NPR boots Morning Edition host

2004 NPR FUND-RAISER TELETHON TRANSCRIPT

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - MALE: "Where else are you going to hear the fine programming you've come to expect from NPR and your affiliate stations? Just think of all the times you and your family have enjoyed hearing how little Americans do for the world from someone with a British accent. The time is now, folks, pick up that phone and show your support!"

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - FEMALE: "That's right, people. When you want commentary that passes for news, where do you turn your dial? When you want entertainment that pokes fun of politics you don't like, where do you turn your dial? When you just want to know what to think, where do you tune the dial? Some of you, though, come here week after week, lurking around, and enjoy the high-quality programming we all enjoy for free, but you still haven't stepped up to the plate to help. Do you think that Public Radio is for the public? Please, for the love of the children, pick-up the phone and start doing your part today!"

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - ETHNIC MALE: "You make a good point, [name], too many people take what we do every day for granted and never, EVER, put up there fair share. I mean, we work hard day after day doing things like what we're doing now. If NPR wasn't here, there wouldn't be nothing worth listening to on the air. Some of us here even pay taxes and most all the other bills all of you listeners pay too, and we still can't get ahead because some people, and you know who I'm talking about, are trying to keep us down. And some of you don't care enough to give us our due and show your support with money - long green - and, believe me, we keep caller and donor lists so we know who you are, too."

NPR AFFILIATE - FEMALE: "I hear ya, [name]! The funding from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting is only a small portion of our needs. We have bills too, ya' know. We still don't have the latest technology we want to lead the world in having all-digital-all-the-time facilities to dominate the radio for decades to come! I mean, whoa! That digital stuff is s-o-o-o expensive even most commercial stations can't afford it. Many of our buildings are, like, more than 10 years old! I mean, last week, here at this station, we actually had to choose domestic walnut paneling for our studio remodel instead of sustainably-grown Bubinga wood from Brazil because the import costs were too high. Imagine working under these kinds of conditions. Its like working in your folks basement - ewww! Our staff budget keeps growing every year as we hire more and more fellow travelers for the kinds of jobs we want to do and yet, at the same time, there are those mean spirits in government that actually want to cut our budget! This isn't the kind of America that we know is it? Come on, people! Get out those wallets and give us a call! To show how much we appreciate your donation, you can get all sorts of nifty premiums...what are we giving this year [name]?"

NRP AFFILIATE HOST - MALE: "For our lowest support category, the 'Silver Comrade', we'll send you a thank you and a post card showing all of us at our Colorado ski retreat last winter. For the next level, the 'Golden Comrade' you'll also get a bottle of Chardonnay from the Winery of Defrocked Priests in San Francisco. For the highest level, you'll get all of the stuff the others are getting, plus you'll also get a top-security clearances for any kind of sensitive military information you or the country you work for might desire. Oh wait, that was the offer we gave out under the Clinton administration..."

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - FEMALE: "Oops! You almost spilled the beans [name]! Actually, folks, this year's 'Platinum Comrade' premium is a genuine autographed copy of Hillary's new book signed by one of her staff. You just can't go wrong with deals like this. Where else can you…"

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - ETHNIC MALE: "Look, let's cut to the chase, dammit! We need money. You got money. We'll get it now, voluntarily, or we'll get it later with a pair of pliers when we get back in power. You wine-sipping liberals better get out your plastic, NOW!"

[Public Service Announcement]

[The studio microphones come back up...]

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - FEMALE: Well, [name], there certainly has been a lot of excitement here today. Oh, wait! The phones are ringing..."

[The sound of subdued chatter and the ring of a single phone is heard. An operator has picked up the phone and can be heard, indistinctly, speaking to someone…]

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - MALE: "That's right [name], the last time I saw the staff as excited as they are today was when Gorbachev first came to America! But excitement just isn't enough, friends! We need your support like never before. Call your Senators and Congress people and tell them you want to see more tax dollars go to Public Broadcasting because you don't want Big Bird to die. And die he will if funds dry up. In fact, the talk here this morning has even been that some of our staff may face losing his, er, their job if your support dollars aren't enough to make up the difference between what we demand, er, ask of government funding and what we are spending.

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - FEMALE: "It is a sad time indeed, people. When hard times come, we have to layoff people just like every other business. Thankfully, I'm white and perky."

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - MALE: "There's a lot of truth in what you say, [name], these are dark days indeed. Like you, I have two brand new SUV's to pay for and my family just bought a vacation home in Vail. We all have obligations, but some of us are doing something about fighting for the world-view we want to dominate in the generations to come. Others out there just don't care and go on stealing entertainment from us while living their selfish, indulgent lives for themselves instead of all of the world's citizens like we do. Shame on them."

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - FEMALE: "That's so sad, and so true. But it doesn't have to be that way. We can join hands and fight back. We can pick up the fallen banner and march for peace and justice together. C'mon, people! Let's all join the struggle - but it starts today, with your CASH donations!"

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - MALE: "Won't you please, please, please pick-up your phone and give us a call? What ever came of that last caller, [name]?"

NPR AFFILIATE HOST - FEMALE: "Uh, what did the caller say, [name of operator]?"

OPERATOR: "Nothing. It was a wrong number…"

[There is a long silence.]

[Music plays and a voice intones: 'Please Stand by…']

"After I realized he was truly serious and I wiped my mouth after barfing, I retuned the radio to the station that carries Rush Limbaugh and the G-Man, locked it in and ripped off the knob."

Well, that's a mighty bigoted view. Let's find out what San Francisco's KQED has to say for itself by tuning into their current fundraiser…

[FIRST MALE ANNOUNCER]: People, it's only a lousy $191.50 for a year's worth of KQED. I ask you, is that too much for all of the fine programming you've all come to expect and enjoy? For God's sake, I spend more than that on a perm and manicure. My Starbucks habit is bigger than that, girl! It's time to dig deep, GLBTer's! Let's have a quick look at the many benefits that you and your family unit configuration can enjoy from an annual membership…

[SECOND MALE ANNOUNCER]: First, there's our award winning series on anal health and pleasure. This fine series does in depth examinations of topic that are important to you and our community. Who can forget the groundbreaking episode 'Fisting in Your Face!' I cried for days when I was fisted, er, when I saw that episode the first time. What other venues offer such sensitive portrayals of modern issues?

[THIRD MALE ANNOUNCER]: Gentleladies and Girlymen, W isn't going to give us our red meat on a platter and wild Bill is gone, Honey. That leaves us girls, so let's roll up our sleeves. Ooh! That's so-o-o-o butch, I'm going to put up my hair like Rosie the Riveter on the next break.

[FEMALE ANNOUNCER]: Yeah, fine, whatever. What about our classic series 'Grim Tales Told by Fairies' in which we bring the poignant retelling of familiar straight stories. Who can ever forget what the ugly duckling became when he finally found himself. Or what about the alternative lifestyles presented in our version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Isn't this worth 0.52 cents a day? If you wimps can't grow the stones to kick out 0.52 coppers, I'm gonna personally come to your address and WHIP YOUR ASS!

[FIRST, SECOND AND THIRD MALE ANNOUNCERS]: Oo-o-oh! Me first!

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