I guess my 3 divorces were easy and I stayed friends with each of them. I always just gave away them everything except my clothes, guns, fishing tackle, truck, bedroom set, and TV.
I made enough money that I knew I could just buy whatever else I thought I needed again.
I know some here are telling you to use the nuclear option and not knowing you or your soon to ex-wife, I can’t really tell you what to do except that you will survive but it is an adjustment. As for me I always locked myself in my house for about a year except for work, hunting, fishing, and working out to get back into shape so that when I did start to date again at least I was in shape. This also kept me from doing the rebound thing.
Time heals all wounds...
Was married for 23 years, divorce not by choice, but so glad it happened.
NO MORE SNORING and NO MORE well, you know, the middle of the night, um honey, can we... I AM A FREE WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!
Watch out for divorce porn solutions like war room, fireproof, etc. Those are fem centric propaganda. Be sure there is no solution, and if there isn’t, get a lawyer and be hard about it. Then enjoy life.
Pray a lot.
Control yourself.
Do not let the kids see or hear you raging at spouse.
(I am not implying that you do-just general advice here)
Maintain yourself above reproach at all times.
Do not drink or do anything unseemly.
The kids will see the truth no matter how the other party tries to spin things if they are old enough.
I have seen spouses try and discredit their better halves with lies and manipulation. If you’re in that situation it may be better to stay but completely disengage from spouse until they are up and out.
When the kids are young they can’t see what is really going on.
It’s painful when they are little and believe lies.
When they get old enough to see for themselves they will hate the person who tried to blow up their family with lies and manipulation.
It’s a long wait but it’s worth it not to lose them permanently because you went too soon before you could disprove the lies.
Fake your death
Not a drinker either and not one who planned on hanging out at local watering holes to find dates, he relied on friends to introduce him to their single friends for a number of months.
Already divorced, I had been attending local singles groups that met at churches and met a guy that I'd had lunch with but we knew we weren't going any further "dates" for a number of reasons (mostly he's very liberal and I'm very conservative - huge 2nd Amendment supporter.)
It just so happened once a month, one of the single groups met afterwards at a local "oldies dance club" for Happy Hour Buffet.
One such evening, it was raining cats and dogs but I had agreed to meet another woman after a late meeting with a client, I went to the Happy Hour.
My now husband went along with the fellow I had already met, he introduced me to my now husband, we realized we attended church the preceding Sunday morning, sitting two rows apart........and the rest, happily, is history!
Hang in there and follow your own moral code, you'll never regret doing the right thing though you might find yourself eating carryout pizza alone or with your kids but you will meet quality people if you persist.
Another hint that I followed: I got involved in things I always wanted to do and became quite busy following my interest (conservative politics was one and found that I didn't enjoy dating liberal men, so rarely ran into them!!!)
The loneliness - one of my favorite quotes is "to be an adult is to be alone."
Meaning - being alone is something you need to cope with and ultimately be okay with - else you hop into another bad relationship. It gets better and you will find peace with the decision.
Divorce sucks and I wish it on no one. But, when you have to go through hell, keep going. God will provide a way.
The advice about not leaving home is good. I'd also suggest some personal counseling. Get a name from a divorce lawyer who specialized with men.
If your youngest is in high school they can live where they want. The judge goes with what the kid wants. So is nvite them to live with you.
I not a particularly religious person, but I checked the Divorcecare program out at a local church. It was recommended by a friend that went through it. It was 13 weekly session with others going through the same thing. It helped enormously. I was a basketcase before I started going. I finished it up about 4 months ago. Glad I went.
I’m not a divorced man. Married female.
Remain calm. Always be the adult in the room. Don’t argue. If she seems like that is where she wants to go - walk away. Or better yet, tell her “I don’t want to argue with you, I want you to be happy”. Maybe you better not tell her that...it might piss her off.
Hire good legal advise. Divorce is expensive. Don’t try to bargain hunt attorneys. Not only do you have to protect your financial issues but also custody and placement. Children are your most valuable asset. Be there for them. You children are close enough to adult. You will not loose your children or their love. That lasts forever!
Don’t rush to meet women. If it is meant to happen, it will happen. Take time to heal.
Join new activities. Is there a hobby you always put off? Do it!! Find your passion. Go back to school. Low on cash to do things? Join a church, men’s group, volunteer.
It may seem hopeless now. But, the sun will shine again.
The worst part of divorce is change. Fear of the unknown. I wish you all the best and will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you follow up and let us know about the great new life you have discovered.
There is nothing worse than divorce - if at all possible consider sticking around until your youngest graduates high school.
No one wins in these situations and as an adult you are inherently stronger than your children. This is not a moral judgment on my part - There is a book you might want to read prior to making a final decision: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce - it is a 30 year study on how divorce effects children - in the study kids of divorce and their peers from non-divorced families are interviewed every 10 years to see how they are progressing.
For me the most interesting take away was that kids from unhappy non-divorced families do much better and almost as well as kids from happy non-divorced families - cause kids are not all that interested in the state of their parents’ marriage - they just want stability - and that is defined as having their parents there for them in the same house -
Once the kids are out of the house - then they seem to do better if their parents divorce.
And as I am sure you can tell - I am not a guy - I am the daughter of a horrible divorce and this book helped me understand a lot of things - that I was unaware of as a child / teenager -
Even if staying is not an option, this book would help to counteract some of the, as I now know, foreseeable consequences of divorce - when I was growing up they were considered to be unintended consequences - which I now know that one could only come to that conclusion if one willfully chose to.
Anyway - only you can make the decision - in my view there is no such thing as equal rights in divorce - women are angels and men pay - has nothing to do with the facts of the case.
Good luck to you!
Found out I was getting divorced at 26 and 1/2 years. About killed me. Two kids in later teens.
Got a good attorney. Never did anything in the process that was unkind or that I would regret. Oldest kid decided to stay with me and his brother wanted joint but if my wife had fought it he would have stayed with me as well. Gave the spouse all the liquid assets and paid off her car which allowed me to keep my house.
The month my divorce was final I went out with a wonderfull woman who I married the following year. Started out dead broke, been remarried for 19 years and are still like happy newly weds. Financially ten times better off and blissfully retired last year. My bride is a rabid Trump supporter and is always asking if we have enough ammo.
Well here’s what I found. The Family Court System is corrupt, everywhere, but especially in NJ. Lawyers screw you left and right. They are not your psychologist. Don’t use them as such. NJ Child Support is run by incompetent people. Basically, divorce sucks. But here’s a silver lining for you. If you spent 20 plus years in a lousy marriage, you are going to be amazed at the women that are out there for you now. If you keep yourself active and in good shape, your dating pool is limitless. Remember Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corrolla on the Man Show? Half your age plus 7 is the rule. So if you’re 50, you are in the ballpark of 32 and up! And it’s pretty much true! Hey, don’t be down, look at the possibilities!
Never divorced, but I’ll chime in anyways:
1. I very strongly recommend that if possible you stay married and living together until the youngest graduates high school. If you’re not fighting in front of him, it’s best not to put him through your divorce too. If that means living in the basement for two years, fine (plus it’s cheaper than getting your own place - save up money for post-divorce).
2. The reason for the divorce matters. Figure out exactly what the problem is, whether it requires divorce, and if divorce can be delayed until you (or both of you???) are better prepared for the logistics of being on your own.
3. Be as polite and sweet as possible no matter what - at least outwardly, no matter what you are thinking. Divorces that go scorched earth are common, and the pleasure you get from sticking it to her or saying something nasty will cost far more than you imagine - everyone loses on that path.
First, you need to make a clear priority of your kids. You need to be there for them. You need to find time for them and things to do with them that will help them develop into responsible adults. Doing that is not buying things for them or taking them to do fun things. It is sharing life experiences with them, showing them you have a moral compass and that you work hard and have integrity.
Second, your children will be hurting and confused by the change. Insist on some family counseling with them and with just the kids so they can get things off their chest with someone who will listen, understand and help them deal with the change.
Third, most self help books stress something called “Getting a Life” or GAL. It is usually code words for making yourself a better and more interesting person. It usually involves hard exercise and learning new things/skills. Find something physical that you can do with your kids, walking, bicycling, swimming, judo, running. Do something with them that will emotionally bond all of you to one another through exercise and achievement.
Good luck. Focus on your kids.
After the divorce you have a choice to date
or not. Just remember that if you choose not to
you will lose some communication skills that make
all the difference in finding a mate.
Now, it does have compensations. You don’t have
a honey do list and you don’t have to put up
with crap. Get a dog, the vet bills won’t be any
where near what you would spend otherwise.
After a while you will achieve geezerdom and won’t
think about it too much. Just be careful about making
your nest too nice else a female will find it too
attractive and decide you are the one.
Signed Old Geezer.
Not only will you save a BUNDLE of money, going through this life changing process in a non-adversarial manner will set a better tone for your children, and will lessen the need to "fix" issues that will crop up with them during an adversarial process.