How Much Longer Can They Sell Darwinism?

All across the country, archeologists, paleontologists and biologists are taking part in what is perhaps the greatest example of political correctness in history – their adherence to Darwinism and their attempts to ostracize any scientist who does not agree with them.

Breaking News From CNN (Caramelgal News Network):

Dateline 01/04/2009 – Taos, New Mexico

During the opening session of the second annual conference of ASS-BS! (Alternate Sciences Simply - Being Stifled!), members from all over the world having diverse interests ranging from UFO Abductions, Crop Circles, Alchemy, Ghost Hunting and Spectral Analysis, Phrenology, Numerology and Astrology, today issued a statement of solidarity with Creation Scientists.

Official ASS-BS spokesperson Sarah Goode, having a BS degree in Alternative Medicine and a PhD in Witchcraft from the Institute of Multi-disciplined Programs - Online Honors (IMP - OH), said, “It is high time that the mainstream scientific community came out of their ivory towers and recognize the legitimacy of alternate points of view. All we want is for our highly specialized scientific disciplines and our legitimate research to be included in science curriculums and in text books”. She added, “All we are asking for is some equal time, all we want is for students to get a well rounded education and in this we empathize with and join with the Creation Scientists” (even though I personally abhor their religion, she added).

Noted author, physician and expert on UFO Abductions Dr. Hyman Sphincter, a retired proctologist told CNN, “I’ve published many scientific papers on both my web blog and on my My Space Page on the science of UFO Abductions. I have submitted many of these papers, papers that use a lot of science-y words and terminology for peer review and publication to many prestigious institutions including the Applied Physics Lab at Johns Hopkins University and the Astronomy Department of Cambridge University and their silence has been deafening not to mention leaving me feel more than a little sore about it.” “I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom”, he continued, “As a fellow scientist, I can’t understand why I’ve been ostracize and shut out by these so called scientific institutions. It is a conspiracy to silence the truth I tell you and it all started with the Government back in Roswell back in the late 40’s and it continues to this day. I’ve seen the dark side, I’ve been probed and I know the truth. And I won’t be silenced; I have an internet connection, a Thesaurus, a webpage and I know how to use them”.

CNN attempted to reach Dr. Sphincter for follow up questions on his recent DUI arrest but he was unavailable for further comment. One conference attendee, who wished to remain anonymous, told CNN that Dr. Sphincter was seen rummaging the hotel’s kitchen looking for tinfoil and was last seen in the hotel’s lounge signing Karaoke with some Japanese tourists.

Immaculate Sister, Wanda Ann Kimball-Osborne, (affectionately known to her friends as ISWAKO) a self-described prophet and expert in the Biblical Study of Numerology in the Book of Revelations and on Nostradamus, told CNN, “We who are knowledgeable about like stuff, like this stuff, know that there are like secret codes, numerical codes in the Bible that were put there by God, telling us stuff that we need to know and like science and many people who think they are like so rational and so like, choose to ignore it. But like they like ignore it at their own peril and at the risk of their souls. The End is Near but we who know will be saved. Those who don’t, well like they are certainly all like going to Hell and other bad stuff.”

In her opening address to the conference she further elaborated, “Science ignores us and that is intolerable. There was a time, not so very long ago when Numerology, Phrenology and Alchemy were all recognized as legitimate sciences. Then along came those modern scientists and mathematicians and their silly methods and rules and all of a sudden we were committed to the ash pile of history. We, unlike those silly Astrologers, are like really legitimate scientists.”

At this point in her speech, several astrologers took offence and walked out of the conference. Professional Astrologers In Action, LLC. told CNN through their attorney that they plan to issue a statement of protest and plan to formally separate themselves from ASS-BS.

This is not the first time the ASS-BS conference has encountered controversy among its membership.

Just prior to last year’s conference members of the Guild of Mediums and Clairvoyants refused their invitation to attend the first ASS-BS conference and issued a statement stating, “We’ve looked into the future and we can see that mainstream science is just not going to give us any legitimacy any time in the foreseeable future. If we were to attend this conference, then we would be subject to much ridicule with people saying that – “We should have seen that coming””.

And prior to this year’s conference ASS-BS issued an invitation to members of Answer in Genesis and the Discovery Institute but mistakenly sent the invitations to AIG Insurance and The Discovery Channel.

Maurice R. Greenberg, AIG’s former chief executive, reached on his private jet on route from Washington DC and a meeting with Congress on the bailout, confirmed that he thinks he received the invitation but was confused by it and thinks his secretary threw it out with other junk mail he received like an offer from Countrywide for a mortgage refinance. “As if I don’t have enough problems already”, he said before abruptly hanging up.

The founder of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum, Ken Ham when reached for comment told CNN, “I never received any invitation from ASS-BS and if I had, I wouldn’t accept it. Those people are nuts. We want our views to have equal time in the science classroom but to include members of the ASS-BS? Are you kidding me?

Shortly after this interview, CNN sadly reports that Ken Ham was eaten by a dinosaur.

The Discovery Channel could not be reached for comment.

Disclaimer: this was satire and any resemblance to any person, living or dead or posting on Free Republic, is purely coincidental….. ;),

Now it’s even funnier.

Whats wrong with the pictures? We know that dinosaurs and man existed at the same time, right?

Also, those insults aren’t very Christian of you.

Thanks for punctuating your sentences with CAPS every NOW AND then. It really HELPS to GET YOUR POINT across in A WAY that makes YOU APPEAR very well reasoned AND logical.

Shortly after this interview, CNN sadly reports that Ken Ham was eaten by a dinosaur.

"Sadly"? The liberul media would be ecstatic. (As would I)

Your debating method needs work.

WHAT MAKEs you THINK that I am a MARXIST?

YO, DOG DOO ... Coyoteman is nothing but a bunch of bits and bytes. You however are DOG SQUEEZE. Scientist is not a LIBERAL?? MANY MANY MANY ARE. I deal with them, and ALL (except 2 or 3) make MARX look like a MODERATE. SCIENTISTS and some good ones, have FALLEN FOR ALGORE’s GloBULL WARMING CRAP, so being a SCIENTIST is not protection from STUPIDITY.

I bow to your superior intellect, charm, writing skills, and Christian attitude.

Thank you for your kind welcome!

Posting of personal attacks is prohibited.

Starting with your mother's whorehouse. I wonder where it would go from there.

FR is not quite the friendly place it once used to be.

Pretty interesting comment for what passes as a science thread here.

KNOCK IT OFF!

NEVER SAID I WAS A CHRISTIAN... as for the INSULTS, those are COMPLIMENTS... HONEST ASSESSMENT of your Character,brains or LACK THEREOF, Would get me BANNED.

That is such a nifty statement. Your insults are actually compliments.

When your head explodes, I hope it's captured on You Tube.