Just don’t waste 5 years of your life wallowing in self-pity like I did.
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand.
There is no going back.
There are some things that time cannot mend.
Some hurts go too deep.
That have taken hold.
My dear.
You cannot always be torn in two.
You have to be one and whole for many years.
You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do.
Because, your part in the journey goes on."
-LOTR: ROTK
Anyway, it helped me. Perspective is everything.
You say that the “details are not important” and that you recognize it’s mostly your fault. If you were the cause of the breakup of your marriage and if you truly want a second chance then you need to fight for her. If you just want to feel sorry for yourself then that is your choice. Maybe she is waiting to see what kind of man you are and whether you are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to hang on to her. It’s just a suggestion. Good luck.
“only that I recognize it was mostly my fault. “
First of all, that’s not true so stop saying that right now. It takes two. TWO!
Having been divorced TWICE (yes TWICE), here’s what I have to say. Please keep remembering that THIS IS TEMPORARY. The pain will never go away completely but it will diminish with time.
You are lucky to have your dog. Hooray! Go for a walk with your little furry pal - long walks every day. Do not watch sad stuff on TV or watch sad movies. Think of what makes you happy and do it (if it’s legal and won’t hurt anyone).
I noticed that you didn’t blame the other person. Good for you!! That just leads to more heartache.
Hold your head up high, FReeper pal. Others have gone before you and survived.
You will laugh again. Don’t let Satan trip you up. He’s a dang liar and the father of all lies. Trust Jesus Christ, our Best Friend in all the world.
You’ll make it; endure. That smile will return. You just wait and see.
If you feel yourself slipping into "serious" mode, run, don't walk away from that person. Explain why you are doing it, but DO IT. Then, after the year (or more) has passed, if you still want to see her, look her up.
Of course, during all this time, you should be doing a lot of praying, and don't forget the listening to God part. Also, never be afraid to ask God for that "wet fleece" of confirmation that you are hearing Him and not just hearing yourself.
Hang in there. Don’t give up,,,ever. And as false friends fall away, your true ones will be there. PLEASE Stay involved in your congregation. You sound like a decent man sir,,
Your post breaks my heart. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice on this thread, (and sadly, plenty of anti-woman remarks, which is typical of FR.) Anyway, I hope you take to heart the *good* advice. I will be among those praying earnestly for you. Hang in there. It will get better.
The event was fourteen years ago. It struck me harder than anything else that has ever occurred.
I will make some suggestions:
Pick up this book
http://www.amazon.com/Psalms-Lament-Ann-Weems/dp/0664220746
It is called Psalms of Lament by Ann Weems. You will need to learn how to Lament to grieve and grow. This book will explain that lamentation as done in the Psalms has a solid Old Testament foundation and how it differs from other prayers and why.
The next suggestion is don't do things in your divorce that you will regret later. Protect yourself, get a lawyer but don't be vindictive and vile. You want to sit in church with that side of the family when that daughter gets married or when grandchildren come along and bad faith on your wife's part does not require such actions by you.
The third thing is do not project or plan a future or outcome to your immediate issue of divorce or your future life in general. If your next year or two is like mine, God may grant you gifts that you cannot imagine with nothing but good honest care and conduct as your only necessary input.
Share with those you trust your immediate daily challenges and be open. Don't do things just because a buddy suggests it but be open to the support of your freinds and family -- but you have to ask for that support.
After a year of hell, I find myself, another thirteen years later, happily married with a wonderful marriage I couldn't have imagined or even understood at the time.
I thought my life was finished as far as new beginnings, joy and wonder and instead I found that the Lord could work in ways I had not imagined. I lost everything I had virtually and now consider myself well off after the passage of time.
Lament, take the high road and trust in your own good actions from this day forward and trust the Lord.
Head up....your not the first to be treated in such a way.
Been there, done that.
Remember, it was HER choice, not yours.
Women have all the power in a relationship.
Time to recover your power.
Best of luck to you.
very sorry to hear this.
Also, do not try to reconcile. Once it is done, never, ever go back. Ask William Hetherington how that worked out for him.
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
15 Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account. [a]
No chance at getting your wife to agree to counseling?
Talk to a therapist of some kind and explore what the issues were in the marriage so you can avoid making the same mistakes. Don’t get remarried for a long time.
Today upon a bus I saw
A lovely maid with golden hair
I envied her - she seemed so gay-
And oh, I wished I were so fair,
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle;
She had one foot and wore a crutch,
But as she passed, a smile,
Oh God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two feet - the world is mine.
And when I stopped to buy some sweets,
The lad who served me had such charm
He seemed to radiate good cheer,
His manner was so kind and warm.
I said, “It’s nice to deal with you,
Such courtesy I seldom find.”
He turned and said, “Oh, thank you, sir!”
And then I saw that he was blind.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two eyes- the world is mine.
Then when walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue,
He stood and watched the others play;
It seemed he knew not what to do;
I stopped a moment, then I said,
“Why don’t you join the others, dear?”
He looked ahead without a word,
And then I knew: He could not hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine,
I have two ears,- the world is mine.
With feet to take where I’d go,
With eyes to see the sunset’s glow,
With ears to hear what I would know,
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I’m blessed indeed; the world is mine;
Use the past for learning and information.Learn from your mistakes.
If it's over then straighten your act out, be a man and move on to experience life adventures that are waiting for you (www.PlentyofFish.com). Don't get serious to fast and don't drown yourself in a new relationship before you learn to swim in the ocean.