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****Satire***** Boulder, Colorado--Controversial writer and college teacher, Ward Churchill, who has long claimed American Indian heritage, today announced that he is no longer an American Indian. Instead, says Churchill, "I am seven-sixteenths Jewish, three-sixteenths Irish, and one-sixteenth rare, endangered Siberian Tiger."
The American Indian Movement and Keetoowah Cherokee tribe have for years denied Churchill credentials as an Indian. Nonetheless, Churchill maintained he was in fact either one-sixteenth or one-fourth (depending upon the interview) American Indian.
That claim ended today. Now, Churchill has petitioned the Colorado Circuit Court's division 34 in Boulder to legally change his name to Reb Chaim McConnell.
"As an endangered specie Irish-Jew, I more fully understand the plight of exploited, downtrodden, and abused peoples. While the pain suffered by my former peoples at the hands of white settlers in North America is famous, my new Irish brothers have been the butts of European scorn for centuries, going back to Roman conquests. And don't even get me started about how the world has treated my Jewish ancestor. Oy."
US Department of Justice spokesman James Rubin said that, as a Siberian Tiger, McConnell is entitled to special protection. "The Department of Justice will work closely with Treasury Department and the Department of the Interior to ensure the soon-to-be Mr. McConnell is afforded the full protection of the law and international treaties regarding the treatment of endangered species."
Rubin went on to say that threats against Churchill's life will now be treated far more seriously. "As an Indian, Mr. Churchill was really just another citizens when it comes to threats. But as an endangered species, he will receive significantly more protection and the best veterinary care available anywhere in the world."
Mr. Churchill will begin a seven-state speaking tour to discuss his views on terrorism before joining a Siegfried and Roy reunion in Las Vegas scheduled for October.
Scrappleface has more Ward Churchill humor
*****Satire****