[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi and I are sitting in a Greek eatery. We all want a leg of lamb, but there's only one leg of lamb left. All the sudden this Buddist Monk disguised as a bush . . .

It only goes to show you that a leg of lamb is worth two in the bush.

(I stole this from The Dark Backward movie. Even I couldn't come up with a joke this bad.

[Cultural Jihad]

[Most efficacious if the comic mimics the actions of each trapper]

Three trappers were in Indian country, and committed some horrible crime. They were captured and brought before the Indian chief. The chief says to the three trappers, "You men guilty of terrible deed, and for this you all must die. But me grant you the wish of determining how you die."

He points to the first man and asks, "You! How you die?"

The first man answers, "I'll use a gun." So they hand him a gun, and he points it to his own head and pulls the trigger, and ka-blam! he collapses. The chief was very impressed, and says, "That man very brave. Me make canoe out of his hide in his honor!"

Then he points to the second man, and asks, "You! How you die?"

The second man answers, "I'll use a knife!" So they hand him a knife and he runs its blade across his own throat and collapses. The chief says, "That man even braver than the first! Me make canoe out of his hide, instead!"

Then he points to the third man, and asks, "You! How you die?"

The third man answers, "I'll use a fork!" The chief responds, "Hmmm. Fork is strange request, but okay." And so they hand him a fork. He takes it and as he pounds his chest with it many times he yells, "No one's gonna make a canoe out of my hide!"

[Jeff Chandler]

Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was stuck to the bottom of the elephant's foot.

[PMCarey]

Q: What did the blind, deaf, and dumb boy get for Christmas?

A: Cancer

[Dinsdale]

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, one to hold the light bulb, one to drink till the room spins and one to deny everything.


bill clinton was getting on airforce one with a pig under his arm. The secret service agent says:

SS:'That sure is a nice pig you got there Mr. President'

Bill:'Yep, 'cept around these parts we call it a razorback'

SS:'That sure is a nice razorback you got there Mr. President'

Bill:'Yep, I got 'dis here razorback for Hillary'

SS:'That was one hell of trade Mr. President, I'm glad your on our side.'

[cartoonistx]

Florida Elections!

[NotJustAnotherPrettyFace]

Knock-knock joke:

Knock-knock!

Who's there?

Ah-ch.

Ah-ch who?

Where's your kleenex?

(My daughter made this up when she was 6. True story.)

[capitan_refugio]

Three retired nuns were sitting on a bench in Central Park.
A flasher comes up to them and exposes himself.
Well, the first old nun had a stroke.
Then, the second old nun had a stroke.
But the third old nun was too slow.

[Enterprise]

OK, here's a blond joke:

A blond is sitting at the bar and everyone is bagging on blonds with lots of jokes. She finally has enough and goes home in a huff. "I'll show them we're not dumb" she thinks to herself. "I'll memorize all the State Capitols and then I'll show THEM!"

She studies really really hard and goes back to the bar a week later and soon the blond jokes start. She stands up and says "Wait a minute, you people all think we're dumb but we're NOT!" I challenge anyone to ask me the capitol of ANY state!

Well, the guy in the back of the bar kind of rolled his eyes, and says "OK, what's the capitol of California?"

"That's easy," she says smugly, "it's the letter C."

[BenLurkin]

A dog Limps into a bar and says: "I'm lookin' for the hombre that shot my paw"

Salesman to little boy: "Is your mother home?"
Little boy: Momma ain't home"
Salesman: "'Momma Ain't home!', where's your grammer?"
Boy: "Grammers in the kitchen washin' dishes and my momma still ain't home."

Poll taker to woman: "How many children do yo have?"
Woman: "Four: Eenie, meenie, minie, and Framklin."
Poleer: "Franklin, why Franklin?"
Woman: "Because I didn' want no moe."

Did you hear about the lawyer who died at the exact same moment as the Pope? He was surpised to find that 5he Pope had very modest lodgings in the heavenly city while his where palatial by comparison. So he asked St. Peter who told him, "Oh, we get Popes here all the time, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had!"

Got more bad jokes if you need 'em.

[breakem]

I was one of the original test tube babies. My sign is PYREX!

[BenLurkin]

Don't forget the Latin American weather forecast:
"Chili today - Hot Tamale"

[Governor William J. LePetomane]

Q - What's black and white and goes "oooooooo"?

A - A cow with no lips.

-----

Q - What's the difference between a Socialist and a Democrat?

A -The Socialist takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

[chance33_98]

Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the
crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone."
A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"

[BluesDuke]

I only wish I could help. But the worst joke I know is one you could never use on radio. Because the worst joke I know is the one I see in the mirror when I shave every morning, and it can't be seen on the radio...

[SouthernFreebird]

Why were Tigger and Piglet staring in the toilet?


.......They were looking for Pooh


A horse walks in a bar, and they bartender says "why the long face"?

[chance33_98]

funny and disgusting jokes See # 15 as a good example :)

[Dinsdale]

A sargent major in the highland guards (scottish troops) walks into a druggest and drops a shreeded condom onto the counter.

SM: 'How much to have this mended'

Druggest: 'I can mend it for two pence or I can sell you new one for a shilling'

The sargent major huffs, picks up his condom and walks out.

The next day he walks in, drops the condom on the counter and says 'The regiment has decided to have it repaired'.

[BluesDuke]

On the other hand...this should do for the next best thing:

Q: How can a woman tell she's in bed with an impotent man?
A: It's not hard...



...*he ducks*....

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

(crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

Or you could try this one. It will kill any German speaking audience members:

Wenn ist das Nunstrick git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!