The following acts displease me and, when I am Emperor, will be punishable by ten lashes and a day in the stocks:

Use of the following words in their modern, colloquial sense: triggered, problematic, privilege, spaces.

Use of the word “storyline” in any sports broadcast.

Going in public as a male wearing a “man bun.”

Riding a bicycle on a street or highway between the hours of 6am and 8pm.

“Uptalking” by any male.

Capitalization of the word “black” except when it is used as part of a proper noun.

Use of the word “brown” to refer to the race or ethnicity of any person or group of people.

The use of a “hash tag” other than while posting on Twitter.

Posting on Twitter.

Abbreviating the words “are,” “you,” “with,” or “to” in any written communication.

Taking a day off work for your birthday.

Holding oneself out as having any of the following titles or “professions”: “social worker,” “influencer,” “creative,” “life coach,” health care navigator,” “activist,” “community organizer,” “constitutional lawyer/scholar.”