Free Republic

Today’s Campaign Update (Because The Campaign Never Ends) Today’s Public Service Announcement! – The “World’s Fastest Train” has been unveiled in Japan, y’all! Guess what? It is designed to sail along at speeds up to … wait for it… 224 miles per hour! Which is, lessee here…. almost half as fast as the average airliner. Almost. Oh, and it won’t be operational until the year 2030, which is coincidentally the year before Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tells us we’re all going to burn up and die if we don’t get rid of air travel and replace it millions of miles of rail...

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg drew a sold-out crowd to a fundraiser at an iconic West Hollywood gay bar on Thursday. Attendees at The Abbey each paid about $25 to attend the grassroots event for Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, who was introduced by his husband, Chasten. “If anybody tells you whether they’re not sure if America is capable in these twisted and dark times of delivering or vindicating our hopes,” Buttigieg told the crowd, “tell them you saw at The Abbey in West Hollywood the top tier presidential candidate on his way to the White House, moments after...

Polling data shows that voters in the states with the most unemployment are leaning toward Obama. States with the lowest unemployment are leaning toward Romney. “These results only seem counter intuitive if you’re one of those who’s bought the GOP line that everyone wants to work,” Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod chortled. “I don’t know anyone who’s happy about getting out of bed and going to work everyday. The notion that this is something a person ought to do is pure propaganda. It might suit the corporate exploiters who hope to get cheap labor, but it doesn’t speak to the...

The massacre of a dozen movie-goers in Colorado has sparked another spate of liberal demands for gun control. University of Colorado Professor Chad Kautzer has launched an online petition aimed at banning “concealed carry laws.” While acknowledging that such a ban might not have stopped James Holmes from shooting 70 people in an Aurora, Colorado movie theater, Kautzer insisted that “the ability to add an illegal possession of a firearm charge to the list of offenses for which he will be prosecuted would have a deterrent effect.” In New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg suggested that police should go on...

A recent New York Times article admitted that it, along with other major “news” outlets, allows the White House to censor what it publishes. The basic protocol is for the media to submit a draft of a proposed piece to the White House for review prior to publication. The White House then edits the piece and returns it. “It can be irksome at times,” Times reporter Jeremy Peters admitted. “But what choice do we have? If we don’t cooperate we’ll be cut off from access. And for what? It’s not as if we aren’t 100% behind the Administration on virtually...

Though it would seem that Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy's opinion that marriage is an institution between one man and one woman is protected by the Constitution's First Amendment, mayors in three cities have vowed to punish this heresy. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says he “will do everything in my power to prevent such a vile establishment from setting up shop in my city. Mr. Cathy's values are not Chicago's values.” In addition to Cathy's views on marriage, Emanuel also found the restaurant's policy of closing on Sunday's problematic, calling it “an unacceptable 'holier than thou attitude.' People need to eat...

A recent National Geographic poll showing that Americans think President Obama would do better against an invasion from outer space than rival Mitt Romney has Obama campaign strategists thinking. “When you think about it, isn't protecting the planet from being conquered by space monsters the most important thing that any person could do?” mused Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod. “And can there be any doubt that the President would easily outshine anyone else on such a task? After all, remember, he's the one who killed bin-Laden. On the other hand, there's no evidence that Romney has ever killed anyone.” Axelrod...

Representative Andre Carson (D-IN) suggests that public schools in America be reformed along lines to make them more like Islamic schools. “In terms of effectiveness, the madrassas far exceed anything we’ve seen from the vast majority of this country’s public schools,” Carson argued. “The typical American public school student is an unmotivated drone with a sense of entitlement. Our graduates are too often indistinguishable from ignorant louts.” “In contrast, the madrassa student is taught respect and obedience,” Carson asserted. “Its graduates are highly motivated to fight for change. Many are even willing to give their lives in this fight.” As...

A University of Maryland study funded by the Department of Homeland Security found that “persons reverent about individual liberty are likely to be right-wing terrorists.” “It makes perfect sense when you think about it,” said Secretary Janet Napolitano. “The phrase ‘individual liberty’ doesn’t appear in any of our nation’s founding documents. Its advocates are clearly and suspiciously out of step with America’s basic values.” if you missed any of this week's other semi-news posts you can find them at... http://constitutionclub.org/2012/07/07/semi-news-a-satire-of-recent-news-26/

Senator Rand Paul (R-Ken) has proposed that members of Congress be given a reasonable amount of time to read bills before they are asked to vote on passing them. This proposal was denounced by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) as “an unnecessary impediment to action.” “I find it appalling that Republicans in this body are repeatedly trying to throw up roadblocks to progress,” Reid complained. “The notion that senators must read bills before they vote to make them into laws is fallacious. We have a staff that reads these bills for us. There is no need for us to...

The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that the official unemployment rate remained above 8% for the 41st straight month. The picture for Black unemployment was even more discouraging bumping up in June to over 14% for all ages and to over 39% for those aged 16-19. The White House cautioned that voters should not place too much reliance on any one monthly report, but should look at the longer term trend. “A narrow focus on jobs misses the bigger picture,” Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers Alan Krueger said in a written statement. “Over the last three years more...

You wouldn’t think PolitiJim would wander back into “slut” territory after the GOP Primary SLUTSS incident, but I’m a glutton for offending it seems.  (Just keepin’ it real yo’.)  As every Saturday Night Live enthusiast will recognize, the aforementioned title is a play on the Chevy Chase and Jane  Curtin’s “Point/Counter Point” skit.  After a very erudite discussion on some political views, Chase’s character would inevitably respond with, “Jane, you ignorant slut,” allowing a cathartic movement for all conservatives who at that time didn’t have a Rush Limbaugh, much less a Chris Christie.Continued at: Ann, You Ignorant Slut

The Department of Homeland Security has unilaterally revoked an agreement with Arizona and refused to initiate one with Virginia to cooperate in enforcing the country’s immigration laws. “We were never very enthusiastic about these agreements,” Secretary Janet Napolitano admitted. “Communicating the Administration’s nuanced policy to the local governments has always been a problem. At the same time, we felt it was important to convey an impression that we could work together. After all, the President was telling everyone that he had no choice under existing law.” “Now the situation has completely changed,” Napolitano boasted. “The President’s Executive Order has wiped...

Press Secretary Jay Carney sought to get out ahead of the GOP's campaign rhetoric alleging that Obamacare is a huge tax imposed on the middle class. “There's no way this is a tax,” Carney insisted. “The President doesn't call it a tax. The legislation doesn't say it's a tax. Calling it a tax is idiotic. The President has made it quite clear that the $2,000 a person has to pay for refusing to buy health insurance is a punishment for disobedience, not a tax.” The fact that the Supreme Court decision upholding Obamacare was founded on Chief Justice John Roberts'...

Tulsa, Oklahoma City officials destroyed resident Denise Morrison’s “survival garden” because “this abnormal use of her property was causing anxiety in the neighborhood.” Morrison started the garden after she lost her job. The garden consisted of food and medicinal plants. Before embarking on her agricultural venture, Morrison researched City ordinances to ensure she complied. “Lack of compliance was not the issue,” said City Zoning Director, Leroy Fiat. “The fact that there are no official rules against what she did doesn’t matter. No one else in the city does this.” As for her nutritional and medical needs, Fiat advised that “there...

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says a federal court’s overturning of a city firearms ordinance “won’t stop us from carrying out our over all crime strategy.” “The problem from our perspective is that too many people have access to guns,” Emanuel asserted. “We won’t have law and order until everyone except the police is disarmed. The City must have a monopoly on the use of deadly force. Only then will the balance of terror be sufficiently one-sided to ensure peace.” As for the court’s ruling, Emanuel suggested that “the court may take whatever position it likes in the courtroom. But we...

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) urged President Obama to follow up his unilateral grant of amnesty to illegal aliens with a unilateral increase in the nation’s debt ceiling. “Failing to enact immigration reform isn’t the only thing Congress has failed at,” Pelosi observed. “The Senate has failed to pass a budget since 2009. And while Congress was barely able to scrape together the votes to increase the debt ceiling last year I wouldn’t want to bet we can do it again.” “Enacting legislation when Congress fails to do so is a power reserved to the President under the ‘necessary...

Barack Obama biographer David Maraniss says right-wing political opportunists are misusing his book. The book in question is Barack Obama: The Story. In this book, Maraniss cited dozens of instances in which Obama’s autobiography—Dreams from My Father—presented a false picture of the President’s early life. “First of all, the idea that these people would bother to read my book is a bit of a stunner for me,” Maraniss admitted. “I mean, I’m for Obama all the way. I can’t fathom why anybody on the right would read me.” “Second, they’re being completely unfair to the President,” Maraniss complained. “He wrote...

Darcy Burner, a Democratic candidate for the House of Representatives in the state of Washington, told an audience at the Netroots Nation convention in Providence Rhode Island that women who have had abortions deserve our thanks. “We all know that humans are destroying this planet,” Burner contended. “We need to single out those who are taking action to stave off this destruction. No action is more heroic than that of a woman who sacrifices her own child to help us move closer to the day when humans become extinct.” In order to help the heroes in the audience gain the...

Attorney General Eric Holder rejected contentions that internal Department of Justice memos in which the phrase “Fast and Furious” appears mean that the Mexican gun-running scandal was known to Department of Justice (DOJ) higher-ups at an early date. The phrase, Holder insisted referred to the movie series. “Everyone at the DOJ is a big fan of the ‘Fast and Furious’ movies,” Holder said in a House Judiciary Committee hearing this past week. “The fast cars, the sexy babes, the wonton violence—are hypnotic in their effects on me and my staff. Vin Diesel’s screen presence is just awesome. So, it’s only...