Free Republic

ROME – U.S. House Democratic Minority leader Nancy Pelosi was briefly hospitalized Monday in Rome, Italian news agency PZZA reported today.
Pelosi, was walking to the Vatican when she complained of a sore neck and stomach pains, the former House speaker, had been scheduled to hold talks with Vatican officials, including the Pope, but as she came nearer to St. Peter’s her head started spinning uncontrollably. The PZZA news agency said witnesses described her as screaming and wailing horrendously, and in a deep guttural voice speaking Barak Obama’s name backwards and cursing George Bush in an ancient Sumerian dialect. She was briefly hospitalized at Rome's Policlinico miles from the Vatican and other holy sites.
Officials of the Sistine Chapel ordered emergency evacuations as cracks started appearing in the chapel walls, other reports coming in to PZZA said witnesses claimed the famed Trevi Fountain in Rome started flowing blood, and all the pigeons in the Piazza suddenly flew out of the city while Pelosi was outside cursing and vomiting.
PZZA reported that the 70-year-old suffered from a minor bout of projectile vomiting, a sore neck and strange welts on her torso appearing to be name of fallen Christian saints.  She was briefly hospitalized at Rome's Policlinico miles from the Vatican to assure there wouldn’t be a reoccurrence. Pelosi underwent a minor exorcism and treatment with holy water before being released and going back to her Rome hotel. No further details were given.
A statement by the Italian Parliament spokesman’s office released to PZZA said Pelosi might still attend an afternoon concert in the Italian parliament marking Italy's 150th anniversary as a united nation but would be seated far away from any Vatican Cardinals or officials of the Holy See.
The U.S. Embassy in Rome declined official comment, but an embassy staffer speaking on the on the condition of anonymity, stated “no meetings would occur near churches or other holy sites”. Pelosi's office in Washington repeatedly refused requests Monday for information.
Satan to Pelosi…”I’ll tell you what you’re here for, AFTER you get here”.

I understand the term for me is “Noob”, I am working on this formatting thing, as I have been advised a few times now “paragraphs are my friends”.

Sorry this is currently,...a “fictional” story, just something the last two years has led me to believe this fiction is not to far from the truth.

B. Hussein Obama apologized to Farooque Ahmed for being arrested, and everybody else offended by the USA defending itself against the peaceful Morally Upright Shria Leaning Islamic Mullahs and Supporters (MUSLIMS) club. He also expressed words of regret to the upset religious Middle Eastern persons practicing their constitutional religious rights to blow others up. Janet Napolitano will issue the apology in person to Mr. Ahmed's. Eric Holder and the Justice Department is looking into Mr. Ahmed's assertion he was "roughed up" and cuffed by FBI goons while being arrested. Mr. Holder stated "everybody deserves to be treated with proper respect, we plan to file a civil rights complaint against the FBI agents involved. The ACLU, NAACP, and CAIR, have all vowed to support Mr. Holder and Mr Ahmed through this outrage. MSNBC has schedule extensive coverage of the DOJ's investigation into the FBI's handling of this case and Michael Moore stated he will be filming a documentry on the FBI entitled "The Goonies Squad". Keith Olberman and NPR's Shiller have decried this as a blatant example of hysteria stirred up by George Bush, the Tea Party and Fox News's O'Reily. Juan Williams was not available for comment, NPR's Shiller issued a statement saying "Just because Mr. Ahmed is muslim doesen't mean he's that kind of muslim". You just know Al Sharpton, Joy Behar, Rachel Maddow, and Keith Olberman's mouths will be working over time.

Dear NPR,
I understand I have been excluded from the list of potential Juan Williams replacements, as something from my past has be discovered. I admit I was a member of that hate filled, homophobic, anti-socialist, pro-constitution, rampant praying, group,...the cub scouts. Yes, I admit to even saluting a flag while in my cub Scout uniform and sang the national anthem when I was in little league baseball. I admit this extremist right wing upbringing has probably tainted my view of right and wrong but, if you tell me what I need to do to correct this extremist leaning. I’m sure I can be one of the best reporters you’ll ever have. I understand George Soros will fund (as a public service) my de-programming and therapy. As this obviouse mental defect is viewed as a disability it should be covered by Obamacare and you can claim to hire the mentally handicapped AND veterans, a win-win situation, this even helps bring Obamas job creation numbers up!

Dear NPR, I would like to apply for Juan's job, my qualifications to work in liberal media is listed below;

1. I have no opinion unless you, the ACLU, or Hollywood gives it to me. 2. I'm white, therefore I feel guilty about all the racism in this country that I was not part of, and therefore I believe the NAACP, Al Sharpton, and the New Black Panthers are benevolent social organizations whose purpose is to root out the evil of the Tea Party. 3. Although Islam calls for violent Jihad against all non-muslims where ever they are found, I don't believe all 1.2 billion followers really mean it should be taken seriously. 4. Christians are religious zealots who need to be locked up. 5. Jews are attempting to run the entire country. 6. I think all gun owners are red neck hicks and talk show hosts. 7. I'll join the SEIU 'cause I'm not smart enough to find a high paying, low skilled job on my own. 8. I think the NYT, HuffPo, WaPo, MSNBC's Maddow and Olbermann are the standard bearers of proper idealogical thought. 9. I can invent facts and present them as truth for example "Obamacare will not increase your taxes". 10. I think Nancy Pelosi is widely admired, a genius, looking out for Americans of all races, religions and politics. 11. Sarah Palin is the devil incarnate, (I'm not advocating any religion, I’m just saying). 12. Jane Fonda is a patriot, and retired, ex-military or cops are people who are dangerous and should be watched. 13. Illegal’s are just undocumented new citizens who have relocated under less than ideal travel conditions. 14. Pot can cure world hunger; STD's, cancer, infertility, brain damage, and raise IQ's.

If salary is an issue, no worries I’ll be collecting public assistance for the foreseeable future. Lemme know when I can start.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter and in the summer they would go to the coast, tan and live on fish and lobster. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of fermented beverages and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the fermented beverages faster. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups; 1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives. In early mans development animals were used to symbolize the attributes of each party. Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Once fermented beverages were discovered, it required more grain and this was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can existed yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery, this how villages were formed. Some men spent their days farming beverage grains or tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they drank the fermented beverages. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and far less skilled at hunting or gathering learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, laundry, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement and why "It takes an entire village" to raise a liberal. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into liberal women. The rest became known as girlie-men and large herds of them moved to the Castro district in San Francisco, Hollywood, Oregon, Massachusetts and New Hampshire. On an interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men, making it difficult to distinguish liberal men from liberal women, these women are known as feminist or feminazis’. Whereas conservative women are far more feminine (as well as actually being female), intelligent, powerful and can generally take liberal men and make them cry like little girls or liberal boys. Conservative women don’t grow arm pit hair long enough to braid to be like men, or to prove they can do anything a man can do, deep down conservative men fear conservative women. Most main stream media, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, almost all of Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat, keeping faith with some basic liberal beliefs and philosophies like, "it's not your fault you're a wimp", "blame someone else for your failures", or “that’s racist”, and “that’s sexist”, “it’s because of rightwing traditional family values”, and the old standbys “you’re a loser because of George Bush’s poor (fill in the blank) record, bad economic policies” and of course your failures can always be blamed on a Sarah Palin misquote. Liberals do not believe in an individual’s responsibility for their own actions, it’s always “the rich man’s” fault…all of them, and higher taxes on “the rich man” will fix that problem. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, taxes, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, tie-dye, welfare, higher taxes, unions, and the cornerstone liberal tenant, socialism, to decide how to take from and divide the meat, fermented beverages, and taxes that someone else works to provide. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime and salt added), but most prefer imported white wine or imported bottled water. They will eat fish raw but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, bean sprouts, and French cheese are all standard liberal fare. Liberals will complain about global warming then fly their private jets to get Nobel Peace prizes for fraudulent science, manipulated data and passing disinformation as fact. Liberals will complain about Chinas dismal human rights record then borrow billions from them to pay for health care and bank bailouts. Liberals will rail about Christianity and Judaism but ignore or remain silent about Militant Islam and Muslims double standards. They are staunchly anti-military but support the Weather Underground, Bill Ayers and Che, and the poor Times Square bomber whose house was repossessed by “the Man”. Conservatives on the other hand drink domestic beer, eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, sea farers, nuclear scientists, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively and pays a fair share of taxes. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. Liberals have started leaving Europe because socialism failed and has bankrupted Greece, Spain, Russia, Italy and now California. Most liberals however, crept into the US after the Wild West was tamed and created the business of trying to get more for nothing (see current tax law, healthcare, and welfare tax giveaway programs). Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal will have a momentary urge to scream and yell “Bigot!, “Racists” because they have no other cards to play or riot in downtown Seattle, fly an airplane into an IRS building, arrange a protest march in San Francisco, nail spikes into trees or respond angrily to the above before forwarding it or calling Jessie Jackson, or Al Sharpton, the ACLU, the NY Times, MSNBC or other main stream media for advice on what their opinion should be and whether or not they should be offended by the above narrative. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be sent immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.