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VATICAN CITY — After a morning of reading headlines from The Babylon Bee, the 266th pope of the Catholic Church sentenced all the paper's writers to seven trillion years in purgatory. "Iam nimis faggotatis apud Babylon Bee est,"(**) said Pope Francis during routine purgatory sentencing. According to experts, seven trillion years in purgatory would make Bee writers the absolute last ones to get into Heaven, even after Muhammad. "That seems like a lot," said Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann. "Is that a lot?" Managing Editor Joel Berry broke the news to his family following the chilling pronouncement. "But you still go...

You read the Journal. You follow the stonks. And now you're wondering how you'll possibly manage to get through four years of a Kamala Harris administration without going bankrupt. Well, never fear, for the Bee is here. Forget whatever you read in The White Coat Investor and Millionaire Next Door — we've spent literal minutes of our time to thoroughly investigate the markets nowadays and here are our top picks. You're welcome. Meme futures: Don't let anyone know you heard this from us, but they're going to the moon. SKIBIDI TOILET BUY BUY BUY!!! Red hot pokers for your...

Brace yourselves — debate night is upon us! For some, a presidential debate is an exciting, can't-miss event. For others, gargling battery acid sounds more appealing. Regardless of which category you're in, making the best use of your time is important. With that in mind, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following helpful list of better uses of your time than watching tonight's presidential debate: Repeatedly jamming a fireplace poker into your eyes: This will consume some time and prevent you from ever seeing Kamala's laugh face again. Starting an argument with your wife: This will also keep you...

U.S. — Midway through the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris, debate moderators David Muir and Linsey Davis called a timeout to discuss strategy with Harris. "Um, excuse me, we'd like to take ten minutes please," said Muir to the candidates an hour into the debate. "Vice President Harris, would you please join us backstage for, um, a quick huddle? Should only take a second." "RIGGED DEBATE!" cried Trump in protest as the moderators turned off his mic and went backstage with Kamala to rehearse her answers to the next round of questioning. "These are the worst...

As everyone knows, the Associated Press is 100% trustworthy in every single quote they have ever covered. It truly seems like they are the only ones, apart from us at the Bee, who don't add any bias or spin to their stories. To commemorate the AP's long and distinguished record of quoting people accurately, we at the Babylon Bee have put together 10 famous historical quotes as reported by the Associated Press: "The only thing we have… is fear itself." — Franklin D. Roosevelt: What a downer! "That's one small... man." — Neil Armstrong: Everyone looks small from the...

U.S. — A Sikorsky UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter touched down just outside the residence of Bill and Hillary Clinton on Wednesday, carrying the first lady's former CIA handler. According to an anonymous source, he approached Hillary to recruit her for one last Russian collusion hoax. "We've tried everything, Clinton, but Kamala's just too terrible," a man identified as Colonel Wes Danger explained. "You're our last hope." Clinton reportedly shrugged and reminded the colonel that she was retired. "I am at peace here with Bill," she said as she cut wood outside her cabin. "I quit that life." This only...

As the world eagerly awaits CNN's upcoming interview with Kamala Harris and Tim Walz, many people are wondering how far-reaching and hard-hitting the questions are going to be. Through extensive media networking contacts, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following exclusive list of questions from CNN's interview with the Democratic presidential ticket: "If you were one of the characters from Friends, who would you be?": We're thinking Monica, she's SUCH a boss. "Are you team Edward or team Jacob?": The platform we all need to know. "You're, like, so amazing. Sorry, I guess that wasn't a question.": But it's...

The Democratic National Convention is set to wrap up tonight, but how does it fare when compared with the Republican National Convention? The Babylon Bee conducted extensive research to compare and contrast the two: RNC: Free AR-15 with the purchase of a bucket of fried chicken DNC: Free mandatory abortions RNC: The nominee received no votes from Democrats DNC: Ditto RNC: Opened with a prayer to God DNC: Opened with a traditional human sacrifice to Moloch RNC: Free ammo for your guns DNC: Free vasectomies to make sure you can only shoot blanks RNC: Hulk Hogan DNC: Drag queens...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris unveiled her new campaign platform: a one-page document that simply says "We must seize the means of production and execute the Bourgeoisie." "The proletariat must rise!" Harris shouted in front of a backdrop of a large hammer and sickle flag with armed militants flanking her side. "In order to preserve the rights of the working class the government must seize the means of production and murder all capitalist pigs!" Harris announced her new platform after pitching a few new economic policies this week that included price caps for food, centralizing economic power,...

SYRIA — In the wake of being forced to cancel a series of concerts and disappoint thousands of fans in Austria, entertainment star and global superpower Taylor Swift ordered her private jets to launch a retaliatory strike on a suspected ISIS stronghold. The strike began before dawn, with Swift issuing orders for a large-scale, multi-pronged assault on the terrorist base, with air strikes from her private jets to be followed up by waves of Swifties attacking on the ground. "They threatened the wrong pop star," one Swift insider said. "ISIS clearly hasn't kept up on current events closely enough...

U.S. — The initial "honeymoon" period showed signs of wearing off as Kamala Harris started to hit the campaign trail, and many throughout the nation expressed a yearning for the clarity and coherence of President Joe Biden. "Sure makes you miss Joe's way with words, doesn't it?" asked one voter as Harris attempted to finish speaking a coherent sentence. "I know there were a lot of people who got really excited about Kamala in the last week or so, but man… when you hear her speak, it really highlights how great we had it the last few years with...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Five minutes after news broke that President Biden has been diagnosed with COVID, Democrat party leaders were forced to make the difficult decision to place Biden on hospice care. "We just want Joe to be comfortable with the short time he has left," explained Senator Chuck Schumer. "We spent a long, hard thirty seconds deliberating over what to do, and we all agreed this is for the best." President Biden reportedly resisted the idea of being placed on hospice, but Democrat leaders assured the doctors that he was demented and didn't know what he was saying....

U.S. — CNN announced today that in a shocking incident, former President Trump clumsily hit his head on a bullet, causing an unfortunate disturbance at a Pennsylvania rally. "What a klutz, that Trump! Probably worse then Biden," said Anderson Cooper. "Look at all that blood from smacking his face on a bullet. Boy, I bet he feels sheepish." CNN reported Trump smacked his ear on the harmless bullet at incredible velocity, causing a loud sound like a gunshot. "The helpless little bullet never saw it coming," announced Cooper. "Trump then fell over, forcing several Secret Service agents to dive...

U.S. — Despite rising tension within the Democratic Party and uncertainty regarding President Joe Biden's cognitive capacity and fitness to remain in the presidential race, former President Barack Obama reassured the nation that he is still running the country. Obama's calming message that he remained in firm control of the United States came as a relief to millions of Americans who had begun to believe that their country was being supervised by a mentally defective dementia patient who lost his grasp of reality years ago. "Don't worry, America, I'm still at the wheel," Obama said in a brief public...

WASHINGTON D.C. — Republicans caused outrage and horror today among people who would never cheat in elections with the introduction of a new ‘Stop Cheating In Elections' Bill. Congressional Republicans insisted that the bill would simply prevent cheating in elections and ensure that they are fair, while people who would never cheat insisted that the problematic bill targeted them. "I want to be clear. This bill is racist, xenophobic, transphobic, and possibly arachnophobic," Said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "It's not the ‘no cheating' part that bothers us because obviously we would never, ever cheat. But it's outrageous that Republicans would...

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PALM BEACH, FL — Following a 6-3 ruling from the United States Supreme Court protecting him from prosecution for official acts done while in office, former President Donald Trump released a public statement in which he announced that he is now the most immune president in history. The ruling appears to provide significant protection for Trump in some of his legal matters, leading him to declare himself, as the rightful president, fully immune from everything he has ever done or ever will do. "It's the greatest, most beautiful ruling of all time, and I now have the most incredible...

ATLANTA, GA — With both of his arms and legs cut clean off by the end of the debate, President Biden has continued to insist that the defeat was "merely a flesh wound." "Come back here and take what's coming to you, Donald! I'll bite your legs off!" shouted Biden. "Joe Biden always triumphs!" According to sources, Trump had encouraged the overmatched Biden to simply step aside, but Biden refused to do so despite losing one limb after the other. "Joe, you've got no arms left, believe me. Very sad, No-Arms Joe," said Trump. "Not going to shoot too...

Most people have heard wild stories about the crazy things that can come to light in people's internet search histories, but are you aware of the humiliating things that might be found in yours? The Babylon Bee has suffered through reading some of the worst internet search histories of all time to bring you 17 of the most embarrassing things that people have ever googled: "stream new episode of the acolyte" — Gross. Just gross. "what is a phillips head screwdriver?" — You might as well search for what it means to be a man. "white sox tickets" —...

LOS ANGELES, CA — In an act of rebellion against the men who have repeatedly kept her down throughout her life, singer Taylor Swift spelled out "F--- The Patriarchy" in contrails with her $10 million private jet. "Yeah! That'll show ‘em!" Swift could be heard yelling as she zoomed her giant plane around the skies above L.A. "The patriarchy has held me down long enough. Sure I have millions of dollars and hundreds of millions of fans, but I could have even more of it all if it weren't for systemic sexism and patriarchal societal repression." Swift's fans were...