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Posted on 12/14/2001 1:42:13 PM PST by Utah Girl

We have been lectured sternly for the last three months by hordes of "experts." From a variety of sometimes-wacky angles, they have predicted stalemate and even well earned American humiliation in our war against terrorism. Magnifying our enemy's scant power, while deprecating our own real strength, some gloomy pundits — especially abroad, and particularly in Europe — have offered neither retractions nor apologies for their flawed analyses, even as events in Afghanistan have proved their glum prognoses completely wrong.

Week after week, we have been subjected to one scolding after another: Afghanistan is unconquerable. The Russians and British perished where we will too. The snows are coming to freeze us. The Taliban are too firmly entrenched and must be included in any postwar government. Only a pan-Islamic peace force will restore order. Al Qaeda is impossible to root out. We need better proof of bin Laden's complicity in September 11. The bombing is not working. We are in another Vietnam quagmire. Oil will go sky-high. We dare not fight during Ramadan. The Northern Alliance is a paper tiger. The Arab street will explode. Mr. Arafat and the intifada will ignite the Middle East. The moderates in the Islamic world will turn on us. And so on.

Like the fossils of Jurassic Park dinosaurs, skeletons of the now unclaimed conventional wisdom of the last few months are strewn everywhere. From the shards of these old bones it is hard to believe such animals just a few weeks ago stalked our country and were cloaked in real flesh. Perhaps we can go back to the pile, sort out the bleached teeth, rib cages, and skulls, and so remember the brief lives of these absurdly silly beasts.

The Afghanisaur
All recall this flesh-tearer! Purportedly an especially fearsome hunter, with curved teeth and snapping jaws, this beast's "Texas-sized" hulk and endlessly bloody appetite — we were told — gobbled up entire herds of unwary and lumbering trespassers. Afghanisaur was a tribal, unpredictable carnivore, an all-terrain quadruped who bellowed loudly among the skeletons of his past victims, lurked in snow, ignored wind, preferred high altitudes, and was reportedly as cannibalistic as he was indomitable.

Ramadanoceros
Ah, Ramadanoceros, we knew ye well. His large, seasonal horn supposedly sprouted each fall to root out and spear any who dared disturb this mystical and sullen recluse during his fall hibernation. Although some scientists believed that the Ramadanoceri were more likely to go on devouring each other throughout their annual autumn cycle of quiet, many swore that their unquenchable fury was reserved solely for other unwary species who dared to prowl in their restricted domain.

Vietnamapous
Myth surrounded this ubiquitous, smelly, and lethal marine predator, conjectured to be able to produce ten to 15 litters per year. Prone to enticing large, bumbling dinosaurs into shallow reefs, the creature's innumerable and nearly invisible tentacles would then hamstring clumsy opponents and leave them wriggling for mercy, as other opportunistic scavengers fed off their paralyzed carcasses. Vietnamapous was said to be the most fearsome predator of the bumbling and once-stung Americanaderm.

Bombadactyl
Remember silly Bombadactyl? His hollow bones were proof of a rather pathetic airborne flapper, a lightweight and often-frail bird who — no doubt ineffectively — dropped small pebbles from his clumsy, horned beak. But his forays were more likely to result in hitting other innocent vegetarians than in ever hurting his targeted prey — the far more clever Alqaedatron. Quite unlike the Arafator in evolutionary terms, he had a preference for air assault that was an utter failure, apparently never defeating his enemies or even protecting the friendly Northern Allianopus.

Talibanus Rex
Who could forget the king of the dinosaurs? T. rex was a foul, two-legged, bellowing omnivore who purportedly would swallow anything in his immediate vicinity, and was nearly impossible to kill. His wild fits and teeth gnashing were no doubt horrendous spectacles, and spelled death for any who approached him without careful consideration and specialized knowledge of his unique habitat and unpredictable moods. Apparently, these unstoppable Talibani reges were autogenous — inasmuch as no females of the species have yet been found.

The Northern Allianopus
All during September, experts lamented the poor Allianopus. These rather unimpressive gaunt, rodent-like crawlers of the north, we were told, were natural fodder for flesh-eaters of all sorts. Often malnourished and nocturnal, the tiny and shy Allianopus on occasion was forced to make feeble night forays against both Talibanus rex and Alqaedatron — usually ending in an easy feast for his more advanced and specialized carnivorous enemies. No doubt related to the equally unimpressive and perhaps even more frail Southern and Eastern Allianopus.

Alqaedatron
We all trembled in fear of this monster! From his carcass it is hard to remember that this snapping, cave-dwelling iguana — who was seldom seen and almost never successfully cornered — was akin to something like the modern ferocious Gila monster. Alqaedatron — the very name was to send shivers down our spines — was prone to appearing from almost anywhere, spewing forth instantaneously lethal venom, and then scurrying unscathed back into crevices. Parasitic on unsuspecting hosts, often protected by T. rex, this devilish lizard brilliantly camouflaged himself among the unsuspecting vegetarians on whom he fed without fear of retaliation.

Fundamenippus
The world just lately shuddered before the collective neighing of thousands of these hoofed ungulates. The now-extinct beasts were allegedly formidable herders — a social species believed to muster mindlessly on rumors of perceived insults in order to swarm, bite, and kick to death their prey. Their curious donkey-like ears allowed them to hear sounds from above not otherwise detectable to other species. Once an unsuspecting quarry provoked the frenzied throngs of Fundamenippi, he would be pulverized in a sea of crunching molars and wild kicks. The only salvation was to accommodate these unpredictable herds through careful backpedaling, clear expressions of homage, and periodic offerings of food and rangeland.

The Arafator
We should not be misled by the scant remains of that hornet-like stinger. On the slightest sign of conflict, the Arafator would dive out of nowhere to buzz and poke the combatants until he was given ample honey and airspace. At the sound of his droning, both the deadly Alqaedatron and T. rex were likely to join in to snap at the Arafator's prey — and so most adversaries preferred to pay or run before this unstoppable and deadly helldiver.

The Oilodile
Long snouted Oilodilus was the most temperamental, sensitive, and savvy of all our extinct creatures. His myriad eyes missing nothing, this ever-ready siphon was quick to slither out at the first sight of commotion, suck up all the primeval goo of the forest, and then retreat back to his lair to horde it, as the distracted — and soon-to-be-hungry — dinosaurs devoured each other. As recompense for the fouling of his nest, the Oilodile would mete out his ever-scarce, stockpiled nourishment only to those famished beasts which queued and paid proper obeisance — in some sense, he was the real Rex of the age, and had to be coddled at every opportunity.

Americanaderm
Oh, poor Americanaderm! It is hard to conceive that his somnolent and lazy mammoth plodded about just a few months ago. This thick-skinned behemoth was by all accounts plagued with a pea-sized brain; no visible horns, teeth, or trunk; and an innocuous disposition prone to eating and idle amusement — teased mercilessly by the vicious Oilodilus. Only one specimen has been found, suggesting a rather isolated and parochial existence, and reflecting the Americanaderm's perhaps legitimate fears of his more aggressive and lethal competition. This powerless but attractive target was conjectured to be clearly a Darwinian mistake; experts said it probably served as an opulent feast for the Alqaedatron and Talibanus rex alike.

Bushanthropos minor
Harvard researchers shook their heads, dumbfounded, at poor B. minor. Once thought to be related to the purportedly Neanderthal Bushanthropos major, this apparently mute and indecisive hominid was felt to be even more underdeveloped. Recall that he was believed to have no discernable survival mechanisms — at least according to conjectures about his unimpressive mental capacity, arrested analytical skills, and only vestigial vocal facility. Yale experts surmised that Bushanthropos minor was an idle, happy creature who survived only due to long periods of sleep and careful avoidance of the surrounding treacherous landscape. Some Oxford anthropologists believed that he may have found solace in the company of the equally unthinking Americanaderm — a likely symbiosis given their similarly infantile and unobtrusive natures.

Iraqisaurus
No, no! My God, not him! From his shattered skeleton, it is now hard to imagine that, just days ago, this wily and unpredictable serpent coiled, rattled, and slithered unmolested thanks to the plethora of his "unstoppable" weapons and numerous allies. With his infectious, venom-laden fangs, the Iraqisaurus perhaps also emitted toxic gases, lethal spittle, and poisonous dung. Or — heaven forbid — even worse! Even more frightening still, the once deadly snake's lair was occasionally a safe haven for both the deadly Alqaedatron and the unspeakable Fundamenippus, with deadly Arafator humming in the distance — raising the specter of an unstoppable, multifaceted assault on any dinosaur imprudent enough to approach his hole.

As difficult as it is to believe, from the fossils of these extinct creatures, that any of them were really alive, we should take note of their brief existence all the same — so that we can recognize the offspring no doubt to arise among us in the days to come.

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