That's not a knife!
Now--thaats a knife!
Posted on 02/14/2003 3:17:47 AM PST by Pokey78
THE hard man of the Coalition of the Willing, John Winston Howard, has put Saddam Hussein on notice, declaring in Washington this week that it's time for Iraq to get "fair dinkum". DAVID PENBERTHY writes.
This is a full transcript of the Prime Minister's announcement before the world's media explaining the Australian position:
"The people of Australia are neither dills nor drongos. It should by now be obvious that Saddam Hussein reckons we're both and, frankly, I've had a gutful.
"That quality bloke from the UN, Hans Blix, has on several occasions now rocked up in Baghdad for a squizz only to be stuffed around by a blue-chip bullshit artist who insists that, apart from a couple of two-penny bungers and a catherine wheel, his arsenal of weapons amounts to three-fifths of stuff-all.
"To you, Saddam, I say: 'Get your hand off it. This isn't bush week. We didn't come down in the last shower and will muck in for one almighty stink unless you pull your finger out and stop taking the freedom-loving world for a ride.'
"The President was asked whether Australia is part of the coalition of the willing. My oath we are. We're as willing as buggery. As billio. We're as willing as all get-out.
"That said, we are not yet dead-set for a stoush, and still believe that an honest yarn can sort out this barney – but only if Saddam is true blue about it.
"We see little point, however, in adopting the shirt-lifting position taken by some of the continentals.
"Tony Blair has been beaut, even if the average Pom on the street remains iffy.
"But France and Germany are an absolute cotcase, a hopeless bloody rabble. This is hardly surprising, as both nations have well and truly got the runs on the board in the showpony stakes.
"Many of you will be familiar with my colleague Alexander Downer and his doctrine of the busted-arse countries.
"Today I expand that doctrine to include another category – the up-themselves purse-swinging states of Western Europe.
"The Frogs, with their history of having a bob each way, only to bludge their way out of strife, and the Krauts, who brought us the maddest bastard and biggest dust-up of the 20th century, but come the raw prawn in the face of a comparable global shemozzle.
"To the Europeans I say – fair suck of the sav. Unless you lift your game – and quick smart – you will be found standing, dacked, before world opinion.
"In the coming donnybrook, I would also stress that we have absolutely no worries with the Muslim peoples of the world.
"My government has been bagged by bolshies for hopping into queue-jumpers – some reckon I pinched my third spell in the bush capital by giving them heaps – but they're a bloody marvellous mob and I would be more than happy to blow the froth off a couple with any of them should they shack up next door, provided they've had their bona fides sussed by our pen-pushers.
"Any war will be about a fair go for the people of Iraq who have had the mockers put on them for far too long by this rolled-gold, 24-carat nong who, cunning as a shithouse rat, has tried to con the world while acting like a low mongrel towards his own citizens and a raving fruitcake throughout the region.
"Time is running out, Saddam. Comply with the UN's demands and everything will be tickety-boo. Keep piss-farting around and we'll be in like Flynn. And you, Saddam, will be cactus.
"To those domestic whiners and whingers who accuse me of cranking it too hard too early – particularly Simon Crean and his pinko mates, who have given the seppo dippos the irrits by having a red-hot go at their President – I warn that you are playing right into the hands of a man who is demonstrably as mad as a cut snake.
I trust this clarifies the Australian position.
"I would now like to invite the President back to the embassy for a phlegm-cutter.
"I understand he is no longer massively on the turps and may not be on for a proper session. In these troubled times, however, we should allow ourselves a couple of sly ones.
"I thank youse all."
penberthyd@dailytelegraph.com.au
A translation will be made available on request. Although it might be funnier if US readers sent their translations for posting here …
That's not a knife!
Now--thaats a knife!
'Dacked.' I haven't heard that one, since school. All the best, B.
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