Posted on 10/19/2002 5:26:19 PM PDT by Pokey78
WASHINGTON — The Boy Emperor picked up the morning paper and, stunned, dropped his Juicy Juice box with the little straw attached.
"Oh, man," he wailed. "North Korea's got nukes. Sheriff Musharraf was helping them. Al Qaeda's blowing stuff up again. The Pentagon's speculating that the sniper might really be Qaeda decoy teams trying to distract the law while they plan a bio-blitzkrieg or a dirty bomb attack on the capital. Tenet's broken out in hives about the next 9/11. Powell spends all his time kissing up to the Frenchies. Saddam's ranting about a river of American blood. Jebbie's in a world of hurt. The economy's cratering. At least Karl says our war strategy will open up a can of Election Day whoop on Congressional Democrats.
"This is not the way my new doctrine was supposed to work. We are supposed to decide who we pre-empt and when we pre-empt them. The speechwriters called it an Axis of Evil, but it was really just a Spoke of Evil. Condi and Rummy said once we finished off Saddam, nobody would mess with America again. But everything's gotten fuzzier than fuzzy math. Some people are actually talking about my doctrine leading to World War III!!! Karl says that would be bad."
The Boy Emperor was starting to feel bamboozled by his war tutors. He needed a fresh perspective. There was a guy on TV with a round face and deep voice running around Provence, London and Berlin, where he suggested Schröder resign. He was pre-eminent on pre-emption. The Boy summoned him to explain the Bush doctrine.
"Do I know you?" he asked his visitor.
"I am the chairman of your Defense Policy Board," an amused Richard Perle replied. "I am an adviser to Rumsfeld, a friend of Wolfowitz's and a thorn in Powell's medals. Je suis un gourmand, Monsieur le President. I have always dreamed of opening a chain of fast-food soufflé shops based on a machine that would automatically separate eggs, beat the yolks and combine them with hot milk and sugar, add the desired flavorings, whip the whites until stiff, fold them into the mixture and bake in individual pots without human intervention. Then conveyor belts would bring the glass-enclosed ovens to the table and patrons would get to see their meals rise. I've never found investors smart enough to realize the dazzling ingenuity of the Perle Soufflé Doctrine. Meanwhile, I'm killing time trying to get your foreign policy to rise. I'm known as the Prince of Darkness."
"Why?"
"I persuaded Reagan to ignore the weak-kneed, striped-pants set at the State Department and buy every weapon in sight until the Evil Empire was scared stiffer than a perfectly executed meringue."
"But why are we going after a lunatic in Iraq for planning to make a bomb and not a lunatic in North Korea who already has bombs?" the Boy asked.
"At the end of the day," Perle replied, his voice dripping with patience for his student, "Iraq is an easy kill."
"But if North Korea can deter us by brandishing a nuclear weapon," the Boy pressed, "why can't we deter Saddam by brandishing a nuclear weapon?"
"You must puncture the soufflé before it rises," Perle instructed.
"Why are we mad at North Korea for flouting its international agreements when we flout our international agreements?" the Boy wondered.
"You cannot make sublime crêpes suzette without a fire," Perle lectured.
"Didn't you insist that Saddam and Al Qaeda were linked?" the Boy persisted.
"We made that up," Perle shrugged. "You have to be imaginative, as Audrey Hepburn was in `Sabrina' when she offered to make Bogie a soufflé out of saltines and eggs. As the Baron told Sabrina: `A woman happily in love, she burns the soufflé. A woman unhappily in love, she forgets to turn on the oven!' "
"Huh?" the Boy said. "Tony and Colin told me to stop talking about `regime change' and instead say, `War is a last resort,' and stop talking about a `pre-emptive strike' and instead say, `War is not imminent.' "
"They're sissies," Perle said, his lip curling with an epicene disdain. "You cannot deliver the sashimi unless you use the blade."
The Boy Emperor was more befuddled than ever.
"Get me Condi!" he yelled. "And a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
Similar to the Babs syndrome. I just love it when they make fools of themselves this way!
Yeah, me too. Scratching my head on this one.
I used to like reading Dowd. She had funny things to say about Clinton (though wasn't he the Boy president too in her parlance?) and the whole lunacy of the Starr-Lewinsky-Clinton melodrama acted out on an international stage. She was a good columnist for that era.
But we are in a more serious time now. The gilded gawdy 90's are over, and Dowd is an anachronism given to the belief that writing obscurely shows more intelligence than writing to communicate actual ideas.
Pity. She seemed to be a bright woman.
I think we could get a campaign going here on FR. We could send the Dowdy One email and hardcopy glossy photos of Zeta - maybe even from Ms. Jones herself by standard fanmail processes - embossed with things like "Wish You Were Here...Don't Ya?", or "Michael says Hi", or maybe, "To My Biggest Fan...XOXOXO". And time their arrival for the release of "Chicago". Heh-Heh.
What am I saying......I bet Howell loved it!
Entirely apart from the vile sentiments, I would, as a newspaper editor, consider a column this bad to be reason for dismissal. (And I've been a newspaper editor, too.)
Scary:
The liberal elite, as portrayed by Miss Mau Mau Dowd, are a bunch of self-loathing toads.
The proof is that they realize that if their utopian hell is brought about, they will be the first eliminated in the first wave of dumbing-down.
MD ? Do you have a thought ever in the life that you live , you might be mistaken ? I'm sorry it is so simple princess . . .
It never works in the long run and the dedicated doner's are always left ... sucking free aire ;) , running down the road of life constantly looking for a reason to get out of bed .
Helen Thomas is a class action cause for being an old tired dreck . Helen ? Do the Republic a solid and never kiss a male ..
Here's a link to a picture of Dowdy in the peanut gallery
Man, judging by the FR response, she really hit the bullseye. I counted 100% anti-Dowd comments on this thread - almost as unanimous as the Saddam vote last week. Funny though, other than someone discussing Dowd's criticizing Ronald Reagan for his military expenditures, there was nothing on the content, other than noting that she was 'vile' or envious on some actress' pregnancy or stupid.
I normally don't read Dowd's columns (Mr. Coulter is my true goddess-columnist - because she's courageous and brilliant). Dowd used to be quite popular at FR during the Monica days. She used to mercilessly trash/ridicule Bill Clinton almost every other week those days. She ceased being very relevant or very funny after that. But, boy, this one is great. I don't agree with 100% of it (some of the ideological stuff) but she IS very observant.
Excellent piece.
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