Invest more, and replenish (Dave Barry humor break!)

Yes, I am talking to YOU, Mr. or Ms. Small Investor. Wall Street is getting sick and tired of your namby-pamby ''wait and see'' attitude toward the stock market. Wall Street wants you to show some courage and resume handing your money over to Wall Street, the way you did back in the excellent 1990s, when we had a New Economy, and leading Wall Street analysts were touting all these amazing new companies that were in the exciting new business of . . . OK, nobody really knew what exact business they were in, but it was NEW!

Back then, the message from Wall Street, as expressed in TV commercials for brokerage firms, was that if you gave them your money, in three or four weeks you would reap gigantic profits, then retire to a lifestyle in which the hardest work you had to do was think of names for your polo ponies.

Unfortunately, things did not work out that way. It turned out that we did not have a New Economy, and that leading Wall Street stock analysts were, to put it charitably, smoking crack. It turned out that you would have been better off, from an investment standpoint, if you had fed your retirement nest egg, a quarter at a time, into a Skee-Ball machine.

So, OK, Wall Street made a mistake. We all make mistakes! But now Wall Street is graciously willing to let bygones be bygones, and would very much like to win back your investor confidence, in the form of money. Your major brokerage firms, in an effort to show they have ''turned over a new leaf,'' have taken the extreme step of running a new type of commercial, wherein Wall Street professionals show sincere concern for small investors by actually talking directly to them, answering their questions, stroking their hair, etc. The message of these commercials is: ``You can trust us now, because we are no longer flagrantly lying to you!''

Nevertheless, you small investors remain skittish. One reason is these darned accounting scandals. I don't know about you, but I always thought of accountants as being serious, suit-wearing people whose idea of a wild and crazy night was to crack open a bottle of Snapple and recalculate their tax returns. And here it turns out that accounting is a WILD AND CRAZY profession. It is the Limp Bizkit of professions.

They are NUTS, those accountants! First, they declared that Enron was a legitimate corporation, when in fact it had basically the same business plan as a guy sticking up a 7-11. And then they gave us WorldCom. Here is the first sentence of the Washington Post story on the day the scandal broke:

``WorldCom Inc. said last night it had improperly accounted for $3.8 billion in expenses and would restate its financial results for the last five quarters.''

Yes! Nearly FOUR BILLION DOLLARS! This is an incredible feat of improper accounting, on a par with some of the finest work of the federal government. The WorldCom accounting department must have slaved day and night to improperly account for that much money in such a short time. I've been filing expense reports to The Miami Herald for 20 years, and I bet I haven't improperly accounted for HALF that amount.

Of course, the accountants responsible for these scandals are now in serious trouble; some may go to jail. As caring and forgiving people, we can only hope that, some day, they will be rehabilitated and find work as cashiers for Burger King (``OK, your total is $3.67, so your change is . . . let's see . . . $23 million'').

But my point is that these accounting scandals made you small investors even more nervous. And THEN there was this unfortunate situation with Martha Stewart, who is in hot water (mineral, with a slice of lemon) because she allegedly may have benefited from insider trading. This a great tragedy, and although many of us may have poked fun at Martha in the past, now, seeing her in this mess, we are lying face-down on the floor in a puddle of drool five feet in diameter.

But the point is, Wall Street is in trouble, and things are not going to get better until you, the small investor, stop selfishly thinking about yourself all the time. It's time for you to show some guts and gather together whatever money you have been able to acquire since the last time you got nailed by Wall Street, and send it to Wall Street. Just do it! Wall Street needs your money NOW! That crack stuff is not cheap.

It turned out that we did not have a New Economy, and that leading Wall Street stock analysts were, to put it charitably, smoking crack

Ouch...wonder if Dave Barry lost some money in the stock market.

The analysts have gotten off easy, though. Maybe at some point there will be some investigation into how they determine their stock ratings.

Ouch...wonder if Dave Barry lost some money in the stock market.

I don't know about Dave,... but I know I have. Somehow, though, I can't seem to view it quite as funny as Dave does!

"we are lying face-down on the floor in a puddle of drool five feet in diameter",

Puddle of Drool would make an excellent name for a rock band (with apologies to the master)

I really enjoyed the Charles Schwab town meeting commerical in which CS said relax, don't worry. And all the actor 'investors' in the ad gave this little titter of anxious laughter.

If you had followed the advice implied in the ad at the time it was out you would have lost money.

If you had followed the advice implied in the ad at the time it was out you would have lost money.

Phase 1 Ads: The stop market is going up, ,up, up.. Invest all of your money, and your great grandmas, and you're all gonna be millionaires.

Phase 2 Ads: It's just a little correction folks...what goes down must go up. It's a new world...invest now, more bang for your bucks!

Phase 3 Ads: You're in it for the long haul...you can trust us...just send more money.

Phase 4 Ads...well, you've already lost so much money, what's the point of taking anything out now? Just send us more money, and you can trust us. We care. Why, we're even go out there and talk to you little folk!

And to think, in PT Barnum's time, there was only one sucker bought every minute?

You forgot "Phase 5";

"This must be the bottom, so better get on board before you miss the train! Wouldn't you hate to wake up next week and find the Market 15% higher and kick yourself because you missed the train?"

Wouldn't you hate to wake up next week and find the Market 15% higher and kick yourself because you missed the train?

You wouldn't have to kick yourself, because the next day it would be 17% lower than it was before, and you could buy even cheaper. (Except that the next week it would be even lower.)

Prediction: NASDAQ will hit 1000 before it turns around for good. And that may take another six months.

The analysts have gotten off easy, though. Maybe at some point there will be some investigation into how they determine their stock ratings.

I think that people that just hand their investors money and say "go to town" are on crack. You don't HAVE to listen to analysts- do your OWN investigation. It does not take much time or effort to get educated on what constitutes a good investment. Work WITH your financial planner and remember that most of them get commissions from mutual funds--so be aware and be smart. ;-D

I can clearly remember a time not so long ago when middle-class people thought of Wall Street in the same way as Las Vegas.Everyone can play there, but you only bring the money you can afford to lose.

I am all for prosecuting corporate illegal financial games.But in the interest of fair play and common sense, what idiot still thinks Wall Street held honesty in high esteem ever since the baby boombers came of age to run it?

Financial success stopped making sense to me when money manipulation empires started trumping actual production profits vs losses.The dot.com fiasco should have been a "welcome to reality call".

Dave Barry is hilarious.He would be funnier if the small and medium, and the apparantly few large, honest businesses would not have to suffer for the corruption of a few sleazy giant paper tigers.

Lawgirl:"Work WITH your financial planner and remember that most of them get commissions from mutual funds--so be aware and be smart"

Sarasmom: "I can clearly remember a time not so long ago when middle-class people thought of Wall Street in the same way as Las Vegas. Everyone can play there, but you only bring the money you can afford to lose"

Common sense bump.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.