'It's only a beer': the unwritten contracts between men and women

The Guardian ^ | 29 May 2018 | Kira Smith

[Cronos]

Tbowling alley in my small town in central Pennsylvania. An older man bought me a beer and talked to me while he shot pool. Smoking and drinking in that grungy bowling-alley bar in the seediest part of town, I felt cosmopolitan and mature. I was oblivious to the transaction taking place: by drinking his beer, I was entering into an implicit and unwritten contract in which I was expected to fulfill a sexual obligation. One of my more astute and experienced friends told the man that I had a boyfriend and had no intention of being intimate with him. He became irate and threw a lit cigarette into my hair as I left the bar. I went home scared and confused as to why my acceptance of a beer and friendly conversation had gotten me into a terrifying mess.

What I learned that day is that attention from unfamiliar men is implicitly transactional, and a failure to pay the price can result in some traumatic consequence. I admit that on this point, I have been proven wrong repeatedly over time. But I have also had enough disturbing experiences that every male stranger is suspect. It’s always possible that I am going to be expected to acknowledge a tacit, unwritten contract and obey its terms and conditions. It’s a contract only a man can create, and sometimes it feels like only a man can break it. Women are expected to sign on the dotted line.. ...

[Cronos]

Society is really decaying. I think I probably bought a beer for a woman about twice, but in both cases the explicit idea was a conversation - may be it would turn into a date in the future, but I made it very clear that to a Catholic like me, sleeping around before marriage was not something I would do.

I think it makes it easier for everyone - why not just relax in a person's company. Everything doesn't have to be about sex.

I think this is a real decay in society's morals

[thoughtomator]

Is this woman completely clueless as to why a man would give something to an unknown woman for free?

Or was she happy to be a sexual object only when it comes to getting free stuff, but not when it comes to reciprocation?

[RegulatorCountry]

This woman’s recollections must be at least 40 years old. I recall, in my club-going days, that young attractive women would waltz in, flit from older guy to older guy, asking them to buy them a drink, then blowing them off, never paying for a drink the entire night. As the years passed, it eventually happened to me. Having witnessed this behavior for so long, my response was “well, no, I’m not buying you a drink, I don’t know you and besides you’re really not all that cute.” If looks could kill, but it was so worth it.

[AppyPappy]

So if a guy buys you a beer, you are expected to have sex with him?

[Arm_Bears]

So—Roaring women lose their independence, competence, voice, ability, etc. the moment they let a guy buy them a beer?

[Bruce Campbells Chin]

Stupid article.

It's not a contract for sex - it is a statement of interest by the guy. Guy buys a girl a drink, he's saying "I'm interested in you, and want to take the next 15 or so minutes to see if the interest is mutual." If the girl accepts, she doesn't owe him sex. She's telling him "take your best shot, and I'll see if I'm interested."

Now, a lot of women won't do even that -- they'll take a beer and casually lead on a guy just to get free drinks for a night. It's kind of a crappy thing for a woman to do, but it also is the guy's fault for being dumb enough to keep buying her drinks.

[PapaBear3625]

Or perhaps she should stay out of pool halls.

I agree that a man providing a woman with a beer should not be seen as putting her under an obligation to have sex with him.

A woman providing a man with sex, similarly should not be seen by her as putting him under any obligation to provide her with a ring at any point, or any other form of future commitment. She should see it as just an opportunity to have a pleasant time in his bed.

[Alberta's Child]

This silly article sounds like a phony #MeNeither story.

[Cronos]

I’ve never experienced a woman coming up and asking me that! But really good come-back from you

[Mr. Jeeves]

When I finally got up to leave, he didn’t ask for my number.

See? When you don't escalate she gets even more angry. :)

[robroys woman]

Is this woman completely clueless as to why a man would give something to an unknown woman for free?

Or was she happy to be a sexual object only when it comes to getting free stuff, but not when it comes to reciprocation?

---

Personally, I think she is feigning ignorance. However, the difference between ignorance and stupidity is that if you are ignorant of something a reasonable person in your position would not be ignorant of, you have ramped it up to stupidity.

So either the woman is feigning ignorance or exposing her stupidity. I think it is the former. It sets up the purpose of the article.

[RegulatorCountry]

Poor little put-upon victim of the male patriarchy becomes empowered.

Bog standard progressive boilerplate.

[Born to Conserve]

Crazy woman alert.

[thoughtomator]

> So if a guy buys you a beer, you are expected to have sex with him?

When was the last time another guy, previously unknown to you, bought you a beer?

[joesbucks]

She wanted to be a sexual object on her terms. Had the male been desirable to her, it would have been offer and acceptance.

I've related this story before, but it worth repeating. Two young ladies were standing at the order counter of the cafeteria in my building. One was lamenting that she was so upset that "Joe" had been "looking" at her a little too much. The conversation went back and forth what a jerk he was, that he was gross. Should he be reported and so on.

But the other young lady finally chimed in about the low cut and revealing top young lady one was wearing. Young lady one responded she was wearing it to capture the attention of "Bob" who she would like to develop a relationship with. So it was cool for "Bob" to look and be attracted to the view but "Joe" was a pervy letch if he did. I learned a lot by that conversation.

[relictele]

Only prostitutes think in ‘transactional’ terms.

As the old joke goes, we know what the writer is, we’re just negotiating price.

[HangnJudge]

This is going to be a Very interesting thread

[Pollster1]

I was oblivious to the transaction taking place: by drinking his beer, I was entering into an implicit and unwritten contract in which I was expected to fulfill a sexual obligation.

There is an unwritten contract, but that is not what I thought it said. Going back many decades to when I was single: by accepting a drink, the woman who accepted was entering into an implicit contract to engage in social conversation, with at least some potential for a date. Even a full date does not carry an obligation to have sex, or even a goodnight kiss. Any man who demands more is a pig.

[Cletus.D.Yokel]

:: Or was she happy to be a sexual object only when it comes to getting free stuff, but not when it comes to reciprocation? ::

Thread WINNER!!!!

[Beagle8U]

This article is BS. Women don’t expect to put out if you buy them a beer.

Now, if you buy them a burger and fries? Yeah, she’ll be giving up the gooch.