Posted on 07/17/2017 11:21:13 AM PDT by nickcarraway
Jody Allard July 6, 2017
Share285 men If the feminist men—the men who proudly declare their progressive politics and their fight for quality—aren’t safe, then what man is? No man, I fear.
I have two sons. They are strong and compassionate—the kind of boys other parents are glad to meet when their daughters bring them home for dinner. They are good boys, in the ways good boys are, but they are not safe boys. I’m starting to believe there’s no such thing.
I wrote an essay in The Washington Post last year, during the height of the Brock Turner case, about my sons and rape culture. I didn’t think it would be controversial when I wrote it; I was sure most parents grappled with raising sons in the midst of rape culture. The struggle I wrote about was universal, I thought, but I was wrong. My essay went semi-viral, and for the first time my sons encountered my words about them on their friends’ phones, their teachers’ computers, and even overheard them discussed by strangers on a crowded metro bus. It was one thing to agree to be written about in relative obscurity, and quite another thing to have my words intrude on their daily lives.
One of my sons was hurt by my words, although he’s never told me so. He doesn’t understand why I lumped him and his brother together in my essay. He sees himself as the “good” one, the one who is sensitive and thoughtful, and who listens instead of reacts. He doesn’t understand that even quiet misogyny is misogyny, and that not all sexists sound like Twitter trolls. He is angry at me now, although he won’t admit that either, and his anger led him to conservative websites and YouTube channels; places where he can surround himself with righteous indignation against feminists, and tell himself it’s ungrateful women like me who are the problem.
I teeter frequently between supporting my son and educating him. Is it my job as his mother to ensure he feels safe emotionally, no matter what violence he spews? Is it my job as his mother to steer and educate, no matter how much that education challenges his view of himself? I think it’s both, but the balance between the two has proven impossible to pinpoint. When I hear his voice become defensive, I back off but question whether I’m doing him any favors by allowing his perception of himself to go unchallenged. When I confront him with his own sexism, I question whether I’m pushing too hard and leaving him without an emotional safe space in his home.
As a single mother, I sometimes wonder whether the real problem is that my sons have no role models for the type of men I hope they become. But when I look around at the men I know, I’m not sure a male partner would fill that hole. Where are these men who are enlightened but not arrogant? Who are feminists without self-congratulation? If my sons need role models, they may have to become their own.
I joined Bumble recently, after a six-plus year break from dating. I’m not overly interested in dating in the first place, but I’m starved for adult conversation so dating feels like a necessary evil. Bumble, as I explained to my married friends, is like the feminist Tinder. Women have to initiate contact with men, so at least there’s no inbox full of dick picks every day. But, feminist or not, the men are no different from the men anywhere else and I quickly felt deflated. If the feminist men — the men who proudly declare their progressive politics and their fight for quality — aren’t safe, then what man is? No man, I fear.
I know I’m not supposed to cast an entire sex with a single paint brush — not all men, I’m sure some readers are thinking and preparing to type or tweet. But if it’s impossible for a white person to grow up without adopting racist ideas, simply because of the environment in which they live, how can I expect men not to subconsciously absorb at least some degree of sexism? White people aren’t safe, and men aren’t safe, no matter how much I’d like to assure myself that these things aren’t true.
My sons won’t rape unconscious women behind a dumpster, and neither will most of the progressive men I know. But what all of these men share in common, even my sons, is a relentless questioning and disbelief of the female experience. I do not want to prove my pain, or provide enough evidence to convince anyone that my trauma is merited. I’m through wasting my time on people who are more interested in ideas than feelings, and I’m through pretending these people, these men, are safe.
I love my sons, and I love some individual men. It pains me to say that I don’t feel emotionally safe with them, and perhaps never have with a man, but it needs to be said because far too often we are afraid to say it. This is not a reflection of something broken or damaged in me; it is a reflection of the systems we build and our boys absorb. Those little boys grow into men who know the value of women, the value that’s been ascribed to us by a broken system, and it seeps out from them in a million tiny, toxic ways.
I don’t know what the balance is between supporting these men and educating them, but I know the toll it takes on me to try. I am too valuable and too worthy to waste my time on men who are not my flesh and blood. But as my boys grow into men, I wonder whether I’ve done enough to combat the messages they hear from everyone but me. They are good boys, and maybe that’s the best they can be in the system we’ve created for them.
Jody Allard is a former techie-turned-freelance-writer living in Seattle. She can be reached through her website, on Twitter or via her Facebook page.
You come across as female in your replies here. You do in the reply to which I’m responding. It was an honest observation. So, you can dispense with the homosexual innuendo.
She wonders if her boys need role models, then states that she’s on “the feminist Tinder”, thus assuring that they will never encounter any man who’s not a beta metrosexual. Good going, mom.
It would never occur to me to compare my words to red letter words in the Bible. I try to live by them and fail far too often, as all of us mere sinners, forgiven but mere sinners still, tend to do. As for yourself, well, you belong in the same classification. Remember that.
That’s why I am challenging you to apply your very same gender filter to the talk of Jesus.
Get a red print bible and go to the gospels... that will make it super easy.
Now don’t you see this talk as “sissy”?
Now do you realize you are talking about the Holy Son who created the universe?
And the Village People await if you want macho.
And it also is crystal clear that you are playing rope a dope with God, as so many Christianesque people do.
The result? You might get a doghouse in heaven.
Dogs will let your body lie dead in the home for up to 7 days before they start eating you.
Cats only three.
This one is going to get gobbled up quick!
because a few men are actual rapists, all men are potential rapists, which is an inappropriate and illogical generalization
I don’t get any sense of feminism from the words of Jesus Christ, sorry.
“Feminism”?
Or “Femininity”?
You’ve artfully altered the discussion.
“Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
OK. Is this a nice lady offering you to crash? Be honest!
You deem to speak for God far too often, HiTech Redneck. As for my seat in heaven I’m grateful to have one. Should you somehow receive better, I suspect you’ll be in no position to lord it over me or anyone else.
Did anyone else notice how she seemed to imply without any knowledge that the Stanford Swimmer rapist guys was a “conservative” or something similar?
No, honestly I perceive no particular level of femininity in that statement.
She is doing a great job giving her sons a perfect example of the exact kind of woman from which they should RUN. For the love of God above, Run for their lives.
Far too often? We should do it always. It just requires yielding one’s words to the bible. You show a very false modesty.
Oh, you’ll be happy as the little thing you are, in the doghouse. Far be it from me to want to disturb it.
“My sons won’t rape unconscious women behind a dumpster, and neither will most of the progressive men I know”
Has this women ever MET a convicted rapist?
So what do you “perceive as femininity” in mine?
Be honest.
Is it because I rebuke macho?
I think it will be because I just don’t jump on the social macho bandwagon with you.
It’s the tone and tenor of the words you write as well as your choice of words.
No,no.no, read the other article she wrote. She’s been married 3x and has 7 KIDS!!!!!!!
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