This may be the time for that divorce

Given the results of recent national elections, it appears that the nation is split on a number of issues that neither side considers negotiable.

In May 2009, I wrote an article suggesting an amicable divorce between the two sides, with a partitioning of national assets between the two groups based on what was dear to each. It was a rhetorical device to outline the differences found in a split nation, and to make a larger point about ideology applied to everyday life.

The winners of the last election will get to keep the parts of America they like best. It seems only fair that the winners get to take the first cut.

Outside of a few states, Obama’s America gets the large cities. Without question they get to keep Detroit, Buffalo, N.Y., Cincinnati, Cleveland, Miami, St. Louis, El Paso, Texas, Milwaukee, Philadelphia and Newark, N.J. None of these municipalities have had a conservative (let alone a Republican) administration for as long as anyone can remember. These are also, according to the Census Bureau, the cities with the highest poverty rates.

In Iowa, Obama’s America also keeps the largest cities. As the last several elections have shown, they already own them. We get all the western rural counties; the eastern counties can choose to go either way.

Obama’s America gets the Wall Street protesters, and we get Wall Street. They can keep the national-level media, and government unions. They obviously own them outright.

We’ll keep the "bitter clingers," those who hold onto their guns, Bibles and Judeo-Christian values. Obama’s America can keep the god-of-the-week, and cars that run on soy grease and electricity and are generated from anything except coal and nuclear power.

We get the coal and nuclear power plants. We also get all the coal and oil fields along with the uranium deposits. Obama’s America has no interest in these or doesn’t want anything to do with them.

We get to keep the Constitution. Obama’s America can have the "living document," along with political correctness, laws regulating "hate" speech, and the government protected right to sex without consequences that has magically morphed into a "women’s issue."

We get to keep "the rich" and it is especially important that we retain the "older white males." These two groups pay the overwhelming share of taxes, and we would like to keep them. In fact, we will institute a yearly holiday, much like Veteran’s Day, when "the rich" and "older white males" are thanked for their service to the nation.

We will keep the scientists and artists who could survive without a government grant. Obama’s America could keep schools that could not run without federal intervention.

As radical as this may sound to the other America, we are willing to give Obama’s nation all federally controlled, protected, and financed health care. Our nation will do whatever we can to turn health care into a free market.

We will keep rights that are God-given. Obama’s America can keep the rights granted by the government; the right to health care, of an education, to housing, and the right to whatever else that could win any given election.

We get to keep the part of the federal government that maintains the rule of law, and is prohibited from making transfer payments. Obama’s America can have all the rest.

We will gladly trade Washington D.C. and New York for North and South Dakota, Montana, and Wyoming.

What do you think the two nations would look like 20 years from now? Which one would be indistinguishable from any third-world country?

Do you think there would be a fence between them? Would the fence keep people out, or like North Korea and East Germany, would the fence be there to keep unhappy people from fleeing their centrally government-managed paradise?

I received an email today along these lines, supposedly written by a young law student:

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes.

2. We don’t like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.

3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

4. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.

5. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.

6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

7. We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.

8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.

9. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.

10. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..

11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

13. We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

15. We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors..

17. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right.

18. We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”

19. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya,” or “We Are the World”.

20. We’ll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

21. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag.

22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S..: And you won’t have to “Press 1 for English” when you call our country.

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