The List: The World’s Top Spy Agencies

With the Cold War long over, the CIA no longer faces any real competition, right? Wrong. The world’s top espionage agencies are as busy as ever.

Area of expertise: Officially—counterterrorism and protecting Russian commercial interests abroad. Unofficially—consolidating political power back home.

Activities: Russia has a formidable spying tradition that dates back to the czarist-era Cheka. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, the once omnipotent KGB was broken up into several smaller organizations with vastly limited powers. Since ex-KGB man Vladimir Putin took power, however, the SVR, or Sluzhba Vneshney Razvedk as it’s known in Russian, has recovered much of its swagger. Russian spying within the United States is now back to Cold War levels, U.S. officials believe. Peter Earnest, the executive director of the International Spy Museum in Washington, who matched wits with the KGB as a CIA operative for over three decades, shared this assessment. “They are as important today as they ever were, if not more,” he said. “Russia has not eased off at all on its espionage activities.” The SVR is widely suspected to have played a role in the assassination of ex-spy Alexander Litvinenko in London last year. Putin has denied this allegation and lauded the SVR as “one of the most professional and effective special services.” In reality, the intelligence services have emerged as one of the most powerful political groups in Putin’s Russia, and ex-KGB agents occupy many of the Kremlin’s key positions. As the Russian saying goes, “There’s no such thing as an ex-Chekist.”

With the Cold War long over, the CIA no longer faces any real competition, right? Wrong. The world’s top espionage agencies are as busy as ever.

And they’re a lot better than the CIA, who claims Iran dumped their nuke program 4 years ago.

I found this satirical “Practice questions for your CIA exam” on FR’s finest. It’s even funnier because it’s true.

U.S. intelligence missed Pakistan’s nukes, India’s nukes, the Soviets’ nukes, North Korea’s nukes, Iraq’s no nukes, the Soviet collapse, the Cuban missile crises, the Holocaust, Tet Offensive, Iraq invading Kuwait, Pearl Harbor, 9/11, Sudan’s Aspirin factory, Osama’s and Mullah Omar’s whereabouts. Other than these, U.S. intel is the best (except for the Mossad, Britain’s MI6, Russia’s SVR, Canada’s CSIS, etc.) and there’s nothing more intellectually challenging and rewarding than a career as an intelligence analyst. To qualify for employment in this demanding field, critical thinking is important. Analytical skill is essential. You must be able to look at seemingly unrelated bits and pieces of complicated facts and data points and consistently connect the dots, then methodically disconnect them.

To give you an idea of what to expect, and to see if you possess the amazing skills required, try the sample test questions below and see if you qualify to be a CIA analyst!

1. The 2007 National Intelligence Estimate says ignore the 2005 National Intelligence Estimate. It was wrong. The 2005 NIE judged with high confidence that Iran had a nuclear weapons program. The 2007 NIE judges with high confidence Iran does not have a nuclear weapons program — or the program was mothballed in 2003 and it took 16 agencies only over four years to find out. In 2003, the U.S. was bombing Iran’s neighbor, Iraq, believing Iraq possessed WMDs, based on the slam-dunk 2002 NIE. Given these facts, which of the following is the most likely reason behind the timing of Iran’s suspending its nuclear program:

A. The Iranian mullahs did not want to suffer the same fate as Saddam, so they reached for the pause button, just in case.

B. The Iraq war had nothing to do with it — Iran’s rulers were always filled with peaceful intentions, and were moved by the power of diplomacy, although it wasn’t happening yet.
(If your answer was “B”, CONGRATULATIONS! You’re on your way to being a CIA analyst.)

2. Iran holds the world’s second-largest oil and gas reserves. Iran is the world’s fourth largest oil producer. Iran has repeatedly threatened Israel with nuclear annihilation, vowing (in Apocalyptic language) to engulf the Mideast in a nuclear conflagration, to pave the way for the return of the 12th Imam. So, given these facts, which of the following is the most likely purpose behind Iran’s uranium enrichment program, with 3,000 centrifuges going full tilt:

A. To produce the bomb.

B. To generate peaceful electricity.
(Correct answer: B)

3. Iran has just finished successfully testing the Ashura, a solid-fuel, multistage missile with a range of 1,240 miles, putting Europe in range. Given these facts, the Ashura missile:

A. Represents a giant milepost on the road to developing a nuclear-tipped, Intercontinental Ballistic Missile, since an ICBM without a nuclear warhead makes little military sense.

B. Represents a milepost in peaceful Iran’s space program!
(Correct answer was obviously B, again.)

4. The 2007 NIE involves events in Iran in 2003, which took four years to uncover, by accident. Which means:

A. The latest NIE is four years out of date and useless in formulating current policy, since Iran could have restarted its nuclear program after 2003 undetected.

B. The NIE is very timely and accurate; driving using only the rear-view mirror can be very safe.
(The only correct answer is: B)

5. The 2007 NIE claims that Iran’s uranium enrichment and weaponization programs were shelved in 2003. Ahmadinejad then gets “elected”, the uranium enrichment resumes, so it’s logical to suspect the weaponization program:

A. Resumed as well.

B. Did not resume. Relax. Islamic republics led by madmen are always peaceful.
(Only possible answer: B)

6. The 2007 NIE pegs its revised assertions about Iran almost solely on an Iranian defector, the kind of source which:

A. Should be viewed with suspicion, given Iranian deception.

B. Should not be viewed with suspicion because Iran would never use the oldest trick in the book. Trust us. We’re the experts.
(No-brainer answer: B)

Now, to experience what it actually feels like to be a CIA analyst, think of your head as a thermometer. Next, take this thermometer and move it near the terminal section of the anal canal; insert the thermometer . . . there! You’re now a CIA ANALyst!

The SVR is widely suspected to have played a role in the assassination of ex-spy Alexander Litvinenko in London last year.

Assassinating people with exotic radioactive poisons, a la Litvinenko, is an old KGB specialty. The following shows how little things have changed in Russia.

Nikolai Chochlov, a former KGB Assassin was poisoned with Thallium in 1957. Chochlov had ordered the assassination of several Soviet emigres, then in 1954 he was ordered to assassinate Georgi Okolovich himself. Chochlov presented himself to Okolovich and told him he had been sent to kill him, but then asked him to call the West German authorities. Following an intensive debrief Chochlov led the German intelligence services to two of his accomplices and some secret murder weapons hidden in a car battery. In September 1957 Chochlov fell ill with stomach cramps and nausea. Within days his hair had fallen out and he was covered in marks on his skin. German doctors suspected Thallium poisoning and tried every known antidote without success. Okolovich convinced a local US Army hospital to take care of Chochlov. Chochlov was taken to the US hospital and given round the clock treatment including Hydrocortisone treatment, steroids, and blood and plasma transfusions. By October 1957 Chochlov was off the danger list, however he was badly scarred and completely bald. Toxicologists later discovered that Chochlov had been poisoned by Thallium that had been exposed to intense levels of ionizing radiation. this had caused the poisonous metal to disintegrate through Chochlovs bloodstream whilst causing bone damage and destroying the white corpuscles of the blood. [from Wikipedia]

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