NEW YORK TIMES: The Newspaper of Record Treason
Note: you are bidding on a greeting card that Osama bin Laden may have just sent to New York Times editor Bill Keller, thanking him for leaking classified information. That leak of an important operation that goes after the terrorist money supply may well result in more Americans dying. Although I cannot warrant that Osama actually sent this card, knowing the track record of the treasonous activities at the New York Times, it would not be surprising. I can warrant that it is a real greeting card printed on real card stock. The Teddy Bear on the front is pretty cute. The card will be sent to the winner via first class mail.
A usually unreliable friend of mine in New York claims that he came into a contact with an interesting man, who suffers from Leber congenital amaurosis. That mystery man told my friend that he saw Keller and an unknown New York Times intern with amazing cleavage having lunch at the Tavern on the Green. They were reading a greeting card and laughing off their posteriors. The card was accidentally left on the table after lunch. When it was not claimed for 24 hours, it was given to my friend’s contact by the head waiter. When my friend obtained possession of the card from his contact, he knew I would want to have it.
This card is one of my prized possessions, and I consider it even more valuable than my Barry Bonds rookie card. It’s kind of funny. Barry had much smaller muscles then.
As long as we are on the subject of cards, there is one for which I would be willing to pay a great deal. That card is the apology card delivered for Governor Bill Clinton by an Arkansas trooper to a woman Clinton had sexually assaulted. No, it wasn’t Juanita Broaddrick. It was another victim. No, it wasn’t Eileen Wellstone, either.
The Old Gray Lady ain’t what she used to be, huh? Can you imagine if Bill Keller had been the editor during World War II? He would have let the Germans know of the date and beaches on which we would land in Normandy. He would have published the Navajo Code – in English and Japanese. He would have let Hirohito know when and from where the plane was taking off for the special delivery of Fat Man and Little Boy to his Pearl Harbor bombing imperial nation.
Bill Keller and others at the New York Times need to be prosecuted. Perhaps the Rosenberg treatment is in order. It would be a wonderful opportunity to bring back an icon of true Americana, Old Sparky. As you can tell, I do not like Fifth Columnists.
As a side note, although I really would like to keep the card, I need to sell it to raise some money. I allowed my dogs, George and Kramer, to perform a bodily function on the New York Times in the backyard after their dinner. I then burned the paper. Needless to say, I was shocked when the EPA showed up at my door and cited me for an air pollution violation. What has happened to our country? Someone can burn our flag, but I can’t burn a copy of the treasonous New York Times? Anyway, come on, let’s get the bidding going so I can pay my fine. (Just kidding. The money will really go to FreeRepublic.com.)
========================================================INSIDE OF CARD:
Billy:
Praise be to Allah the most merciful. As I continue to hide in caves, live with real smelly women, and run from the American infidel swine, I don't often receive good news. My heart sunk lower than camel dung when I heard what they did to the Z-man's safe house. Praise be to Allah, may he be enjoying the virgins.
May Allah heap rewards on you for your story that leaked what your government was doing to my friends' money. Thanks to you, we have renewed hope, and with Allah's great power, we will drive the infidels out of our sacred land. We will beat them like a mullah would beat his Persian rug or teenage daughter who dared to show her knee.
As Allah is my witness, when it is time for us to strike again deep into the heart of the infidel, we will do our best not to destroy your New York Times building. Just in case, my brother in law sells insurance. You two need to talk. Don't worry, I've told him about you. He won't slit your throat.
Please pass friendly greetings for me to The Murtha, The Perky One, The Perjuring One, and The One Who Flies on a Broom. May Allah forgive me, but I could tell you stories about how I defile the One Who Flies on a Broom in my dreams. She is so hot and would look wonderful in a burqa.
Your pal forever,
Osama
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