Posted on 02/26/2004 3:08:51 PM PST by trajanus_red
FEBRUARY 26, 2004. HEARING ROOM.
Rep. Frank Moral questions Arthur Cockroach, CEO of Eternal Broadcasting.
Q: Have you ever uttered the word f***?
A: Where?
Q: Anywhere.
A: I may have, once. In 1981, when an elephant stepped on my metacarpal in India.
Q: What punishment would you say fits that crime?
A: Perhaps a public beating with a whip, sir.
Q: Are you making an oblique reference to The Passion of Christ?
A: Not consciously. If I have erred or sinned, I will submit to additional torture.
Q: What about Janet Jackson's right breast?
A: I never saw it or would see it.
Q: Have you ever seen another breast?
A: My wife's.
Q: How many times?
A: At the most, five times. Two and a half times, if you count both breasts.
Q: Do you believe the sequence of Jackson's breast, the release of the Mel Gibson film, the outbreak of gay marriages, the firing of Howard Stern, and these hearings are a carefully orchestrated series of events?
A: Of course not!
Q: What about masturbation?
A: What about it?
Q: The witness is being unresponsive.
A: I take the Fifth.
Q: Are you prepared to accept Jesus as your savior?
A: I have.
Q: When?
A: Last night.
Q: Did you undergo baptism?
A: In the shower at my hotel.
Q: What changes have you instituted at Eternal Broadcasting?
A: All our programming is now confined to quiet music.
Q: How quiet?
A: Barely audible.
Q: Is the FCC the Holy Ghost?
A: Most assuredly.
Q: And if you had to choose between love and revenge?
A: Love is a temporary bunker behind which the missiles are positioned. When the forces of evil are clearly identified, the launch sequence is initiated.
Q: Are you willing to name names of other broadcasters who have been delinquent in their moral duty?
A: Of course. They're my competitors.
Q: Are you ready to be hooked up to sensors and shown a poster of Cameron Diaz?
A: Cameron, yes. Jason, no.
Q: The witness is consigned to a boiling pit of snakes.
A: For how long?
Q: Until we squeeze out every photon of pleasure.
A: From whom?
Q: From everybody.
JON RAPPOPORT www.nomorefakenews.com
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