Politically Correct Fairy Tales

Are you sick and tired of those "conservative" fairy tales? Are you an American liberal or someone from Europe who thinks those fairy tales teach values that no longer need to be promoted in today's world? Well, BKW is coming to your rescue with our book of "Politically Correct Fairy Tales!"

Hansel and Gretel were lost in the woods when they came upon a house made of candy and cake. An old witch invited them in and then captured both of them intending to eat them. Gretel had a chance save both of them by pushing the old woman in an oven but she decided that it would be wrong not to respect the witch's cultural traditions. So Gretel and her brother allowed themselves to be cooked and eaten. The witch was so happy with the children's actions that she invited all of her witch friends to the area. Soon thereafter, they ate every child in a hundred mile radius. Soon the whole area was filled with nothing but child eating witches and all the witches were very happy!

The Moral of the Story: You must respect the culture of others, even at your own expense!

An old man finds a fish. The fish says "Let me go, old man. I will reward you for my freedom by giving you anything you desire". The old man at the behest of his wife makes wish after wish. Finally, the fish decides the old man and his wife are being too greedy and takes everything he gave them away. Then the man and his wife hire Johnny Cochran and sue the federal government for not having federal regulations in place to prevent wishing fish from unfairly taking away previously given magical spoils. The judge ruled in their favor and they were both given 500 million dollars worth of taxpayer funds with which they lived happily ever after.

The Moral of the Story: It's the federal government's responsibility to fix every bad thing that happens in the world.

The first and second billy goat gruffs were stopped from going across a bridge to get food by a troll. Then the biggest and baddest billy goat gruff showed up. He told the troll he was going to kick his @ss. That greatly upset the first and second of the billy goats gruff who accused the third billy goat gruff of "hegemony" and "imperialism" and said that negotiation was the way to go. So the third billy goat gruff went away. Unfortunately, the troll refused to negotiate and first two billy goats gruff starved to death.

There were once three little pigs. The first little pig built his house out of straw. But the big bad wolf easily knocked it down. Then he ran to the 2nd pig's house which was made out of sticks. But the wolf came there and knocked it down too. Then both pigs ran to the American pig's house which was made out brick. When the wolf came there, the American pig pulled out a gun and blew his stinking head off. Afterwards, both little pigs who lost their houses started building their houses out of straw again. When the American pigs asked them why they accused the Americans of being "arrogant jerks" and of "acting unilaterally". But they secretly knew the Americans would always save them, just like they did in WW1 and WW2 so they could afford not to be prepared.

The Moral of the Story: Even though Americans are helpful, they're real creeps!

All summer long the ants worked and prepared for the winter while the grasshopper went to Rage Against the Machine concerts and played Nintendo. The grasshopper laughed and laughed at the ants for working so hard. Then winter came. The ants had plenty of food and shelter while the grasshopper had none. So the government took the ants tax money and built the grasshopper a house, gave him welfare cheese to eat, and paid for courses at the local university that the grasshopper didn't bother to go to. When the ants complained everyone agreed that they were greedy rich jerks for having more than the grasshopper.

The Moral of the Story: Taking money from people who work hard and giving it to the lazy is compassionate!

A web classic, the modern version of the ant and the grasshopper.

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. "America" is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything in their power for the grasshopper, who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers or, as Bill refers to that period, as the "Temperatures of the 80's."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Ant Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of "Green" bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant. The case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients who can only hear cases on Thursdays between 1:30 and 3:00 p.m. when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him due to neglect. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful, neighborhood.

The three little pigs.

Another version.

The pig with the house of wood, thought the Big Bad Wolf, using up all its resources, and then buying recourses from the American pig who was happy to take the money.

A year later the wolf turned on to Bear country, where after initial successes it started to lose, meanwhile the American Pig fat and happy after milking the wooden house pig of a lot of his foreign possessions was attacked by the little yellow dwarfs, the wolf promptly declared war on the American pig.

The American pig was forced to join the war, his help was gladly welcomed although the Wolf was almost already on his knees from the battering given it by the Bears, and the wooden house pig.

The Wolf was finally beaten, and everyone settled down ready to fight a new war this time the Pigs and the Wolfs, once again on the two little pigs land.

Moral of the story, what mo0ral this aint no cr***y American sitcom with a sugery coated sickly moral in every scene.

Cheers Tony

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