[SATIRE] Americans Dismayed as Pope Remains Catholic [SATIRE]

According to a poll just released by Gallup, a growing number of Americans are becoming disenchanted with the Catholic flavor of Pope Benedict the XVI's papacy.

"It seems that America was looking for someone who could bring the church together and move it towards the center on issues like birth control and women in the priesthood," reported Gallup's Howie Niedigger, "but this Pope has continued to defy public opinion and appears to be solidly Catholic.

"You might remember the polling done shortly after the former Pope's death that reported that 78% of all American Catholics thought the new Pope should change the church's teaching about birth control," Niedigger added. "Well, it's as if nobody ever took those polls at all. I mean, Americans said such nice things about Pope John Paul II when he died and then the Vatican turns around and picks a pope that's just like him - only more so and with even less tolerance. How's that for gratitude?!"

Some disillusioned Americans have formed groups such as Los Angeles' Catholic People for the American Status Quo (CPFTASQ) to explore what options are available to influence their Church.

"A lot of Americans are upset that the Vatican ignored American religious sensibilities by making Cardinal Ratzinger Pope," noted CPFTASQ spokesperson Dina Horn. "Someone like Oprah or maybe Hillary Clinton would have been a great choice. "Instead we got a Pope who was "selected and not elected" and who will probably keep the church faithful to its almost-2000-year-old ideals in spite of America's wishes.

"At first people were willing to give Benedict the benefit of the doubt," Horn continued. "But feelings have soured as the cold hard reality has set in that the church's position on hot button topics like abortion and stem cell research will not change to suit America's beliefs."

Horn predicted that if Benedict XVI "keeps this" that the Roman Catholic Church will "suffer greatly" as Americans vote with their feet and pocket books.

"It's not hard to envision an America where parents allow their children to stop attending Mass even before confirmation and America's Catholic leaders such as Ted Kennedy and John Kerry will stop pandering to the masses by playing on their religious affiliations - just as their Protestant counterparts have done for generations."

"The Catholic Church remains committed to reaching out to Americans," Law said. "And we are doing everything that we can to Americanize Catholicism as quickly as possible. We're even asking EWTV to start adding more Prosperity Gospel Masses and limit talking about suffering and discipleship to after 9 p.m. on weekdays and 11 p.m. on weekends to protect children from some of the more traditional teachings of our Church.

"I assure you we are taking this seriously and that is why I am pleased to announce that we have started a campaign to ask the Vatican to name patron saints for both Texas Hold 'Em, and Christian pop groups who release worship albums!"

Representatives for Pope Benedict XVI's office would not respond to requests for interviews, instead choosing to fire the editors of three additional mainstream Catholic magazines and silencing all priests in Sub-Saharan Africa.

THIS IS SATIRE. HUMOR.

You all remember "laughing" - that thing that you used to do, in response to watching "Gilligan's Island", before you became a Christian? Laughter is what your pastor is trying to provoke in you, when he tells those bad jokes at the beginning of his sermon. Right before "putting His enemies under his feet" (Psalm 110), IMO "getting Christians to laugh" must be the second-to-the-last thing that Christ will accomplish before the Second Coming.

In Ecclesiastes 2:2, the author complains that laughter is "madness", asking "what does it accomplish?"

Psalm 2:4 tells us that God, in heaven, laughs and scoffs at the kings of this earth "in derision".

Psalm 37:13 says the Lord laughs at the wicked, for "their day is coming".

But for the faithful, Genesis 21:6 tells us that laughter is an appropriate response to God's blessings, Job 8:21 promises laughter for those afflicted by Satan, and Psalm 126:2 says laughter is a sign to unbelieving nations that God has done great things for us.

As Christians, we should learn to laugh more.

That said, why do I include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you not to take this seriously? Recently, a poster claimed that every one of my posts "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. While I'm appreciative of the compliment, I can't exactly brag about my I.Q. (I know at least four current- and former-FReepers who have I.Q.s from twenty to fifty points HIGHER than mine, so what bragging rights does that leave me?). Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance, telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous. This is needed, apparently, to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting yourself in the process. If it makes you feel any better, please know that I give you all more credit than that, but others don't. They thought that you looked stupid on my earlier threads, and that you needed these warning labels.

Mel Brooks (not a Christian) once defined laughter in this way: "Tragedy is me cutting my finger. Comedy is you getting eaten by a tiger." Take that for what it's worth.

THIS IS A HAIR PLUG

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This should never happen to anybody. Don't let this happen to you! Join the pinglist now!

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I know someone (real person, has a name, I'm NOT making this up) who went into mourning, LITERALLY, for a couple of days after Cdl. Ratzinger was elected Pope. When the election was announced, she ran to her office, slammed the door, and apparently spent the next couple of hours crying her eyes out.

The evening of that same day, my Pastor offered Mass in thanksgiving ... when reciting the Canon, he got this huge ear-to-ear grin as the prayed for "Benedict, our Pope" ...

I liked Pope John Paul II a lot, but I like Pope Benedict XVI so much more. He is certainly one of my heroes. I was actually FReeping in class when he was elected, and I nearly had tears of joy when I found out that he was chosen. I received a Papal blessing from him a few months ago for obtaining my 4th Degree in the Knights of Columbus.May God grant him many more years to stamp out the heretics and liberals from the Church!

As for that lady you know, you should give her a good, stiff smack to the head.

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