[SATIRE] From the Welcoming Committee at an Unnamed [SATIRE] Seeker-Friendly [SATIRE] Church...

We were very glad to see your face in our congregation this past Sunday morning, and we hope you will return next Sunday to worship with us again. We would like to take this opportunity to provide some useful tips and instructions to enhance the worship service experience for everyone:

- Traditional hymns are introduced with a simple organ chord in the appropriate key. Shouting "One! Two! Three! Four!" (or its equivalent in any foreign language) is neither required nor encouraged.

- We offer open communion to all who wish to partake. When communion is offered by intinction, please dip only the bread provided for this purpose. No provision has been made for "seconds," so please eat a proper breakfast before attending services.

- While our minister considers himself to be "in tune" with the "modern world," it is not appropriate to ask him how "it" is "hanging."

- It is generally considered inefficient and impolite to "make change" from the offering plate.

- Our pew cushions are indeed very comfortable, but are designed for use in an upright, seated position.

- During the Time of Prayer, bow your head respectfully; if you cannot pray or do not know how, at least be quiet. You'll have plenty of company.

THIS IS SATIRE. HUMOR.

You all remember "laughing" - that thing that you used to do, in response to watching "Gilligan's Island", before you became a Christian? Laughter is what your pastor is trying to provoke in you, when he tells those bad jokes at the beginning of his sermon. Right before "putting His enemies under his feet" (Psalm 110), IMO "getting Christians to laugh" must be the second-to-the-last thing that Christ will accomplish before the Second Coming.

In Ecclesiastes 2:2, the author complains that laughter is "madness", asking "what does it accomplish?"

Psalm 2:4 tells us that God, in heaven, laughs and scoffs at the kings of this earth "in derision".

Psalm 37:13 says the Lord laughs at the wicked, for "their day is coming".

But for the faithful, Genesis 21:6 tells us that laughter is an appropriate response to God's blessings, Job 8:21 promises laughter for those afflicted by Satan, and Psalm 126:2 says laughter is a sign to unbelieving nations that God has done great things for us.

As Christians, we should learn to laugh more.

That said, why do I include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you not to take this seriously? Recently, a poster claimed that every one of my posts "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. While I'm appreciative of the compliment, I can't exactly brag about my I.Q. (I know at least four current- and former-FReepers who have I.Q.s from twenty to fifty points HIGHER than mine, so what bragging rights does that leave me?). Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance, telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous. This is needed, apparently, to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting yourself in the process. If it makes you feel any better, please know that I give you all more credit than that, but others don't. They thought that you looked stupid on my earlier threads, and that you needed these warning labels.

Mel Brooks (not a Christian) once defined laughter in this way: "Tragedy is me cutting my finger. Comedy is you getting eaten by a tiger." Take that for what it's worth.

THIS IS A HAIR PLUG

Oh, praise the Lord! Free Republic has a new ping list! And YOU can join it now! FReepmail me if you want to be added to The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club!

This should never happen to anybody. Don't let this happen to you! Join the pinglist now!

So what are YOU waiting for? Join The Free Republic PTL Ping List and HAIR Club TODAY! FReepmail me for details!

PTL=Pardon The Laughing
HAIR=Hilariously Ablutionary Irreverent Reading

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