[SATIRE] Missions trip defectors stun churches [SATIRE]

WICHITA - Wayne Bardwell took his first trip outside Kansas with Grace Chapel's short-term missions team to Mexico, to build a Christian school.

"Viva la raza, good buddy!" the former church elder says when reached on his new satellite phone. "No sir, I am here for good. I have found my place in the world."

In a quiet trend, dozens of churches have lost members to sudden defections during missions trips. The lure of carefree living, dirt-cheap costs and an exotic locale prove seductive even for stable church-goers.

Open Bible Church in Grand Island, Neb., recently shut its doors when three-quarters of its missions team remained in Puerto Rico to party with locals. And a women's group from a church in Seattle disappeared in Brazil and are rumored to be enjoying Sao Paulo's nightlife without the bother of husbands and kids.

"We have suspended our short-term missions program" until the wave of defections dies down, says one Midwestern pastor.

Many defectors do as Bardwell did: tap their home equity lines and retirement accounts.

With satellite phones and the Internet, the separation isn't too bad, he says. He talks daily with his family by Internet video-conference, and hopes his wife and kids will join him.

"He gives us tours of his cabana by video-phone," says his son, 16. "He usually sits in the hammock, with the computer on his stomach."

The people of Grace Chapel pray for Bardwell's return. The church designated Bardwell their "missionary contact in Mexico," to put a positive spin on the snafu.

His wife reminds him every day that there's a cheeseburger casserole waiting for him in the oven. "If that doesn't work, nothing will," she says.

THIS IS SATIRE. HUMOR.

You all remember "laughing" - that thing that you used to do, in response to watching "Gilligan's Island", before you became a Christian? Laughter is what your pastor is trying to provoke in you, when he tells those bad jokes at the beginning of his sermon. Right before "putting His enemies under his feet" (Psalm 110), IMO "getting Christians to laugh" must be the second-to-the-last thing that Christ will accomplish before the Second Coming.

In Ecclesiasties 2:2, the author complains that laughter is "madness", asking "what does it accomplish?" Psalm 2:4 tells us that God, in heaven, laughs and scoffs at the kings of this earth "in derision". Psalm 37:13 says the Lord laughs at the wicked, for "their day is coming". But for the faithful, Genesis 21:6 tells us that laughter is an appropriate response to God's blessings, Job 8:21 promises laughter for those afflicted by Satan, and Psalm 126:2 says laughter is a sign to unbelieving nations that God has done great things for us. As Christians, we should learn to laugh more.

That said, why do I include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you not to take this seriously? Recently, a poster claimed that every one of my posts "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. While I'm appreciative of the compliment, I can't exactly brag about my I.Q. (I know at least four current- and former-FReepers who have I.Q.s from twenty to fifty points HIGHER than mine, so what bragging rights does that leave me?). Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance , telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous. This is needed, apparently, to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting yourself in the process. If it makes you feel any better, please know that I give you all more credit than that, but others don't. They thought that you looked stupid on my earlier threads, and that you needed these warning labels.

Mel Brooks (not a Christian) once defined laughter in this way: "Tragedy is me cutting my finger. Comedy is you getting eaten by a tiger." Take that for what it's worth.

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