I’m a firm believer in the two-parent home and wish all women could stay home and raise the kids. Still, I struggle with why modern women choose to marry or stay with physically abusive men that beat them and/or their kids. Maybe they should take longer to get to know these men before marriage and avoid the whole situation. I know abusive women too. It’s not all on the men. Abusive people are not spouse material regardless of the time in history. Get to know the people you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Nobody gets killed that way. I knew my husband six years before we got married.
I agree, when the person is an honest and decent person instead of a lying abuser getting to know them will work.
The problem with abusive men is that, unless they’re very stupid (and sometimes when they are), they hide their true colors early in the relationship and are very charming and seemingly kind, considerate, and thoughtful. They can play this part for years if necessary.
Many of these abusive types look for a woman who will be devoted to being married (or to the relationship) and will be unlikely to leave, such as a devoted Christian woman who is against divorce.
The woman’s being fatherless or having a father or parents who do not support the woman is a bonus for the abuser because he knows that eventually it will be very hard for her to get away.
These creeps charm the woman early on and then begin the abuse slowly, especially after marriage or after having children together.
(One of the first things these abusers do is separate their partner from her support system. This will eventually leave the woman isolated and alone. This is why it’s important to stay in touch with the person who is abused even if it’s annoying and tests a person’s patience because if she does decide to get away she will need support.)
Initially, abusers are oh so sorry about that slap or push and make up with flowers and more charm in order to keep the woman thinking that it won’t happen again and he really cares about her and that things will work out.
As more children are born into the household it becomes more and more difficult for the woman to leave and the abuse ramps up.
When the woman threatens or tries to leave the abuser pursues her and begs her to stay, telling her how he loves her with promises to change and even with threats of suicide. He just can’t live without her.
How can this woman hurt him so badly and possibly leave her children without a father? She has been purposefully placed into the position of making a very tough decision after being isolated from any support system she had in the past and also after being beaten down emotionally.
If she does actually leave and he thinks she means it he is extremely dangerous because the whole thing is really about control and often he will do anything to keep his control over her, including killing her.
This is a classic cycle. I’ve seen seen it thousands of times because for years I worked exclusively with victims of domestic violence.
(Yes, there are exceptions and of course the abuser isn’t always a man and the abused person isn’t always a woman.)
The best armor against domestic abuse is having good, strong fathers who love their daughters.