Purple Grass Is Not Green

The Right Stuff ^ | 04/01/09 | The Right Stuff

[catnipman]

***NEWS FLASH ***

"Only Gravel is Truly Green"

Washington(AP) -- In yet another Orwellian announcement today, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs laid out the Obama Administration’s latest “green” proposal, namely, that grass lawns are no longer considered “green”. Gibbs emphasized that grass lawns consume enormous quantities of water, fertilizer, herbicides, and pesticides, with the latter three products being produced from carbon-based fossil fuels.

When asked if this means that green grass is no longer “green”, Gibbs reluctantly acknowledged that, “Yes, green is no longer green.”  However, Gibbs pointed out that government scientists were working really really hard to create purple grass, and that as soon as it was available, the government would require all existing grass to be replaced with the new purple grass so people wouldn’t be confused about grass not being green. In the mean time, Gibbs encouraged everyone to paint their green grass purple.

Gibbs said that once all green grass had been replaced with purple grass, the government could then assail purple grass as not being “green”, thus setting the stage to outlaw purple grass. Gibbs said that purple grass consumes just as many resources as green grass, and therefore has to be outlawed too. “Gravel that is painted green should do just as well for most people, and is almost maintenance free”, Gibbs remarked helpfully. “After all, most people don’t use their lawns for very much. They mostly just look at them, and really, the main purpose of a lawn is just to occupy space between your house and your neighbors’ houses anyway”, noted Gibbs. Our new slogan, Gibbs added, is “Only gravel is truly green!”. Also, to help with the national crisis of mountains of accumulated used tires, Gibbs encouraged everyone to ring their gravel lawns with half-buried used tires and to paint them white to disguise the fact that they’re half-buried used tires.

However, one government-controlled communal park with real grass will be allowed in each city for those few people left who wish to walk barefooted on the grass and feel it between their toes, or who just want to play a game of badminton.

Critics responded that when grass is outlawed, only outlaws will have grass.

                AP Staff Writer Cat Nipman

                    Complete article located here.

[bobzeetwin]

Go green, be brown? Will we call it the tough putt on the 18th brown?

[guitarplayer1953]

So now I take it that they will do away with the national parks and quite cutting the lawns and trimming the shrubs fire all the govm’t workers? Na didn't think so.

[BipolarBob]

Grass is not really green. It just looks that way because of the color.

[lightman]

I don’t normally care for this sort of humor, but this one is too good NOT to share:

God and lawns
(An amusing story of unknown authorship that would perhaps be even funnier if it weren’t so heartbreakingly true.)

GOD: “St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.”

ST. FRANCIS: “It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.”

GOD: “Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?”

ST. FRANCIS: “Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.”

GOD: “The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.”

ST. FRANCIS: “Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.”

GOD: “They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?”

ST. FRANCIS: “Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.”

GOD: “They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?”

ST. FRANCIS: “No, sir — just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.”

GOD: “Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?”

ST. FRANCIS: “Yes, sir.”

GOD: “These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.”

ST. FRANCIS: “You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.”

GOD: “What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.”

ST. FRANCIS: “You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.”

GOD: “No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?”

ST. FRANCIS: “After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.”

GOD: “And where do they get this mulch?”

ST. FRANCIS: “They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.”

GOD: “Enough! I don’t want to think about this any more. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?”

ST. CATHERINE: “Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a real stupid movie about ...”

GOD: “Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.”

[Cyber Ninja]

Noooooo, not mah lawn!

He'z gone too far, I tell you what.

[P-Marlowe]

This is almost believable.

[oyez]

Bermuda grass = Bad.

Crabgrass = Good.

War on crabgrass has been downsized, as the administration believes that spraying laws with ASA compounds only leads to the more militant crabgrass while offending moderate crabgrass..

[FlingWingFlyer]

Gibbs has rapidly become America’s number one standup comic. What a clown. When he got the job, the “media” scumbags said that he was their best and brightest. Yikes.

[Redbob]

Youtube has become my Comedy Channel of choice, so I can get my daily fix of Gibbs’ hilariously moronic statements.

[goodnesswins]

I thought this was SATIRE???!!!!

[FlingWingFlyer]

I can’t tell anymore in the Era of Obama. It’s getting very difficult to stay in touch with reality these days. It’s almost as though someone has slipped something in everybody’s Budweiser.

[HiTech RedNeck]

How about a yard full of purple cabbage.

[catnipman]

Sorry. It's no longer the “war on crabgrass” but “under-tree contingency operation” And we don't call it “crabgrass” anymore because “crab” has such a negative connotation; it's now called “crustaceangrass”.

Remember people, 1984 has finally arrived, it's just that it's 24 years late. I guess Orwell was just a bit ahead of the times. Fortunately, I'm not scared of rats. At any rate, welcome to Newspeak, doublespeak, and doublethink.