I expanded your Q&A -- they are too good not to be preserved for posterity!!
dfu, you rock!
Q: Would love to mastermind this deal for you, but I'm a bit of a vigilante and sometimes play blues, man! So you'd have to put up with my clowning around cause I have no life! I even have a friend who could teach you how to do the shag! Some of my friends think I'm a diva, but really I'm just a PWN3D attention whore! If you want me to play bad santa for you and try to up the bidding, just let me know!!
Jun-20-06
A: No bad santa necessary. I might be interested in the music deal but I have had a bad experience in the past with someone who has had a year and a half and still not performed.
Q: I'll trade you for a double-wide trailer with a recording studio in the dining room and as many shots of vodka as you like. I'll even hook you up with a recording contract. If interested, you know where to find me!!
Jun-20-06
A: I will seriously consider the offer.
Q: I am concerned that the local government will declare this a historical site, and I would lose all rights to eminent domain (if I had any at all) and fixer-upper rights like erecting a 100 foot statue of George Bush stomping the hell out of this now spider hole. What rights do I have to improve the decor of the place ?
Jun-20-06
A: Of course I can make no warranties, especially if dipwad Justice Souter is involved in an eminent domain case. If they want to make it an historical site, as it should be, all may not be lost. Make sure you negotiate the concession rights. That could be very lucrative.
Q: Are you the same person who sold the Spider Hole in Iraq? And is it true that the purchaser was one William Jefferson Clinton, for his own personal use when his bride is not pleased with his behavior??
Jun-19-06
A: I'm not the guy. Did that really happen? The impeached and disgraced William Jefferson Clinton doesn't need a spider hole when Satan's daughter is not pleased with him. He has many places to hide and many young women to whom he can minister, if you know what I mean. Satan's daughter doesn't really care about his behavior unless it affects her poll numbers. And as he commented to Gennifer Flowers, she gets more than him.
Q: Do you think there is enough amonium nitrate in the soil to support corn farming? I want to grow my own pig feed.
Jun-19-06
A: I suppose there is. To grow pig feed may do one of two things for you. You may become an outcast and lose your head or you may corner a new market. I can just hear them. Allah akhbar, but give me that sound of sizzling bacon during morning prayers.
Q: Has the property had an inspection by licensed local pest control? I'm not a fan of snakes, scorpions or spiders.
Jun-19-06
A: I guess you could call the guys in the F-16Cs the pest control guys. They got all the snakes, scorpions, and spiders as well as the cockroaches wearing the bedsheets on their bodies and towels on their heads.
Q: I heard Murtha's number was on speed dial - any chance the phone is available?
Jun-19-06
A: I heard the same thing. Although one scumbag's phone was destroyed, the other scumbag's is still available. We should check Murtha's.
Q: What I want to know is whether when he tried to get up and escape off the guerney, if the ones guarding him went ahead and offed him. I would hope so!
Jun-19-06
A: I think that he just died on the gurney. Like Tookie Williams, it was is final journey on the gurney. What was really sweet revenge is that he did not die instantly. The murdering swine was surrounded by the good guys when he died. We got him. He didn't even get to detonate a suicide belt. Our weapons kick butt, don't they?
Q: How much are the homeowner dues? You neglect to mention that!
Jun-19-06
A: I apologize for neglecting that. At one time, there was a small homeowner's association that included about 10 owners. The association took care of property taxes, fence maintenance, insurance, roofs, and water bills. Unfortunately, al-Zarqawi caught the association president, Abdul Marwan, overcharging for water bills. The Z-man was willing to overlook that, but when he caught Marwan with one of his girl friends, that was all she wrote. Always the prankster, al-Zarqawi separated him from his head, which was tastefully displayed the next morning at the top of one of the date palms as if it were a coconut. The village was laughing about that for weeks. By the way, when they saw the head, the entire board of directors of the association resigned. So, no more association about which to worry. I understand that some people in the United States have heard about this incident and are thinking they might have a solution for the power-mad jerks who run their homeowner associations.
Q: This looks like great vacation property, lots of sun and sand. Could you tell me anything about the nightlife?
Jun-19-06
A: I had to send an email inquiry to a Marine to get your answer. He was online in Baghdad and replied very quickly. It seems that, for night time entertainment, the men in the village of Hibhib mount camels. No, no, it's not what you think. Well, at least most of the time. The men mount camels on weekends and make the trek 35 miles away to Baghdad. There they cruise down Cheney Avenue (formerly known as Uday Avenue) looking for young women showing a little skin above the ankles. It is also very desirable to them if the women have shaved their facial hair. If they find a hot one, they take her to the hotel on Rice Blvd (formerly Qusay Blvd) to enjoy drinks, watch re-runs of American Idol, and get to know her a little better. The women in the village of Hibhib stay home to care for the goats, play scrabble, and watch al-Jazeera TV on the community television. They get particularly excited and give that loud shrieking lalalalalalalalalala sound we so love when they see Ted Kennedy or Nancy Pelosi. When they see Ted, they make splashing and drowing gestures. For Nancy, they laugh and stretch their skin. I am told that it is really hilarious to watch the women having so much fun.
Q: What kind of palm trees are those and are the root balls still intact? The United States military ought to be commended for the seemingly minimal damage inflicted upon the property's native plant life.
Jun-18-06
A: Those are date palms, and your eye is pretty good. The root balls do indeed appear to be intact. I have heard rumors but the Pentagon spokesman would not discuss it with it. We may have a special JDAM that protects the environment while still pulverizing the Islamofascist scumbags. Some people suspect that the weapon was designed at Lawrence Livermore labs. We can expect Algore to soon take credit for inventing it, Kerry to being for it before he was against it, Pelosi recommending that the weapon's skin be stretched, Ted Kennedy wanting to test it underwater, and Michael Moore wanting to eat it.
Q: I heard he had a wooden leg. Was it found in the rubble? I may be able to clean it up and make a few bucks off of it.
Jun-18-06
A: I did not know about the wooden leg. If that is the case, it's mine. I would have one of those Mohammed cartoons carved into it and then make a lamp out of it like Darren McGavin did in THE CHRISTMAS STORY.
Q: Are caches on the property included in this price or will that be a separate deal?
Jun-18-06
A: I will reserve nothing except any signed photos or greeting cards from Democrats wishing al-Zarqawi well. I hope those weren't all destroyed because they could really help in November. Certainly, there would have been corespondence from Kerry, Kennedy (the killer who drives into the water, not the one who drives into concrete), Murtha, the little weasel Kucinich, Turbin Durbin, Pelosi, and all of the Black Caucus.
Q: I was thinking this might be a good site for a public restroom. Or...I know! A BBQ joint! I've got a great recepie for pork BBQ. What do you think?
Jun-18-06
A: Although I am a vegetarian (yes, a bearded, Birkenstock-wearing, Democrat-mocking vegetarian), I don't try to force what works for me onto others. If popular demand is for a BBQ, I think that is fine.
Q: Are burkas found there included in the price?
Jun-17-06
A: Well, I was going to have a yard sale for the burqas and the women's underwear they found, but what the heck, I can add any interest I may or may not have in any personal property there. Although CNN and al-Jazeera (which are very much the same network these days) did not report it, I am pretty sure they found Farmer John bacon and honey-glazed ham in what was left of the refrigerator.
