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Canada: Not as boring as you think - Paul Whitney
Mon, June 13, 2005 
The other day I read another newspaper story about how boring Canadians are - that Canadian society has taken all the rough edges off life and Canadians are dull, boring and unadventurous. As a proud, thrill-seeking Canadian, I immediately protested this accusation in a firm but polite manner and was about to organize an unbiased committee to discuss these claims in a non-confrontational, non-gender-specific and unbiased, manner. In spite of that, here's my opinion. There is plenty of adventure to be found within Canadian borders, as long as one is willing to accept a revised definition of adventure. In fact, you don't have to go farther than your telephone. Dial any business organization that has a 1-800 number. It will get your blood pumping within seconds. Once you have chosen your language preference, you will be served a menu of topics that will make you giddy. Press any button on the phone and again select the language of your choice. You can speak to your service person in any language as long as it's French or English. You will be offered these exciting choices every time you push a button. You will also be reminded that your call may be monitored for quality control. If that isn't exciting enough, you will start praying for someone to monitor your call just so they can experience the fun and adventure you are having. If you are looking for an island adventure, go to a gas station and try to use the self-serve pumps on the outside island. Try using the pump. It will not work. It will just beep. Try the intercom. It will say "Garblegarblegarble." This means you must pay first. Go inside to pay - it will be like a trip to any number of popular adventure destinations. Stand in the queue with a brave but cheerfully resigned expression, and take out your wallet. Go back out to the pump and pump. Overflow gas onto shoe. Go back inside for receipt. Notice how much fun you are having. You don't need to go to Tuktoyaktuk to have an educational Arctic adventure. Go to the freezer compartment of your fridge and try to identify the items contained within. You will find little plastic bags containing things that could easily come from the land of the midnight sun. Don't forget that a seven-month-old frozen chicken looks and tastes a lot like Arctic ptarmigan. If you want to experience the effects of global warming just turn the temperature control dial to defrost. If you would like to learn foreign languages, go to your nearest fast-food drive-through and try to order something. When the order person starts talking, you will feel like you have been transported to a foreign land. Plus, those little speakers they talk through seem to translate whatever is being said into an exotic language. I think this is how Esperanto was invented. It is important to note that "Can I supersize that?" is a universal phrase, except when describing Sumo wrestlers. Are you looking for exotic shopping adventures that will rival any dusty, hot, winding narrow-streeted bazaar? Try attending a weekend garage sale in Mill Woods. First of all you will be as lost as any cruise ship passenger in Jakarta. Second, you will quickly realize that although the locals seem friendly, they believe you are from Calgary and will gouge you like crazy. Third, it will cost you at least 50 bucks to get honest directions back to the city. Before taking your adventure, don't forget the most important thing to put in your wallet. Canada. Don't leave home without it. |
