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French Python hits London stage (Repent! The Apocolypse is at hand!)
Reuters ^ | Fri, Jan 28, 2005

Posted on 01/28/2005 5:55:37 AM PST by presidio9

If nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, then how about Monty Python's surreal humour brought to a London stage, in French, with English surtitles?

That is exactly what a French troupe has done in the first and only authorised stage version of the television series that earned Monty Python international cult status.

"It is like we have been adopted as knights of Camelot," said producer Remy Renoux, referring to "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" in which French soldiers taunt King Arthur and his companions with insults like "Your mother was a hamster!"

"If Python fans are a little anxious they should be reassured by the fact that the fathers of the series have adopted this version," he added.

Two of the original Pythons, Michael Palin and Terry Gilliam, approved of the hit show after seeing it in Paris and the rest of the ensemble have since given it their blessing.

"Frankly, it's better than we could do at the time. The text? Obviously inferior! The actors? Better than we were," decreed Gilliam when he saw the Paris performance.

The show, at London's Riverside Studios until February 19, features 25 sketches, including some of the most famous.

"The Dead Parrot" becomes "Le Perroquet Mort" and "The Ministry of Silly Walks" is renamed "Le Ministere des Marches Ridicules".

Renoux said that a surprising number of routines could be translated into French, despite the widespread perception that Monty Python is quintessentially English.

"The thing that is easy about Monty Python and the sense of humour they developed is that the French audience is used to surrealism and absurdity," he said.

"But there is a question of choice as well. A few sketches are not appropriate and some are so British, like the ones about the Queen."

TOPICS: Culture/Society; Extended News
KEYWORDS: africanoreuropean; amoosebitmysister; anarchosyndicalism; andnowthelarch; beautifulplumage; biggusdickus; bringoutyourdead; centuwion; crunchyfrog; englishkaniggets; exparrot; glavin; itswafferthin; judeanpeoplesfront; leperroquetmort; lovelyplumage; montypython; norwegianblue; peoplesfrontofjudea; romaneseuntdomus; spotthelooney; surrendermonkeys; thenuttyprofessor; thesalmonmousse; vocativeplural

1 posted on 01/28/2005 5:55:37 AM PST by presidio9
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To: presidio9

I would have thought the French would have come out with a stage version of "The Nutty Professor" or "The Disorderly Orderly" first.

2 posted on 01/28/2005 6:00:09 AM PST by speedy
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To: presidio9


Start a new day, learn a new word!

3 posted on 01/28/2005 6:00:14 AM PST by Redbob
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To: speedy

4 posted on 01/28/2005 6:03:55 AM PST by presidio9 (Islam is as Islam does)
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To: presidio9

Hey, that is a great ad -- "since Dracula invented Bloody Marys" -- better than the movie itself. Thanks for posting!! (You don't have anything for "The Errand Boy" or "The Patsy" do you?)

5 posted on 01/28/2005 6:12:06 AM PST by speedy
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To: presidio9

Know what I mean, eh? Know what I mean? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

6 posted on 01/28/2005 6:12:37 AM PST by txzman (Jer 23:29)
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To: presidio9
"The thing that is easy about Monty Python and the sense of humour they developed is that the French audience is used to surrealism and absurdity," he said.

One only needs to look at their political system to know that.

7 posted on 01/28/2005 6:14:31 AM PST by Reaganesque
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To: Redbob

From the root wood, "surly", no doubt. It fits!

8 posted on 01/28/2005 6:25:04 AM PST by 50sDad ( ST3d - Star Trek Tri-D Chess!
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To: presidio9

I hear the actors have the smell of elder berries.

9 posted on 01/28/2005 6:25:10 AM PST by reagandemo (The battle is near are you ready for the sacrifice?)
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To: reagandemo


10 posted on 01/28/2005 6:35:52 AM PST by presidio9 (Islam is as Islam does)
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To: reagandemo

No doubt they do the Lumberjack song. Naturally.

11 posted on 01/28/2005 6:38:11 AM PST by datura (Destroy The UN, the MSM, and China. The rest will fall into line once we get rid of these.)
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To: txzman

Are you looking for an argument?

12 posted on 01/28/2005 6:40:02 AM PST by Joe 6-pack
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To: presidio9

Why would you need subtitles?

13 posted on 01/28/2005 6:43:01 AM PST by js1138
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To: presidio9

In fairness, I don't think it's quite the end of the world. If the Pythons gave their blessing, it can't be that bad. Afterall, Hollywood has been butchering British shows for years.

14 posted on 01/28/2005 6:43:06 AM PST by ABG(anybody but Gore) ("Oh no, not Hans Brix!")
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To: presidio9

15 posted on 01/28/2005 6:47:03 AM PST by bmwcyle (Washington DC RINO Hunting Guide)
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To: bmwcyle

A customer enters a pet shop.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.


Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!


Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.


Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.


Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.


Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

16 posted on 01/28/2005 6:50:01 AM PST by presidio9 (Islam is as Islam does)
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To: presidio9

So you don't have any cheese?

17 posted on 01/28/2005 7:11:22 AM PST by bmwcyle (Washington DC RINO Hunting Guide)
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To: presidio9

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have
ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your
lord and master.
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're
bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?


Scene 2

MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
MORTICIAN: He isn't.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.
MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost
nine today.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
CUSTOMER: I don't know.
MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.


Scene 3

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old woman!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the
behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an
ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to our outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our
society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how
d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the
Britons. Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an
autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We
take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the
DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the
purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of
the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to
carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing
swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive
power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here
that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing
me, you saw it didn't you?


Scene 4

[battle sounds]
[Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-crap-knight]
ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to
join me in my Court of Camelot.
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
[Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!
Come on then.
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
your legs off!


Scene 5

CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of
BEDEVERE: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch!
BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales!
BEDEVERE: Right, remove the supports!
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEVERE: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR: What is your name?
BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my leige.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.
[Narrative Interlude]
NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King
Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the
Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of
Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon
Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together
they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold
throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.


Scene 6

BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again
how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege!
ARTHUR: Camelot!
GALAHAD: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model.
ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let
us ride... to Camelot.
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and parlour scenes
With footwork impecc-Able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Oh many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We not so fat in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we [something]
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a bit too loud in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.
ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
a silly place.


Scene 7

GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
ARTHUR: Sorry--
GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone
it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What
are you doing now!?
ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so
depressing. Now knock it off!
ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- you're Knights of the
Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark
ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek
this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the
Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: A blessing!
LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD: God be praised!


Scene 8

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
Table. Who's castle is this?
GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guido Wommer!
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for
the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very
keen... Uh, he's already got one, you see?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one)
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent,
you silly king!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your
castle by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you,
so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets.
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed
animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! You
mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than
GUARD: (Fetch-e la vache.) wha?
GUARD: (Fetch-e la vache!)
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
ALL: Run away!
GUARD: Thpppt!
[ after running away...]
LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR: No no, no.
BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do wha? un codoo?
a present! oh, un codoo. oui oui hurry! wha-? let's
[rumble rumble squeak]
ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until
nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by
surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
BEDEVERE: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the
rabbit, uh and uh....
ARTHUR: Oh....
BEDEVERE: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.

18 posted on 01/28/2005 7:16:28 AM PST by Conservatrix ("He's a barf." --- Sophia T., Age 4, on John Sawed-Off Baldrick "I have a cunning plan" Kerry)
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To: bmwcyle

We don't get much call for cheddar around these parts sir.

19 posted on 01/28/2005 7:16:46 AM PST by presidio9 (Islam is as Islam does)
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To: Conservatrix

Sorry guys, I only meant to copy and paste the French Knight scene, somehow all of that came along with it.
Fun reading though, makes me laugh even on paper, even after having seen the movie like 25 times!

20 posted on 01/28/2005 7:20:32 AM PST by Conservatrix ("He's a barf." --- Sophia T., Age 4, on John Sawed-Off Baldrick "I have a cunning plan" Kerry)
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