All dressed up ... if he doesn't show, it's because he's not really into you, the relationships bestseller says; "set yourself loose and go find the one who is".
Posted on 11/26/2004 5:29:21 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
Don't waste your time, girls - some romances are not meant to be, writes Caroline Overington.
Is there a woman alive who hasn't sat on the couch, sobbing and saying: "Why doesn't he call?" Well, now we know: he's just not that into you.
Sounds simple, no? Yet a guide for women that explains this basic concept has taken the book world by storm. The book, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, has reached the top of the bestseller lists in The New York Times, USA Today and The Wall Street Journal.
It was born out of an incident that occurred behind the scenes of the Sex and the City television series. A bunch of writers for the program were sitting around and one woman, in particular, was complaining about the "mixed messages" she was getting from a guy in her life. He seemed to like her, but...
According to the book, all her female colleagues were helping her "pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions". After much debate, they concluded that she was fabulous and he was obviously scared and she should just give him more time.
By chance, the comedian Greg Behrendt, who often worked as a consultant on the show, was in the office. He said: "Listen, it sounds like he's just not that into you."
The women were shocked. But according to the book, they also recognised instinctively that "this man might be speaking the truth".
They gathered around him, sharing their stories of men who didn't call. Maybe he broke all the bones in his dialling finger? Maybe he had a terrible childhood? Maybe he was wary of commitment?
One by one, they were shot down by Behrendt's "silver bullet".
The way Behrendt explained it, "if a sane guy really likes you, there ain't nothing that's going to get in his way".
"When a guy is into you, he lets you know it," he said.
LOVE'S RULES:
If you can find him, he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
Men know how to use the phone. If he's not calling you, it's because you're not on his mind.
He's not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk.
He's not that into you if he's sleeping with somebody else (including his wife).
The only way a man can say he "misses you" is if he's choosing, every day, not to see you.
"He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off you."
But aren't some guys just busy? After all, who among women has not called a guy to ask, "Why didn't you call?", only to be told: "I'm sorry, I've been, like, crazy busy."
"If a dude isn't calling you when he says he will, stop making excuses for him," Behrendt says.
"Move on, sister. Cut your losses and don't waste your time."
Behrendt's words of wisdom became the focus of an episode of Sex and the City, in which Miranda asks her friends why a certain guy hasn't been calling. Carrie's boyfriend replies: "He's just not that into you."
Miranda is initially horrified, but then she decides she is liberated by this explanation. For hours afterwards, she walks around smiling and repeating to herself: "He's just not that into me."
Behrendt wrote the book with a former colleague, Liz Tuccillo, and it has been flying off the shelves. The initial print run of 30,000 copies sold out in two weeks.
The book got another boost when the authors appeared on Oprah in September. Oprah Winfrey told her audience the book "could save you 20 years of therapy". She invited guests to share their guy stories. One asked Behrendt about a guy she had jogged with, and really liked, who never asked her out.
"He's just not that into you! He's just not that into you!" Oprah shouted, and soon the whole audience was joining in.
Now another 400,000 copies of the book are being printed.
Critics have said it's just an update of The Rules, a tome released in 1995 that advised women not to call men and never to accept excuses for tardiness. New York Times reporter Rick Marin complained that there was "something wildly condescending about the image of women as helpless creatures standing around until men come into their lives and break their hearts". But others say the book is an antidote to Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and other guides that try to help women understand guys.
"Men are not complicated. There are no mixed messages," Behrendt says. "Unfortunately, guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman 'you're not the one'. But their actions absolutely show how they feel."
There's no reason to feel glum about this. The book assures women they are "super hot" and "foxy", and don't need to "scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask them out".
If someone is treating you badly, it says, move on.
Booksellers report that women are buying the book for friends, especially those who are obsessing about why he didn't call.
"The next time you feel the need to start figuring him out, consider the glorious thought that he's just not that into you," the book says.
"Then set yourself loose and go find the one who is."
Many women find such advice hard to take. Already, there have been stories asking: "But what if He's Just Not That Into You is wrong?"
But, as the writers point out, the alternative is to think: "No, I'm going to hang in here. If I wait and keep my mouth shut, and call at exactly the right time, and anticipate his moods, maybe I can have him." The book says, actually, you can't, and nor do you want him.
All dressed up ... if he doesn't show, it's because he's not really into you, the relationships bestseller says; "set yourself loose and go find the one who is".
Let the gender-bashing wars begin! :D
Oh, and there's a photo above -- if you dare!
You know, with a little imagination, this article could be dedicated to the DUmmies over on DU waiting for him to suddenly take up the fight for them by demanding to be awarded Ohio.
DUmmies, he isn't going to call. Get over it!
Wish this book had been around 20 years ago!
Women can be the same way.
Have you read it? I quickly paged through it in the bookstore a couple of weeks ago, but it seems kind of obvious.
Of course. But since guys aren't the ones who buy these sappy self-help books, they're written for women.
Ms. Lewinsky had the same sort of troubles with Bill. Sad.
I still don't get it, we are not that hard to figure out!
My wife: How do you feeeeeeel?
Me: .....Hungry?
Men want what seems difficult to obtain and therefore valuable. Remember that. Get yourself a tattoo with those words. Write it on the ceiling over your bed. It's a fact of life, like football on Sunday. Let it be.
If women would only return to their biologically-destined, submissive role in a relationship and behave within the bounds of civilization, they would have no worries like this.
The best self-help is self-realization of the Self and acceptance.
I haven't heard of it.
I'm happily married now, but the road to that was filled with a lot of heartache. (not from my husband, but from other men that I fancied throughout my teenage through young adult life)
A lot of it sounds just like what my Mom and Grandma kept telling me, but I wouldn't listen. (common sense?)
A friend of mine (she's deceased now, God rest her soul) used to say a lot, "Men want what they can't have." ;)
As Sun Tzu said, if you have a reputation for subtlety, act straightforwardly.
Great minds and all that. I honestly thought this was going to be a Kerry-Dem base article.
But I agree with the book's title...
I remember the first time Hub kissed me--in my parents' kitchen, after our second date...I remember thinking, "If this man doesn't love me, I am in BIG trouble..." He called every day. Still does, even though we've been married 34 years this Dec. 26th. ;-D
Wow, what insight.
Can someone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make my ex-girlfriend read this!!!!!
This thread ought to be interesting. Bookmarking ...
So do you sometimes get the phones calls from her that go something like this
"Why don't you call anymore? You said when were going out that you'd stay in touch."
"Um, you're married."
Not that I've ever had phone class like that ...
Through some cruel twist of fate, we are obviously destined to be deaf and/or incredulous when the people who care the most about us are giving us good advice. Yeah, sure, it all seems so clear NOW...when I don't need the advice anymore. But it worked out just like the book says (just like most common sense does). Working up to our first date and beyond, the "right guy" made it quite clear he was just as interested in me as I was in him. (Our eleventh wedding anniversary is tomorrow.)
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