Posted on 08/28/2004 9:20:46 PM PDT by StudentsForBush
LIBERAL -You have two cows. -Your neighbor has none. -You feel guilty for being successful. -Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow. -You hold a concert to raise awareness for the cow-lessness. -Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. -You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to help them at all.
CONSERVATIVE -You have two cows. -Your neighbor has none. -So?
SOCIALIST -You have two cows. -The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. -You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST -You have two cows. -The government seizes both and provides you with milk. -You wait in line for hours to get it. -It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. -You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. -The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE -You have two cows. -The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. & gt; >> AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. -You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. -You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. -You are surprised when one cow drops dead. -You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. -Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. -You go on strike because you want three cows. -You go to lunch and drink wine. -Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION -Yo u have two cows. -You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. -They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. -Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. -You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. -Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. -While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. -You break for lunch. -Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. -You have some vodka. -You count them and learn you have four cows. -You have some more vodka. -You count them again and learn you have eight cows. -The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION -You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. -You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. -Then you kill them and c laim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION -You have two cows. -They go into hiding. -They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION -You have two bulls. -Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
CALIFORNIAN -You have a cow and a bull. -The bull is depressed. -It has spent its life living a lie. -It goes away for two weeks. -It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. -You now have two cows. -One makes milk; the other doesn't. -You try to sell the transgender cow. -Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. -You lose in court. -You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. -You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. -You change your business to beef. -PETA pickets your farm. -Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. -Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows." -Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." -Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. & gt; > >>-The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. -You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. -The cow starves to death. -The L.A.Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
good stuff.
CONSERVATIVE -You have two cows. -Your neighbor has none. -So?
Because the neighbor has 2 goats and a feret. He hates cows.
JOHN KERRY: You have two cows. You claim they both served in Vietnam.
The Californian is a new one to me - and it's a good one, too!
Fascism- You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Nazism- You have two cows. The government kills you and takes your cows.
Mexico Corporation- You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
British Corporation- You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.
Feminism- You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
Lawyerism- You see two cows and note that their milk has not been labeled "Contains lactose." You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional dairy co-operative, the distributor and the retailer. You settle out of court for $1,000,000. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get five dollars each. You get the rest. You act surprised when the owner goes berserk and shoots his cows. You feign astonishment when the dairy co-op, the distributor and the retailer all go out of business.
Lol, very funny.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
The woman smiled and said "You must be a Republican!"
"I am" replied the man, "how do you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information and I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am" replied the balloonist, "how do you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you cannot keep and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.
"You have two cows."
Leave my sisters out of this!
GLOBALIST NEOCON: You have 2 cows. You can buy beef, milk and cheese cheaper at the supermarket than it costs you to feed and/or butcher your cows. You're stuck with two worthless cows until they die of old age, costing you thousands in vetinarian bills before they croak. Then they jack up the price of beef, milk and cheese at the grocery store.
Q: What's the difference between a liberal and a communist?
A: The communist knows what he's doing.
BILL CLINTON - You have two cows. And they look pretty good from the rear; well, better than you get at home anyway.
WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM: You have two cows. Oh, wait, that's just Helen Thomas.
ISLAM You have two cows. One refuses to join your jihad, so you kill it.
The other wears a full-length burka so as not to excite any of the bulls.
CHINA You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported
the numbers.
PALESTINE You have two cows. You use one for a shield while you throw rocks at the Israeli police. You put a time bomb inside the other and send it into an Israeli marketplace.
When both cows die you blame the Jews.
ZIMBABWE You have two black-and-white cows. You decide that you don't like the white parts, so decide to hack them off with a knife. You then wonder why the cows seem to be dying. You blame the white cow in the next paddock for the whole thing.
Texas. You have two cows. You barbeque them.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. You are not allowed to milk them, eat them, or repair their pasture or barn, by the government. Eventually they get eaten by a wolf pack. The government thinks this is a good outcome. You are ticked off at the waste of two good cows.
I love walking by the PETA booth at my state's fair munching on beef jerky. I usually find some excuse to pass by at least 5 times in the course of a day.
The conservative wouldn't have two cows. He would have a cow and a bull. He would soon have several cows and several bulls. He would hire the neighbor to milk his cows and in return give him two cows...or rather, a cow and a bull...........
Now that is logic.
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