Posted on 02/27/2004 12:05:30 AM PST by kattracks
COMEBACK KERRY has apparently changed his name back to John Kerry, and we can all be glad about that. This keeps him from being confused with the old-time movie actor Harry Carey. Also from hari-kari, which is the Japanese term for a particularly distasteful form of suicide.
On television last Sunday, Mr. Kerry stated, “If you liked the eight years of Bill Clinton, you’re going to like the first four years of John Kerry.” This bodes ill for those citizens who thought the first 10 minutes of Bill Clinton were an atrocity and then quickly went downhill from there.
Recent pleas to get someone — anyone — to vote for Al Sharpton have gone unheeded, so it is time to turn our attention to Dennis Kucinich. He’s gathering support of late, and we’re not quite sure why. It seems that neither Mr. Sharpton nor Mr. Kucinich will ever abandon his quest for the Presidency.
However, for them to drop out now would be rather like Rosie O’Donnell officially dropping out of the Miss America Pageant. John Kerry (formerly Comeback Kerry) and John Edwards (not to be confused with Edward’s John, the well-known bathroom of a farmer in Nova Scotia) are getting lots of votes, and it doesn’t seem fair.
Sunday is leap day. It happens every four years when there’s an extra day in February. It has something to do with Earth’s rotation around the sun. Earth can be very fickle. Anyway, you don’t have to set your clock forward or backward, or anything like that. You probably should, though, if you have teenage children; it will confuse them. And the more you can befuddle teenagers, the better for you. Howard Dean is an excellent recent example of this concept.
No one knows why February was picked upon to have this extra day to increase our life spans, but it’s probably because it’s our smallest month. That seems fair.
There is a common misconception that leap day is also Sadie Hawkins Day, the day when women rule. Of course, they rule every other day of the year, too, but on Sadie Hawkins Day it’s official. But Sadie Hawkins Day is actually in November, around the time when our national elections are held. This fact could explain just a bunch of mistakes.
In New Hampshire, the Senate has decided by a rather narrow margin that our constitution actually means what it says. It’s all about whether you can carry a gun if you want to, and the constitution says you absolutely can. The bill now goes to the House, where they will decide whether the constitution actually means what it says.
So the Solons of Concord (for alliterative purposes, let’s call them the colons of Concord) will now deliberate the fact that criminals often use guns to commit crimes, while non-criminals never do. It’s a kind of a tough concept for many of the colons.
Speaking of colons, Ralph Nader has entered the Presidential race. Well, enough said.
Two caucuses and a primary election were held this week, and John Kerry won them all. The people of Hawaii can be forgiven, since they probably suffer from sunstroke. But the people of Idaho and Utah live in cool, crisp, clean mountain air, and they ought to be ashamed of themselves.
At any rate, Sadie Hawkins Day takes on new meaning this year. We all knew that if the lady next door wanted to marry your husband, you had to divorce him so the lady could do so. But now, due to a Massachusetts ruling, if the man next door wants to marry your husband, you also have to divorce your husband so the man next door can do so.
President Bush seems to be opposed to this new development. Constitutional issues abound, and we’re not sure how government got into the marriage business in the first place. But it is, and hari-kari may be the solution. The colons of Concord might wish to take note.
Again, Sadie Hawkins Day is in November. So if you don’t want to vote for Dennis Kucinich, please at least marry him.
Don Galloway is a retired actor residing in Hooksett.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.