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The Squirrel Grenade (EXTREMELY funny article)
pvpforums.com ^ | Jan 18, 2004 | by T-Duck

Posted on 01/18/2004 4:03:57 PM PST by Lazamataz

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.

Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.

Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle.at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!

Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness.all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect.

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.

I hate to run over animals.and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in.well.I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street.on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle.my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop. Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked.sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger. That is one dangerous squirrel.

And now he has a patrol car.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: angrysquirrel; biker; chromecruiser; deadlysquirrel; demonicsquirrel; evil; freeperhooligans; inattentivedrivers; lostglove; motorcycle; noleftturn; norightturn; pissedsquirrel; psychosquirrel; rodents; segway; squirrel; squirrelgrenade; squirrels; squirrelysquirrel; takechances; tornshirt; treerats; walknexttime; whenanimalsattack
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To: Lazamataz
Patriotic Squirrel fighting at Squirrel Harbor:
101 posted on 01/18/2004 10:01:15 PM PST by Cvengr (;^))
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To: HangThemHigh
Now that shows true concern for animals!
102 posted on 01/18/2004 10:03:31 PM PST by B4Ranch (Dear Mr. President, Sir, Are you listening to the voters?)
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Bookmark

103 posted on 01/18/2004 10:04:16 PM PST by 2111USMC (the few, the proud, The Marines!)
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To: Pete-R-Bilt
Poor Darling! Keep K away from the article!
104 posted on 01/18/2004 10:06:47 PM PST by B4Ranch (Dear Mr. President, Sir, Are you listening to the voters?)
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To: Lazamataz
ROFLMAO HYDRANT MARK
105 posted on 01/18/2004 10:17:49 PM PST by ChefKeith (NASCAR...everything else is just a game!)
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To: HangThemHigh
Geez, some people have all the luck. I just get a half-dozen bees up the sleeve of my leather jacket....At 60 mph. How many times can you say "ouch" before you get the bike shut down?
106 posted on 01/18/2004 10:18:31 PM PST by Smokin' Joe (This tagline manufactured in the U.S.A. and is certified prion-free.)
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To: Lazamataz
Do not drink liquids while reading this. You have been warned.

Liquids, hell, I nearly choked to death on my own tongue, and my diaphram needed a defibrillator.

107 posted on 01/18/2004 10:32:30 PM PST by Ichneumon
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To: Restorer
It would be hard to tell if a squirrel had rabies because they are naturally pissed off easily.
108 posted on 01/18/2004 10:32:51 PM PST by honeygrl (If I had a dollar for every time I had 60 cents, I would be in Canada.)
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To: Lazamataz
scary squirrel world
109 posted on 01/18/2004 11:53:27 PM PST by LayoutGuru2 (Hi Daleel, EOM and Andreas Whackered)
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To: 4mycountry; Lazamataz
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.


110 posted on 01/19/2004 3:14:37 AM PST by MeekOneGOP (Freeper formerly known as MeeknMing)
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To: carlo3b; A Navy Vet; ambrose; AAABEST
Some of the funniest text you will ever read.
111 posted on 01/19/2004 4:30:38 AM PST by Lazamataz (New York City has always been, and always will be, America's switchblade.)
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To: M. Thatcher
Read it and weep.

Weeping from laughter, of course.

(Can I include you in "Laz's Angels"?)

112 posted on 01/19/2004 4:31:49 AM PST by Lazamataz (New York City has always been, and always will be, America's switchblade.)
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To: Lazamataz
ROTF!!!! We had a home invader of the squirrel persuasion a few years ago. Mr. Mew tried to catch the critter in his fishing net. The squirrel chewed through it before Mr. Mew could get him out the door, and the chase was on again. We finally got the little guy out, a few hours and one broken window later. But this is why we brake for squirrels. Paybacks are heck.
113 posted on 01/19/2004 4:38:44 AM PST by mewzilla
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To: Lazamataz
Ninja Squirrels are a huge problem in my area.

CG
114 posted on 01/19/2004 4:39:47 AM PST by Conspiracy Guy (Freepers are the best.)
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To: mewzilla

Awwwww...

115 posted on 01/19/2004 4:42:20 AM PST by mewzilla
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To: Conspiracy Guy
Its Al-Squiada.
116 posted on 01/19/2004 4:48:13 AM PST by Lazamataz (New York City has always been, and always will be, America's switchblade.)
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To: mewzilla

Daylight Robbery Iand II. Cool squirrel videos. A must for squirrel lovers :)

117 posted on 01/19/2004 4:54:00 AM PST by mewzilla
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To: Smokin' Joe
I've had a bee down the shirt, but never a whole swarm at once. Of course that one bee stung me six times by the time I crushed him against my chest. Hope your ride ended well that day.
118 posted on 01/19/2004 4:54:47 AM PST by HangThemHigh (Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back.)
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To: Lazamataz
While riding my Superglide in late 70's, I had an encounter with a chicken in the pre-dawn light fog on a country road. I had my visor open for max vis and the dang chicken saw me as I saw it and jumped. I ducked but the chicken didn't clear the open visor. I was only doing 20-30 mph but that was enough to disembowel and defeather the poor creature. My back was covered in chicken guts and feathers. But no fight ensued. I rode home showered and took my truck to work.

I hate chickens.

CG
119 posted on 01/19/2004 4:57:51 AM PST by Conspiracy Guy (Freepers are the best.)
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To: Conspiracy Guy
LOL!

I clearly need to get a motorcycle.

Just for the funny stories alone.

120 posted on 01/19/2004 5:08:40 AM PST by Lazamataz (New York City has always been, and always will be, America's switchblade.)
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