HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

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[Cultural Jihad]

HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in ditch. There ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

• a. highway

• b. jailhouse

• c. empty bed

• d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:

• a. Nordstrom's

• b. gallery openings

• c. Ivy League colleges

• d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

• a. you older than dirt

• b. you blind

• c. you shot a man in Memphis

• d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

• a. you have all your teeth

• b. you were once blind but now can see

• c. the man in Memphis lived

• d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

• a. cheap wine

• b. whiskey or bourbon

• c. muddy water

• d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

• a. Perrier

• b. Chardonnay

• c. Snapple

• d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

• a. Sadie

• b. Big Mama

• c. Bessie

• d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

• a. Joe

• b. Willie

• c. Little Willie

• d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

• a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

• b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)

• c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Examples:

Blind Lime Jeffereson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.

20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues.

[dasboot]

outstanding bttt

[Slings and Arrows]

21. An exemption to the above may be made if you are a Jewish kid from Chicago. Not Long Island. Not Los Angeles. Chicago.

[NutCrackerBoy]

There's a big dilemma
About my Big Leg Emma

[Straight Vermonter]

Rich man drive a Caddy
Poor man drive a Ford
Me, I go down the street
On four wheels and a board.

[TheOtherOne]

If You Go Down To Deep Elem Put Your Money In Your Shoes
The Women In Deep Elem They Give You The Deep Elem Blues

Oh, sweet Mama, Your Daddy's Got Them Deep Elem Blues

Once I Had A Girlfriend, She Meant The World To Me
She Went Down To Deep Elem, Now She Ain't What She Used To Be

Once I Knew A Percher, Preached The Bible Thru And Thru
He Went Down To Deep Elem, Now His Preaching Days Are Thru

When You Go Down To Deep Elem To Have A Little Fun,
Have Your Ten Dollars Ready When The Police Man Comes

When yo go down to Deep Elem put your money in your pants
Cause the women in Deep Elem they don't give a man a chance

Oh, Sweet Mama, Your Daddy's Got Them Deep Elem Blues.

[justlurking]

Reminds me of the joke about what happens if you play a country song backwards.....

You get your dog back.
You get your truck back.
You get your wife/girlfriend back.
You get your house/trailer back.

[VOA]

HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

Some guide, not one mention about "mojo".
Or about how to get it working.
:-)

[WackyKat]

My blues name is "Two Car Jones"

[VOA]

Reminds me of the joke about what happens if you play a country song backwards.....

My favorite title:
"The Last Thing I Needed (The First Thing This Morning Was To Have You Walk Out On Me)"

[laweeks]

I just got on the A-train
And sure feel all forlorn
'Cuz she kissed me at the station
While I went off in my uniform

[LurkerNoMore!]

Yawn
lol

[Lancey Howard]

New Orleans is a good place for the blues, but Philadelphia doesn't quite work. (Philly's more of a finger-snapping "do-wah, bop-bop" kind of place.) Also, lemon works, but lime? I dunno.... Jelly is good. And there should also be some reference to the devil, and maybe to the floor. The killing floor. And mojo.... Gotta have your mojo, whether it's working or not.

A great big excellence in posting for you, Cultural Jihad!

[Skywalk]

The Blues is more than this--I mean, it's funny, but the Blues, specifically Chicago electrified sound set the stage for rock and roll.

Many Blues artists were "blue" all right. Let's see "Black Snake Moanin'" and "Cocaine Habit" are just two of the songs from the Blues era. Sexually-charged lyrics were common. Lyrics describing anything from drug use to domestic violence were also written.

And the Blues, more than most genres, has its own legends and myths--like Robert Johnson selling his soul to the devil at the cross roads so he could play the guitar so well(when he left his hometown, he couldn't play well at all) Or the fact that Johnson was poisoned by a jealous audience member having lived only 32? years.

[Skywalk]

Killing flo'?

The Hard Time Killing Floor Blues? :)

[dandelion]

My life is a lemon,
I'm sucking all the time;
Got no stocks or sables,
Just had one thin dime

And it's GOOOONE,
My last dime is gone.
My life ain't wuff a nickel -
My last dime is gone.

Had a beat-up pick-up,
Broke down in the snow
Repo wouldn't take it
It wasn't fit to tow

And it's GOOOONE,
My last dime is gone.
My life ain't wuff a nickel -
My last dime is gone.

My pit bull done bit me,
My cat scratched out my eyes;
My mama says I'm ugly,
My gramma tells me lies.

Cause it's GOOOONE,
My last dime is gone.
My life ain't wuff a nickel -
My last dime is gone.

BY DANDELION!!

[VOA]

...but the Blues, specifically Chicago electrified sound set the stage for rock and roll.

After one strenuous day of hiking/climbing, I and some buddies dragged ourselves back
to my car.
Someone had the inspiration to put some Willie Dixon into the tape deck.

Muscles screamin' and stomach rumblin'--yeah, even white-boy day hikers
get dem blues...

[Doctor Stochastic]

It helps if your first ex-wife was a middle-class low-life in high heels working second shift in a third rate joint on fourth street. Even a fifth of burbon may not help.

It isn't blues to sing:

Woke up at noon, felt it was too soon,
Woke up at noon, felt it was too soon,
My Beemer has a flat, told the chauffer that,
He shold get it fixed real soon.

[Hugin]

Bi-polar Kiwi Nixon sings Da Blues.