50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks

Pointless Waste of Time ^

[SandfleaCSC]

Elrond and Arwen weren't pure elves in the first place. I think, I could be wrong though.

[motzman]

As I said, I'll retreat to the Nerdery and find an answer...

[I'm ALL Right!]

Truly, your intellect is dizzying! Don't fight any land wars in Asia.

[knak]

I have one reason not to contribute to their success. Did anyone see the red headed star on Charlie Rose the other night? Anti-war, Anti-american PIG.

[DouglasKC]

Invisible Implausibility.
Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.

This entire post was hilarious. Especially the last line of the paragraph above. Thanks!

[motzman]

Your instincts are correct. You win a pair of 20-sided dice.

One of the greatest Elves in the history of Middle-earth, Elrond was born at the Havens of Sirion late in the First Age. During their sack, he and his brother Elros were taken captive by the Sons of Fëanor, but Maglor took pity on them and released them. When they were rescued, Elrond was found playing in a cave beneath a waterfall, and so received his name.

Both of Elrond's parents were half-elven, and after the War of Wrath he was given a choice; whether to be counted amongst the kindred of Elves or of Men. He chose the Firstborn, and remained in Lindon with High King Gil-galad.

After the invasion of Eriador by Sauron in the mid-Second Age, Elrond founded a refuge there in a deep hidden valley; this was named Imladris, or Rivendell in the Common Speech. After Sauron's defeat by Tar-Minastir of Númenor, Elrond remained in Rivendell, where he prospered with the aid of the Great Ring, Vilya.

Elrond played a great part in the histories of the Second and Third Ages; he marched with Gil-galad and Elendil to the War of the Last Alliance, and was a leading member of the White Council. At the time of the Council of Elrond in 3018 (Third Age), he had dwelt in Middle-earth for some 6,500 years.


I once had a fish name Gil-Galad....

[DouglasKC]

lol...i just read the rest of the posts and the people that didn't get it were almost as funny as the post itself.

[hove]

When I realized that this opinion was satire,it became sort of funny.

[LonghornFreeper]

That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I was pretty sure something funny was going on when I read the first point, because no one who hasn't lived in a cave the last year would think Fellowship of the Ring was a novelization of the movie, but it took me until #6 (Blizzard and Warcraft) to be completely sure it was satire. Incidentally, Warcraft Orcs are not that much like Tolkien orcs (they are actually good guys in the most recent game), and the Warcraft series are some of the best computer games ever made. Warcraft III (released about six months ago) was one of the few things I looked forward to as much as The Two Towers.

[paulklenk]

Millions of copies of the LOTR DVD have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, guys.

Although I haven't seen the DVD to verify this, I suspect you're all wet on this one. Sounds like you do not understand the simple concept of letterboxing. Can you elaborate on this a bit more so I can make sure you've done your homework? First explain letterboxing for me [so I can tell whether you even know what it is and why it is used]. Then let me know whether you think the black bars on the DVD are or are not letterboxing, and why.

Also, I think your article is bogus because it mostly consists of what [in your mind] are "goofs" -- plot holes, continuity problems, etc.; you don't have anything substantive to say about the film. Every movie has goofs if you look closely enough. You mistake nitpicking with artistic criticism, which is an arrogant and lowbrow approach to film reviewing.

[motzman]

Your reply was as funny as the original post!

[exDemMom]

That was great, thank you! I especially liked #36; I had noticed that previously myself.

Did you ever happen to come across Harvard Press' "Bored of the Rings?" It's a funny parody, probably not available now, but if you can get your hands on it, you'll probably enjoy it.

[paulklenk]

The more I read your article, the more I think it's one of the least intelligent things I've read on FR [or anywhere else] in a long time. It's too stupid to be taken seriously as film criticism, but not clever enough to be taken as parody, and too lame in its observations to even merit reading it. What's the point?

[Tennessee_Bob]

Damn.

It took twenty posts for someone to come up with the critical operative word.

IT'S SATIRE, PEOPLE!

[exDemMom]

You know, I purchased the widescreen version of the movie, and the image on my TV is still only 25 inches wide, the same as the full screen version. Was I ripped off?

My only DVD player is a drive on my computer. I have a 14 inch monitor. You want to know what watching widescreen movies is like at my house, when the danged movie picture is only 5 inches tall and 10 wide?

NO, you weren't ripped off.

[SandfleaCSC]

Many thanks to you and your brothers at the Nerdery. May your hit points always regenerate and your spells not reflect.

[motzman]

Harvard Press' "Bored of the Rings?"

Been looking for a copy; read it many years ago. some notable highlights:

Bromosel's (Boromir's) battle cry is "Esso Extra!"

The Balrog is The Ballhog. Rather then drums signaling his approach, the sound of "Thump...Thump...Thump...Swish" can be heard.

Tom Bombadil is Tim Benzedrine, drug-addict.

and so many more...if you can find a source, please ping me...I've been checking used bookstores with no luck.

[paulklenk]

It's not clever enough for satire. So, if it's satire, it's lame satire, and therefore still a disappointment.

[motzman]

We never sleep, eat lembas, and use kingsfoil when injured.

And, naturally, have no girlfriends....

[ccmay]

Elrond and Arwen weren't pure elves in the first place. I think, I could be wrong though.

No, you're right. Elrond's epithet in the books is "Half-Elven." His daughter is three-quarters elf.

-ccm