Ideas On How To Spend The Disputed Trust Money For The Nixon Library

Toogood Reports ^ | 4/22/02 | Doug Powers

[WrightOnTarget]

When Richard Nixon's long time friend Charles "Bebe" Rebozo passed away in 1998 he left 65% of his estate to the Nixon Library in his will, provided all expenditures be approved by Tricia Nixon Cox, Julie Nixon Eisenhower and Robert Abplanalp, another Nixon friend. Rebozo, whose name is Spanish for "the clown died, send me another", left over $20 million to the library.

According to USA Today the trust gave the library foundation $781,000 in 1999, but a disagreement between the sisters has left deciding how to spend the remaining money up to a court or mediator. Eisenhower and the library board want the money spent only on the library, Cox favors a plan that would take control away from the library board and give the sisters and Abplanalp full control, while Abplanalp wants to give the money to anagram experts to unscramble the letters in his name to form a sound that can be pronounced by a human being.

Since giving money to more than one person and expecting them to agree on how to spend it in a timely fashion is like giving Alexander Hamilton the gun, Aaron Burr the bullet, and saying "you two kids work this out", this could take a while. It is for that reason that I would like to offer my mediation services. Here is how I would spend the remaining $20 million earmarked for the Nixon Library:

• $7 million to produce and stock the library with the "tapes" on DVD. Extra footage will include enhanced digital audio of Nixon's secretary Rose Mary Woods saying "Hey, what's this button do" just before 17 minutes of dead silence, several occasions of Nixon urging Kissinger to "speak English, Jew boy", and a hysterical selection of Watergate break-in "Bloopers and Practical Jokes" after the final credits. Features on the bloopers section include a hilarious sequence where Frank Sturgis drops his flashlight on the head of James McCord, causing him to stand up quickly and hit his head on the open file cabinet above him.

• $6.5 million for a special "Institute for the Prevention of Nervous Upper Lip Sweat" wing of the library. Visitors to this area will take a guided "History of Facial Hyperhidrosis" interactive tour including an experience in the "1960 presidential debate simulator." This machine will recreate for visitors exactly how sweaty you can get under the pressures of debating under blazing hot television lights with no makeup on in front of millions of people next to a suave and sophisticated communicator while his brothers are just off camera hitting on your wife. The exhibit should bring home to people the horrors of living with chronic nervous upper lip sweat.

• $4 million for an expanded gift shop to include a line of "Nix-Wear" beach suits and ties, which will basically be a "Men's Wearhouse" that also sells SPF #50 sun block. Once a year the library will sponsor a competition to find out who looks best in their "Nix-Wear" beach suits. Contestants will walk the runway, showing off how they maintain dignity and professionalism while at the same time remaining fashionable and sunburn-free on the beaches of St. Tropez, Milan, and San Clemente. Contestants may even seductively pull up their coat sleeve to show the "executives tan line" on their wrist found otherwise only on high-level office holders with the tightest of sphincters. The day will conclude with former Nixon valet Manolo Sanchez demonstrating the most effective way to clean sand out of the insole of a Thom McCann.

• $2.5 million to design and build a Checkers mechanical leg humper, to be patented as the "Latch 'N Go", which will be put in the lobby. How long can Checkers stay on while you frantically try to kick him off? For just a dollar you can find out. The machine will come in five easy to set speeds, from the lowest "Sleepy Checkers" level to the highest "Checkers after reading the swimsuit issue of 'Dog Fancy' and eating a dozen coffee truffles" expert level. The "Latch 'N Go" should pay for itself within a year. This machine will be the mechanical bull of the new millennium. Actually, a bull was considered for this type of thing, but the "test pilot" passed away in a most unfortunate and uncomfortable manner.

I hope this column has been able to assist the three people who are deciding what to do with the money, the Nixon daughters and Mr. Abp... Abpl... -- that other guy, so they can come to a quick agreement. Does our memory of Richard Nixon need yet another stain on it? The man had enough problems in life, a poor upbringing, tough political battles, Vietnam troubles, Watergate, waking in the morning to find that Pat drank all his Skin Bracer, and being forced to resign the Presidency. Don't make a scandal out of the poor man's library too.

To comment on this article or express your opinion directly to the author, you are invited to e-mail Doug at comedywriter@voyager.net .

[Tony in Hawaii]

I want some of those black wing-tip beach shoes.