BMW Gets Blue Windscreen of Death

Satirewire ^ | 3/21/02

[snowfox]

BMW Gets Blue Windscreen of Death

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — Microsoft announced this week that a version of its Windows operating system will be installed in BMW's new 7 Series cars, a move analysts say will dramatically increase the vehicle's ability to suddenly crash for no reason.

According to BMW spokesman Gehard Voorst, the cars, which will now take at least five minutes to warm up, will enable owners to confidently cruise and compute at high speeds for several hours before the machine abruptly seizes and catapults the driver through the 7 Series' new "blue windscreen of death."

and...

Hooked On Phonics Files for I Pee Oh

San Francisco (SatireWire.com) — Gateway Learning Corporation, maker of Hooked On Phonics, said today it will spin off its language teaching arm in an in-ish-ul pub-lik aw-fer-ing, or I Pee Oh.

In an S-1 filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission, the company said it hopes to sell 5 mil-yun shairs at ate dahl-erz. The offering will be underwritten by Goldman Sachs, and pronounced by a second grader who is now reading at the fourth-grade level, and really enjoying it.

Four out of five stock analysts said they expect to see interest in the offering improve dramatically in just four weeks.

[snowfox]

I love SatireWire (speaking platonically, of course)

[RangeRatt]

and you'd have to press the "start" button to turn your car off...

your BMW would shut off, for no apparent reason, and you would simply reinstall the engine & continue..

only one person would be able to drive the car, unless you bought BMW NT...

[monkeyshine]

You'll have to re-register the software each time you change the oil.

[RangeRatt]

with the BMW NT software, up to five people could drive the car, but they'd all have to have the same sized butt....

[P8riot]

Yes, but only an Administrator could change the oil.

[meadsjn]

It's gotta be a joke. I've never seen a BMW moving at any speed. I have seen tow trucks dropping them off alongside the highway (probably how they advertise). Sometimes they stay in one spot for days, then are towed a few miles farther to reach a different target market.

[AdA$tra]

Obviously BMW stands for BuyMicrosoftWindows.

[snowfox]

That's pretty good. I never saw that angle.

[Richard Kimball]

Every time you drive somewhere, you have to save your location every ten minutes, or when it locks up you'll be back in your driveway and have to start all over. It has an "auto assistant" that pops up on your instrument panel and blocks your view of the speedometer, while giving you helpful tips like "the left pedal makes you stop!" It automatically drives to the nearest gas station that's paid advertising money to Bill Gates, and sends information back to Microsoft about everywhere you've driven. When you try to roll up the window, three pop up windows will come out of nowhere, at least one advertising the X-15 spy cam. It's authorized for only one user, so you'll have to pay additional licensing fees if anyone sits in the back seat.

[RangeRatt]

and, arbitrarily, you will be locked out of your BMW, and in order to get back in, you will have to (simultaneously)turn the key in the door, lift the door handle, lift the wiper away from the windshield, and raise the radio antenna, before your car will let you back in. Sound complicated? No more complicated than most system commands!

[Richard Kimball]

And, after it dies on you, when you start it up, a little sign pops up on the dashboard that says, "Because YOU didn't shut down your BMW properly, the pistons may be damaged, scanning hard drive..."

[RangeRatt]

I looked for my entire list of "If GM made cars like Microsoft made software" today, but could't find it. The search continues...BUT- it has been reported that Apple is working with Volkswagen to develop a car that gets better fuel economy, rides & handles better, and had more available horsepower & torque than the MS-BMW, but it will only run on 10% of world's roads!

[PatrioticAmerican]

Of course, Chevy would complain that BMW has too much of the high end market and demand that the government step in and dismantle BMW and require Chevy Chevettes to be priced at $45,000.