Posted on 03/16/2019 6:53:23 PM PDT by DeathBeforeDishonor1
I’m white. I’m male. I’m heterosexual. I’m Christian. I’m conservative. I’m a Trump supporter. Which means I’m also grateful… Grateful Captain Marvel star Brie Larson only requested that I not review her movie when I know she’d prefer to request my murder. So, as a compromise, this review is late, a week late, but Captain Marvel still sucked. It doesn’t Ghostbusters-remake suck. Rather, it sucks like Doctor Strange and that second Thor movie. It just kind of lies there in a purple puddle of uninspired but busy CGI; artless and simple.
If Brie’s worried about this white, heterosexual male objectifying her, she needn’t. Her eyes are too close together, she has the jawline of the Lone Ranger, no ass, and fat toes. She is also a charisma-free zone. Sterile. Bland. No pop. No ha-cha-cha. None. Zippo. My loins would stir watching Gal Gadot kill my dog. Watching Brie Larson do anything is like watching your snooty sister gossip on the phone.
The story is duller than dull, duller than Brie, another godawful origin tale, this one about an American fighter pilot who has no idea she’s an American fighter pilot, but instead thinks she’s part of some alien race in an alien war. After about 20 minutes, she crash lands on Earth in the year 1995, but because everything in 1995 looks almost exactly like everything does today, there’s no nostalgia factor. Okay, the Internet’s slower and there are Blockbusters and Radio Shacks. … Oh, yeah, a real back-to-the-future nostalgia trip.
Captain Marvel aka Carol Danvers eventually teams up with Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson CGI’d to look 25 years younger), but they have absolutely no chemistry or warmth,....
(Excerpt) Read more at breitbart.com ...
You need to put emphasis on the B when you say it. Uh. You went to Starbucks AGAIN? You need to stop going there, Becky.
Ill never watch this trailer park trash movie but damn....Im going to Breitbart for movie reviews from now on.
Brie Larson seems like a real POS!
Oh, snap.
The fat toes comment made the review. LOL.
This is one of the best Movie reviews I have ever read!
I agree. Excellent review.
Yup. I’m with this guy. The movie was just plain lame.
Thanks for the review, I didn’t think I would ever bother to see it and now I know I need not give it another thought!
I do want to know whether the studio is pulling off some kind of fraud with the box office numbers for this because I keep hearing it has lousy turn-outs but the studio is claiming mega-success.
I noticed that in my region the mega-plexes have featured it like crazy, i.e., it shows in multiple theaters, scheduled to start every 30 or 60 min., in two mega-plexes that are almost across the highway from each other (and which normally don’t ever show the same movies, as far as I have ever noticed).
So are all these showings really packed with moviegoers (I keep hearing otherwise)????
Or is the studio doing some kind of massive fraud and pumping up the numbers? unless these showings are all full or nearly full I can’t imagine why there would be so many of them......
I call bullsqueeze.
Saw Captain Marvel. Great film. This reviewer has an obvious bias. Yes, I know what Larson said, but this guy is just trying to be an ass.
If seeing and liking this movie makes me no longer a patriotic American, then something is wrong.
She looks like her namesake....”Cheese”
Mebbe you just got a thing for fat toes, hoagy... ;-)
I won’t say you’re wrong. But you need some context.
IMHO, this is the “best” (if accuracy and humor have any value) movie review ever (movie reviewed, Zack Snyder’s ‘300’):
http://legacy.aintitcool.com/node/31520
Captain Meh-vel
Captain Retcon
Captain 2x4
Captain MarySue
Glad you enjoyed it. You're standards are obviously very low. LOL
The piece of wood in my garage has more personality then Captain Meh-vel.
https://marionharmon.com/2019/03/12/a-new-marvel/
I think that it's fair, and certainly the sales figure of this guys books are suitable credentials as someone whose assessments of media in this genre are likely to echo what many genre fans will think about it.
Maybe she's really from Rio Linda.
And Linda Hamilton has a twin sister too.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.