Posted on 12/09/2017 5:03:28 AM PST by sodpoodle
Some Irish Humor... Irish Confession… I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be. He replied, "You moron, you're on my side.” Some Light Dublin Traffic Humour… A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?” ______________________________ ______________ Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about! ” ______________________________ _______________ Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.’ 'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?’ ______________________________ _______________ Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. ______________________________ _________________ Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?’ 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.’ ______________________________ __________________ Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home! ______________________________ ________________ Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!’ 'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked. 'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’
Me Irish ancestors had names like Campbell and Irvine..
:)
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
“And where will I find a band at three o’clock in the morning?”
Ping.
Is this not ‘Cultural Appropriation’ when we minimally Irish smile and laugh at this? Then there is the problem with other jokes like the circular firing squad and such that must NOT be attributed! Sheesh, what a mess we are allowing the most easily offended to drive us into self-censorship!
Don’t look but soon these amusements will be the equivalent of harassment and punishable by Big Mother & her Snowflake Minions!
Thank you!
Speakin’ as an American with a lot of proud Irish heritage, with a family name that originated in County Cork hundreds of years BEFORE the damn potato famine, I’m offended at these jokes.
(Not!)
Paddy tells the bartender he’s had enough.He slides off the stool crawls out the doorway ,crawls up the bedroom steps and crawls into bed.He wakes up in the morning and his wife says “You went out drinking last night”.He say “How do you know?”She says “You forgot your wheelchair”.
Irish humor
"Dio ha messo gli irlandesi su questa terra per rendere anche l'aspetto più stupido italiano come un genio."
“... originated in County Cork..”
Hi cousin! :)
What’s the difference between a Scotsman and a member of the band, Rolling Stone? Member of the Stones says, Hey You, Get Off of My Cloud and a Scotsman says, Hey McCloud get off of my ewe.
It’s three a.m. when Colleen hears the door open and close sharply followed by boots clomping up the stairs. She hears stumbling steps approaching their bedroom and the door opens to Paddy, obviously in his cups, and holding a sheep under one arm. She sits up in bed and turns on her lamp.
“This is the cow I make whoopee with when you’re ‘not in the mood’.” slurs Paddy.
“You drunken sot” replies Colleen, “That’s not a cow, it’s a sheep!” to which Paddy retorts,
“I was talking to the sheep!”
Then one day he only orders two pints, and the next and the next. The owner finally approaches and offers condolences for his departed brother. "Oh no, me brothers are fine! I've just quit drinkin'."
I think this is my favorite one...I copied them all and sent them in an email to friends in CA from Belfast...They’re going through some rough times and perhaps this will help cheer them up...
"Your Honour, we find the defendant guilty, with some slight doubt as to whether he's the man."
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
The guy asks, “Why do you say that?”
“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
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