But why would telling the truth be a prank?
Posted on 05/20/2017 9:50:18 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Retired Person's Perspective
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
(That is like the guy who named his dog “5 miles” and walked “5 miles” every day)
8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.
So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me. I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?"
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, get out, and stay Out!"
I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
A boy calls 911 and says, “Hello? I need your help!” The 911 operator responds, “Alright, what is it?” The boy says, “Two girls are fighting over me!” The operator answers, “So what’s your emergency?” The boy replies, “The ugly one is winning.”
A cop interviewing a man about a murder asks, “Did you kill this man?” The man responds, “No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed.”
7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
(That is like the guy who named his dog “5 miles” and walked “5 miles” every day)
That’s like every college/university town has a bar called “The Library”. So if the parents called and the roommate answered he/she could honestly say, “(S)he’s not here. He went to the Library.”
Funny.
Reminds me of an old Navy joke:
During one of the all hands drill the ship’s Captain was walking down the main deck when a sailor ran up to him and started stuttering profusely. The Captain yelled sing out sailor and he did.
Should old aquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
The Admiral’s fallen overboard
He’s half a mile behind.
But why would telling the truth be a prank?
Kid in my platoon screwed up badly on the obstacle course. TI ran over screaming “WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU BOY? DIDN’T YOU NEVER GET NO BRINGIN” UP?” Kid said “No, Sir. I was throwed up.”
Marriage is like a game of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond. Towards the end, you just want a club and a spade.
I’m one of the stupids. If you kill me, I’ll ask for time to beg God’s Mercy first.
I once heard love described as: a warm fuzzy feeling that starts in the skull, travels down the spine and jumps out the end of your Johnson.
A wise man once told me, “Everyone comes into this world bald, toothless and crapping their pants. If you’re lucky you live long enough to go out the same way “.
I’ve gotten to the age where I’m as old, crotchety and out of touch as the people I used to complain about.
I have reached the age where I’m half as smart as I thought I was when I was 16.
My next goal in life is to live long enough to be a problem to my children.
Son: hey dad, how was the trip?
Dad: doubly satisfying.
Son: doubly satisfying?
Dad: yep. I did everything I had planned on and used part of your inheritance to pay for it.
Saturday morning inspection, all in a row, standing at attention.
Inspecting officer comes up to the guy standing next to me, looks down at the shoes the guy is wearing and yells: “Boy, that shine looks like sh&t!!”
The guy responds: “That’s your reflection, Sir!!”
True story
(By the way, he didn’t last long)
During a personnel inspection a master chief told me to use a toothbrush to polish the upper edges of my soles. I asked him if that wouldn’t make my teeth black in the morning. True story. He just shook his head and moved on.
Funny!
BFL!
Shoot them.
Since they are already in the tub clean up will be a breeze.
I will be miffed about having to replace the broken tiles.
Thanks for the smile
lol
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