For you sir.
A salt shaker and an orange walks into a bar.
The salt shaker says “I’ll have a gin and tonic”.
The bartender says “Oh my god, a talking salt shaker!”
I didn’t say it was going to be very funny.
A small town doctor is sitting in his office one day when a guy dressed in camoflage and orange runs in yelling “Doc, ya gotta help me! me and my buddy were out hunting and i thought he was a deer and I shot him!” The doctor jumps up, grabs his medical bag and yells “take me to him right now!” They both run out at breakneck speed. A few minutes later both the doctor and the hunter stroll back into the office , the doctors arm around the hunters shoulder. They both stop, and the doctor looks at the hunter and tells him “you know, he might’ve had a chance if you hadn’t gutted him”.
CC
I won’t tell the joke, but I’ll give the punchline...
.... So the doctor said if you don’t suck the poison out - your friend will die. So the guy hung up; goes back to his friend.
The friend said; “What the doctor say? What’d he say??”
The guy said: “You’re gonna die.”
A man hears a knock at the door. He opens it and sees nothing, but a voice says, “Have you heard the good news?” He looks down and sees a snail. He picks it up and flings it into the yard. Ten hours later, he hears another knock at the door. He opens it, and the snail asks, “What’d you do that for?”
Funny
I have an Epipen.
My friend gave it to me just before he died. Seemed important to him that I have it.
I’LL OWN THIS COMPANY BEFORE I’M THROUGH!!!
Jason Spignolli, best attorney around. He’ll take Jim to the cleaners!
As soon as he gets out of prison I’ll contact him. :)
Not ALL Italians have connections to the MAFIA. I can’t speak for myself, but NOT ALL do. :)
Plus the guy was close to dead anyway. What are you suppose to do?
Innuendo.
Italian suppository.
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked the engineer, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that’s cool!
My twelve year old son sent me a text: How does a blind person know when to stop wiping their butt?
A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC.
He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag-burning, cop-hating, anti-Trump protester.”
The priest said, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service!!”
A contribution, though it’s not yet Silly Friday
_______________________________________________
AS WE GROW OLDER
Some Trivia.....
God’s plan for aging
Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful
so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need.
In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things
requiring them to bend, reach stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders
and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will.
It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky- panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
MAKE IT A GREAT WEEKEND!
Growing old can is better than the alternative.
Why shouldn’t you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal the GREEN cards!
Waddya call a Black guy who flies an airplane? A PILOT! What are you, some people kind of racist??!?