March 4, 2014: Dave Barry Learns Everything You Need to Know About Being a Husband From Reading 50 S

Time Mag ^ | March 4, 2014 | Dave Barry

[aquila48]

So I read Fifty Shades of Grey. This is the book written by female British author “E. L. James” that became a huge bestseller, devoured by pretty much every woman on Earth except my wife (or so she claims).

I think I might be the only man who read this book. I did it sneakily, hiding the cover, especially when I was on an airplane, which actually is a good place to read this book because you have access to a barf bag. I say this because of the writing style, which is . . . OK, here’s one tiny sample of the writing style:

“Did you give him our address?” “No, but stalking is one of his specialties,” I muse matter-of-factly. Kate’s brow knits further.

[aquila48]

One of Dave Barry's best... worth the read.

[Scutter]

Classic Dave Berry. Hilarious!

[Scutter]

Dave Barry, I meant to say :)

[Aria]

Laugh Out Loud!!

[Robwin]

Quite funny. Barry is always quite adept in capturing the uncertainty most men experience when dealing with those lovely but strange creatures called females.

[latina4dubya]

excellent review... and spot on...

[Jemian]

Very funny. Fwiw, I have not read the book, nor will see the movie. It violates #6 of The Ten.

[kitkat]

I didn’t know what I’ve been missing. ‘I’ll be reading Dave Barry from now on. Thanks.

[rfreedom4u]

I’m a man and I read the book too. I wish I could have the time back that I wasted. Barry forgot to point out that Grey was molested by an older woman as a child and still keeps in contact with her for some reason.

This book sucks big time!

[dinodino]

That’s really funny stuff.

[Crazieman]

Dave’s always been like this. And he leans conservative, which is another huge plus.

I own a few of his books of collected newspaper columns. They’re an absolute scream.

[4everontheRight]

What else would make me cry from laughing so hard at 6:30 in the morning but classic Dave Barry.
As a woman, I was wondering what all the fuss was about where this book was concerned. I would much rather read Dave's version and save myself for a Joel Rosenberg or anything about George Washington. Thanks Dave for saving my little grey (Ha) cells from more gutter rot. I get enough of that from Washington DC

[Artie]

Dave drills down and flat out nails early male teenage existence. The book review was sparkling as well.

[W.]

Following quote spoken in the voice of a Minnesotan female: "Walking boner? Ooh, double crap!"

Always looked forward to Barry's column in the newspaper--back in the day...

[Rodamala]

I laughed more than once... what an entertaining writer, this Dave Barry.

[TalBlack]

Christian starts stalking her and pressuring her to engage in—and I do not mean this to sound in any way judgmental—sicko pervert sex.

I wonder how long before it wouldn’t even occur to an...er...essayist to make this joke.

Barry’s riffage on the 50,000 watt hormone transmitter (his dog) is literally LOL!

[left that other site]

I LOVE Dave Barry! Here are his quotes on 50S "Inner goddess":

“My inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.”
“My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.”
“My inner goddess is doing the Dance of Seven Veils.”
“My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
“My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring, too, mouth open and drooling slightly.”
“My inner goddess jumps up and down, with cheerleading pom-poms, shouting ‘Yes’ at me.”
“My inner goddess is doing backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.”
“My inner goddess pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot bar.”
“My inner goddess fist-pumps the air above her chaise longue.”

Since I have not read the book I do not know if these are actual quotes, or pure Dave Barry!

[ProtectOurFreedom]

Fantastic, huh? He hasn’t lost the touch.

[tbw2]

It is odd how female empowerment of the 1960s has led to expectations of sex on a first date, acceptance of men abandoning women, women pushed to dress overly-sexy and now sado-masochism. In a quest to eliminate a lot of these so-called evil patriarchal pressures of faithful marriage and invested fathers and husbands, feminists end up promoting the worst of men’s fantasies in the quest for equality.

[Albion Wilde]

Barry’s riffage on the 50,000 watt hormone transmitter (his dog) is literally LOL!

I died laughing. Posting this from the grave:

Years ago I had a female German shepherd puppy named Shawna….one spring day, BAM, Shawna became a woman... The male dogs were, like, “I gather from the odor you are emitting that you are receptive to having sex with a male!” And Shawna was, like, “That is correct! I very much desire to be mounted from the rear ‘doggie-style’ and I do not care by whom!” This went on for several tense days. And then, BAM, Shawna was over it… and the males disappeared, and shortly thereafter Shawna was fixed and she never heard from the male dogs again, not even a postcard. Unfortunately, human sexuality does not work this way, except on Jersey Shore.