The College Football Czar's week 1 picks

If you're reading the College Football Czar’s week one picks, that must mean that yet another long summer of terrible TV is about to come to a merciful end. So – if you’ve become so starved for anything remotely sportslike that you’ve resorted to watching ESPN’s Nine for IX series, and pretended to like it ... If you’ve actually found yourself engaged in discussions about whether it’s fair for Wigan Athletic to be relegated after winning the FA Cup ... If you not only managed to sit through the entire Tennessee Orange-White Game, but you’ve spent the past four months grumbling that Orange got robbed ... If you are now dashing off an e-mail to correct the Czar by explaining that Orange was in fact victorious – then do not despair, for another exciting, fun-filled season of college football has arrived, not a moment too soon.

The Czar hereby extends a Lardhead of the Year Award to the Big Ten Network. During its Big Ten’s Greatest Games series, BTN routinely gives away the results before actually showing us what happened. When going to a commercial, the announcer will say, “Find out next whether the Hawkeyes were able to bounce back on the subsequent drive,” while the viewers watch a clip of Chuck Long throwing a touchdown pass. After the break, lo and behold, Long throws that very same TD to give Iowa the lead. What kind of a lardhead would make it anticlimactic by design? That’s like a station showing The Maltese Falcon and saying, “Coming up next, the statue turns out to be a fake.”

This next item is not eligible for a lardhead nomination because it does not directly involve college football, but the left-wing online publication Slate has announced that it will no longer print the name Washington Redskins, and like-minded rags New Republic and Mother Jones have followed suit. Heaven knows who looks to those magazines for their sports news anyway. The people who do must be the same manicured metrosexuals who actually go to Sport Clips in a misguided attempt to assert their virility. “How about if I watch the ball game while having my neck massaged and the tips of my hair frosted? Would that be a masculine thing to do?”

Unfortunately, we can’t laugh this off, because the mainstream sports media are run by these exact same kinds of liberal banana-brains. It’s only a matter of time before the networks start pixelating the helmet logos of all the Skins’ players while broadcasting the games. Perhaps the announcers will assign the team a new name in the form of a symbol, like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince. Then they could say something like, “… and our halftime score is, Giants 14, %#* 7.”

Don’t the editors of Mother Jones realize that within the next decade, “mother” will become a forbidden word also?

Anyway, this opening installment of picks will be considerably longer than those for most other weeks, owing to the high volume of televised games over the five days ending on Labor Day, and to the fact that the Czar has more time to devote to them than he will once the season is underway. So, without further ado …

This interconference matchup may seem like a natural, but the teams have only met once in the past 20 years. The Gamecocks won that game at Chapel Hill, 21-15 in 2007. The Heels hold a commanding 34-17-1 lead in the series, but they’ve only won five of the last 15.

When the Czar heard that the Cocks might be without Jadeveon Clowney, he feared that the dominant DE had been scooped up in the dragnet, and hauled away to the clown internment camp with all the others. Luckily he was able to convince the authorities that Clowney is his name, and not his occupation. Hence, he is available to play in this opener, albeit with an injured shoulder.

SC is determined to continue running the ball in the absence of Marcus Lattimore, who left early for the NFL after an injury-riddled three-year college career. Sophomores Mike Davis and Brandon Wilds are expected to share the load, with a little help from fleet-footed QB Connor Shaw.

Hats off to second-year Tarheel skipper Larry Fedora. Not only did he lead UNC to an 8-4 record – its best since 1997 – but his worth was proven at least as much by the disintegration of Southern Miss, from 12-2 under him in 2011, to 0-12 last season.

You know, if President Obama had a son, he would look like that clown in the Obama mask.

These teams last met to open the 2008 season in Piscataway, where the Bulldogs had the U of Jersey by the tail, in a 24-7 mauling that left the home team licking its wounds for half a season.

Senior FSU quarterback Derek Carr is far more polished than the chrome-domed QB of the Scarlet Knights. As Gary Nova went, so did RU in 2012, when they stumbled to a 9-4 finish after starting 7-0. Nova threw 15 touchdowns and 3 INTs through those first seven games, but only 7 TDs to 13 picks thereafter.

Tim DeRuyter’s Dogs went 6-0 at home last season, their only regular-season losses coming at Oregon, Tulsa and Boise State. They’ll be eager to take the field at Bulldog Stadium again, in part to wipe out the memories of last year’s Hawaii Bowl. Carr was dropped for a safety in that game, and gave up two late scores on interception returns, in a 43-10 blowout loss to SMU.

Rumor has it that the Scarlet Knights were actually the original Redskins. That’s because talcum powder can do little to counteract the effects of walking around in a suit of armor.

The Aggies lost coach Gary Andersen to Wisconsin during the offseason, but they’ve still got QB Chuckie Keeton, who led his team to an average of more than 44 points per game during a season-ending seven-game winning streak. Keeton passed for 216 yards in last year’s 27-20 overtime victory over the Utes, although he could have easily thrown for 220, 221, whatever it takes.

That constantly befuddled look on Dennis Erickson’s face will be more fitting than ever upon his arrival in Salt Lake City, where the former Miami, Oregon State and Arizona State head coach will be the new co-offensive coordinator, sharing his duties with ex-Ute quarterback Brian Johnson. The former QB coach, Johnson was hired as coordinator with much fanfare a year ago, and the Czar wonders if the team’s talent level gave him much of a chance to prove himself before being effectively demoted.

It’s a little-known fact that Utah isn’t really called the Beehive state. It’s the Behave State, so named for its intolerance of all that naughty alcohol and caffeine. There is plenty of good, wholesome fun to be had there, however, like flossing, and driving with your hands at 10 and 2. Granted, their neighbors to the West are better at drumming up tourism (slogan: “Vegas, Den of Iniquity!”). Then again, Utah’s slogan, “You’ll never meet Michael Buffer here” is a pretty effective selling point, too.

Last year, the Rebels led 23-6 in the third quarter, but lacked the running game necessary to wind down the clock. Vandy’s 27-26 comeback victory clinched that team’s second consecutive bowl bid, sending them to the postseason two years in a row for the first time in history.

Aside from that setback, Mississippi’s 7-6 record included losses to Alabama, LSU, Georgia, Texas A&M and Texas. Contrary to popular belief, not everybody in the SEC has to play that tough a schedule anymore.

Commodore QB Austyn Carta-Samuels is a former Wyoming Cowboy, who knows that you can’t put the cart before the horse. Ergo, Samuel must not be a horse. It’s a good thing, too, because it was already getting a little crowded in that uniform, what with the three of them in there.

The College Football Czar would like to apologize for the disoriented nature of the preceding paragraph. And so would I.

At the end of the 2007 season, the Golden Hurricane blew away BGSU 63-7 in the GMAC Bowl, the most lopsided game in bowl history. Of course, nobody on either team was around for that game, but the fans at Doyt-Perry Stadium would like to see the Falcons get revenge, by giving the visitors a Doyt nap.

Trey Watts may sound like a federally mandated light bulb, but the TU tailback must be smuggling some contraband wattage in order to provide as much power as he did last season. His 1,108 rushing yards led the team, with Ja’Terian Douglas adding another 936.

BG wide receiver Chris Gallon proved he’s not all hat last season, when the freshman made receptions in every single game, including a 10-catch, 213-yard performance against eventual division champ Kent State.

The Falcons started playing their home games on Field Turf in 2007, so there is no more doyt in The Doyt than there is beer in root beer. Hmmm. Root beer with beer in it? The Czar may have to invent that. But whatever would he call it?

On the opening Thursday of last season, the radiant rodents put a shiny finish on a 30-27 triple-overtime victory in the Silver State. The vast middle of the game wasn’t nearly as smooth, though. The Golden Gophers outgained Vegas by more than 200 yards that night, but prevented themselves from taking command by committing eleven penalties.

The Rebels don’t have much to brag about, but at least they can trumpet the return of senior tailback Tim Cornett. In that 3OT loss, Cornett ran for 127 yards, with a 5.1 yard per carry average that he would maintain throughout the season.

What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but when something happens in Minneapolis, they find out about it in Eau Claire – and the folks over there will never let you live it down. Don’t ask how the Czar knows this.

After last year’s 3-9 finish, the re-Rainbow-fied Warriors are looking for a new start, but firing the offensive coordinator less than a month before this opener is probably not what they had in mind. Head coach Norm Chow, who had his best success when calling plays at Southern Cal, will now take direct responsibility for the UH offense after dismissing Aaron Price, the son and former assistant to longtime Washington State and UTEP coach Mike Price. Aaron, who was only hired by Chow in February, supposedly left voluntarily, for family reasons. If the reason is that Chow told him to go home to his dad, does that count?

The Trojans were relieved of an awkward family situation themselves last year, when defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin retired from his son’s staff. Head coach Lane Kiffin has hired away Clancy Pendergast of the conference rival Cal Bears to take his father’s place.

Last season, SC quarterback Max Wittek was talked about as if he was the unquestioned heir to Matt Barkley. Perhaps he should have put more heir under the ball, then. Wittek was unable to move his offense in an avoidable loss to Notre Dame, and an embarrassing Sun Bowl defeat against Georgia Tech, so now he faces a challenge from fellow sophomore Cody Kessler.

Trojan wide receiver Marquise Lee says it’s “crazy” that his team has not settled on a starting QB, which is a bad sign for the upcoming season. Lots of teams wait until game time to decide a starter, and some continue the competition well into the season. It’s not a teammate’s place to question the coach’s decision about it.

By the way, “Marquess” is a title of nobility, ranking above an earl, but below a duke. “Marquise” is the feminine version of that, meaning something akin to a duchess. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, now that we’re in the re-Rainbow era.

Kliff Kingsbury makes his head coaching debut with the Red (gasp) Raiders (phew), the same team he quarterbacked from 1999 to 2002. Last season, he was the QB coach at Texas A&M, where Johnny Manziel became the first freshman to be awarded the Heisman. Figuring that the coach deserves some fraction of credit for that, the Czar has decided to nickname him Kliff Kfootball – the second “K” being silent, of course.

It had been assumed that the coach would go with sophomore Michael Brewer at quarterback, but Brewer has been slowed by a back injury, and has found himself in a competition with freshmen Davis Webb and Baker Mayfield.

Aside from a pair of upsets over TCU, the Mustangs have not fared well against their old foes from the defunct Southwest Conference. In their last 26 nonconference games against former SWC rivals, Southern Methodist is 2-24.

You can always tell a mustang when you see one, because those are the horses with red skin.

Okay, so a mustang actually has a brown coat, and not a red skin. So who are you, the equine police?

If you weren’t already aware of what a great job Bill O’Brien did in his first year at PSU, all you’d need to know is that August 5th was the deadline for players to transfer from the program without having to sit out a year, and the team suffered no more defections.

The Nittany Lions will probably remain undecided for a couple games between sophomore QB Tyler Ferguson and freshman flinger Christian Hackenburg, even if a starter for this game is formally announced. Unlike the team’s past QB controversies, this one is reportedly caused by both players performing well.

New Orange head coach Doug Shafer vows to keep his team playing offense at the same tempo as late last season. SU averaged 38 points over its last four games, which included an upset of Louisville and a Pinstripe Bowl blowout of West Virginia.

Hopefully, O’Brien isn’t the kind of coach to tell his players to “suck it up.” I mean, that would be easy for him to say, having a natural straw hole in his chin.

You read that right. It’s Georgia at Clemson, in front of 81,000 euphoric Tiger fans, not Georgia vs. Clemson, in an awkwardly atmosphere-free, neutral-site game at the Coma Dome.

The Tigers’ defense improved dramatically last season, but still gave up too many big plays. They’re not likely to improve in that area, with two new starting safeties, and a couple cornerbacks coming back from injuries.

The Bulldogs have got defensive problems of their own, with only three starters returning from last year’s unit. Their weakness is against the run, however, and it’s not clear whether anyone in the Tiger backfield besides QB Tajh Boyd can take advantage.

During the offseason, some lardheads vandalized Howard’s Rock, which Tiger players touch for luck on their way onto the field. Three suspects have been arrested, for allegedly having broken off a large chunk of the rock with some sort of a pick or hammer. What kind of a loser would be motivated to do such a thing? One whose pet rock ran away when he was a child?

Last year’s 7-6 record broke a string of eight straight double-digit win seasons for the Gobblers. That’s pretty impressive, considering that it’s been so long since that program has really been in its heyday. In particular, the uncanny special teams dominance that made them national contenders in the mid-to-late 90s has become a faded memory by now. Trying to explain “Beamer-ball” to fans under 30 is kind of like telling them about Space Invaders, TV dinners, and Vaudeville.

This isn’t the first time these teams have met in a season opener in the Georgia Dome. In 2009, the Tide took that game by a final of 34-24, giving them their first victory in a 14-0 national championship season.

Bama has put the College Football Czar in a bit of a pickle, in that the Czar has vowed to keep this a PG-rated publication. How, then, is he ever supposed to refer to starting safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix?

Ha Ha’s real first name is Ha’Sean. He could have just gone by Sean for short, but that wouldn’t be as good an ice-breaker at parties, so Ha Ha it is. As for his hyphenated last name, that’s just an unfortunate coincidence. Perhaps the Czar can clean things up a bit by translating Ha Ha’s name into an answer from The $100,000 Pyramid. “Crimson Tide defensive back Things Paula Jones Would Say” doesn’t have the same ring to it, but you know, it’s not that bad, either.

The last time these teams took the field was against each other, in the MAACO Las Vegas Bowl – or “MAACO Bowl Las Vegas,” if you insist on getting all Euro about it. The heavily underdogged Huskies rallied from an 18-3 deficit to take a late one-point lead, but it didn’t last very long. Bronco WR Shane Williams-Rhodes, then a freshman, returned the ensuing kickoff 47 yards to set up a last-minute field goal, and his team prevailed, 28-26.

Far from being on a neutral field, however, this rematch will be the first game in the newly renovated Husky Stadium. Don’t expect very many of those 72,500 tickets to be left available to BSU fans.

The biggest stars for the Broncs have typically been offensive players, but it’s been their stifling defense that has made them national contenders in recent years. This year could prove to be an exception, though, with no starting linebackers or corners remaining from last year’s club.

MAACO has withdrawn its sponsorship from “MAACO Bowl Las Vegas.” That game’s original sponsor was the city of Las Vegas. If it were to resume its sponsorship, would the game be called “Las Vegas Bowl Las Vegas?” That would probably go over well with the Eurofied fans of the team from Seattle. If they were invited back, they’d turn out in droves with their “Husky FC” scarves. They’d be sure to go home disappointed, though, because the game cannot end in a tie.

Rocket RB David Fluellen is kind of like Typhoid Mary, but not nearly as severe. Still, he made plenty of defenders sick last season, when he rushed for 1,498 yards and three TDs.

The Gators weren’t grinning after last season’s opener against UT’s rivals from Bowling Green, in which they finally prevailed 27-14, thanks largely to their opponents’ special teams miscues. Jeff Driskel won the UF starting quarterbacking job that day, but he hasn’t done that much with it. Only twice over the course of the 2012 season did he top the 200-yard mark.

The Rockets are wasting a trip by going to the Sunshine State, because NASA doesn’t do launch anymore. If only they changed their name to the Toledo Muslim Outreachers, they’d be in business.

Perhaps the greatest argument against NIU getting a BCS bid last season was that they lost their opener to the Hawkeyes, who went on to have their worst season in memory. The Huskies only mushed their way across Soldier Field for a total of 201 yards in that 18-17 defeat. It matters, however, that QB Jordan Lynch was making his first start that day, and that his 54 passing yards were 114 fewer than his next-lowest total of the season.

Midway through last season, coach Kirk Ferentz picked up his 100th win at Iowa, in a double-overtime victory over Michigan State. He will now try for 101, after losing his last six games to finish the year at 4-8.

NIU is located in DeKalb, which is just outside of Chicago. Last year’s foray into the Windy City may have been unsuccessful, but at least it made for interesting TV. With the super slo-mo, you could actually see the spiral on the occasional stray bullet.

Who says those SEC teams play such tough schedules? The Bulldogs went 8-5 last season, and the only winning Division I-A team they defeated was Middle Tennessee. Their other seven victims were Auburn, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Troy, South Alabama, and I-AA Jackson State. Once they ran into the top teams in their league, they were woefully unable to compete.

Mike Gundy is a few years past 40, but he’s still a man among Boys of Cow. During his eight seasons in Stillwater, his only losing record was in his rookie year. It took him until his fourth year to raise his career record above .500, but since then, he has gone 49-16.

This neutral-site game is being played at Houston’s Reliant Stadium, which has just installed the world’s biggest replay screen, demoting the one at Cowboys Stadium to second. Jerry Jones will counteract this emasculation by opening Evian bottles with his teeth.

Those who are baffled by coach Tommy Tuberville’s move to UC just haven’t been paying attention. Tuberville was a bad fit for Texas Tech, and would have probably just been fired after another year anyway. Fired coaches’ next jobs aren’t nearly as good as those of coaches who left on their own accord. The Bearcats probably wouldn’t have hired another school’s castoff, but give them a chance to hire a coach away from a Big XII team, and it adds prestige to their program.

The Boilermakers expected to compete last season, and they almost did. They might have stopped Notre Dame’s march to the championship game if not for some creative replay officiating, and they would have handed Ohio State its only loss, if they hadn’t made the mistake of injuring Buckeye QB Braxton Miller, and getting torched by backup Kenny Guiton on a last-minute drive.

This is the Bearcats’ last season in Nippert Stadium as it is now configured. In 2014, they will be temporarily displaced into Paul Brown Stadium, but then they will return. They’re just sending the old gal out for a little Nippert Tuck. Debbie Boone had one of those, you know.

This is a neutral-site game from Cowboy Stadium in Arlington, which stinks for all of the usual reasons.

If you want to know why there’s skepticism toward dominant small-conference teams, you needn’t to look any further than Texas Christian. The Horned Frogs could often beat the best teams in the major conferences, when they only had to get up for three or four big games a year. In their Big XII debut, when they had to be ready for a battle on an almost weekly basis, they fell to 7-6. Utah’s experience since joining the Pac 12 has been much the same.

The rest of the Tigers’ nonconference schedule consists of UAB, Kent State and I-AA Furman. That’s even weenier than last year. Same old SEC, all arrogance and no pride.

On a related topic, one of Louisiana State’s new starting defensive tackles is Ego Ferguson. So there’s no I in team, but there is an Ego on the defensive line. How will coach Les Miles talk his way around that one?

The Wildcats are one Big Ten team that doesn’t often tangle with Pac (enter quantity here) opponents. The last time they did, they got toasted in a home-and-home against Arizona State, in 2004-05.

Former Louisiana Tech coach Sonny Dykes shouldn’t have much of a problem opening up an underachieving Golden Bear offense, but it may be a couple years before he can solidify their disintegrating D. In the meantime, Cal should really try to avoid offensively prolific nonconference opponents like the Cats.

Sonny Dykes is the son of former Texas Tech coach Spike Dykes. The great thing about having a dad named Spike is that you get to call him Dad, and not Spike. The elder Dykes is in a less enviable position, having to actually address his son as Sonny, but that’s of his own doing. He buttered his bread, and now he can sleep in it.

The Cavaliers certainly aren’t taking their nonconference schedule lightly. All four of those games may be at home, but they open against BYU and Oregon, and then face a dangerous Ball State team in early October.

Cougar wide receiver Cody Hoffman is poised to shatter current 49er Austin Collie’s team records for career receptions, yards and touchdowns. This, despite the uncharacteristic instability at quarterback in Provo during Hoffman’s career.

Cavs’ coach Mike London is trying to add some aggression to his defense by bringing in coordinator Jon Tenuta, who has previously held the same position at Georgia Tech and Notre Dame. Jon is no relation to alleged comedienne Judy Tenuta, although Tim McCarver would probably still find him funny.

Heisman-winning quarterback Johnny Manziel is under investigation for allegedly selling autographs, which would be an obvious violation of NCAA rules. Perhaps he simply thought that the ability of an SEC player to write his own name is something that ought to be rewarded.

The Owls return a veteran squad that finished last year’s 7-6 campaign on a five-game winning streak, culminating in a 33-14 rout of Air Force in the Armed Forces Bowl. Surprisingly, that only makes this their third-longest winning streak in the past decade.

One of the many great traditions at A&M is its mounted cavalry. Say, that reminds the College Football Czar of the theme to F Troop, especially that one part. You remember how it goes.

If the two big Bama schools play in the Iron Bowl, this game could be referred to as the Bedpan. What it lacks in prestige, however, it makes up for in competitiveness. Since this series began in 2002, each team has won four times, with three games being decided by a single point each.

The Trojans trudged to a 39-29 victory last year, thanks to 204 rushing yards for Shawn Southward. Unfortunately for them, Southward was then a senior, and is now gone, along with TSU’s next two most productive backs.

Last year, Darrin Reaves became only the second Blazer running back to ever rush for 1,000 yards in a season. Not coincidentally, they’ve only made one postseason appearance in their 18-year existence. That was in 2004, when the magic dragons went to the land of Honolulu. They lost to the Hawaii Warriors 59-40, but they omitted that part from the song, figuring it was sad enough already.

A year ago, the Razorbacks lost to the Ragin’ Cajuns’ rivals from Louisiana-Monroe, 34-31 in overtime. One might presume that they’ll be better without hastily hired interim coach John L. Smith, but how will the square peg that is new coach Bret Bielema fit into the round hole that Smith left behind?

ULL’s only loss in its past six games was last November at Florida, when a decisive score on a last-second blocked punt sank them at the Swamp, 27-20. The victories they’ve accumulated since then have included a 43-34 win over East Carolina in the New Orleans Bowl.

The Cajuns have won their first two bowl games in consecutive seasons. Before that, the school’s biggest athletic success had come on the baseball diamond, but those days are over. How does the Czar know that? “No Pepper Games.”

The school that famously invented the pistol offense visits the team that infamously failed to imitate it. Bruin coach Jim Mora has since returned that program to a more conventional offense, and the great UNR innovator Chris Ault has re-retired, after going 70-46 during his second stint. Overall, Ault was 95-56 in Division I, and 233-109-1 including Divisions I-AA and II, all with this same Wolf Pack program.

The Bruins no longer run the pistol, but they still rely on their ground game, and it’s doubtful that they have anybody capable of replacing Jonathan Franklin. Their only experienced back is junior Jordan James, who gained 215 yards on 61 carries last season, for a modest 3.5 per-carry average.

So what does the R in “UNR” stand for? Nothing. They only added it so that they wouldn’t be associated with those limpwristed milksops at the United Nations.

An old rivalry is rekindled as the one-time MAC powerhouse Thundering Herd, now in Conference USA, hosts the team formerly known as the Something-Somethings.

The Red, um, Hawks – yeah, that’s the ticket – are supposedly doomed by the departure of prolific QB Zac Dysert. However, it was this year’s starter, Austin Boucher, who was behind center when they rallied their way to the 2010 MAC championship, while Dysert was injured.

The moo-men have still got their star slinger, Raheem Cato, who led all of Division I-A last season with over 350 passing yards per game. Actually, they could stand to make him do a little less this year. The Herd was 0-4 in 2012 whenever Cato attempted more than 50 passes. This rivalry is intensified by the suspicion by each team that the other has stolen its helmet logo, thus making them natural M-enies.

This peculiar neutral-site game is being played out-of-state in Nashville, so that residents of that city can pretend to give a flying crap about Kentuckians. Kind of like Ashley Judd.

The Hilltoppers introduce their new coach Bobby Petrino, who replaces popular alumnus and former QB Willie Taggart, now the head man at South Florida. Petrino is hopefully being held to the Roethlisberger Rule, which is “put the motorcycle away.” Oh, and also stop doing anything else Ben used to do, while you’re at it.

The Wildcats lost last year’s meeting, 32-31 in overtime, and that was early in the season when they were playing well, right after they clobbered Kent State. Starting with that game, they’ve lost their last nine against Division I-A competition.

If WKU mascot Big Red does not look familiar to you, that’s because his kind is thought to be on the brink of extinction. Back before the turn of the 20th Century, they were popular hunting targets for the woodsmen down there in Appalachia, who traditionally wore Big Red skin coats to the football games.

The Sooner’s QB competition got a little simpler, but not in a way that Coach Stoops would like, when sophomore Kendal Thompson suffered a broken foot on the first day of fall practice. In his absence, Trevor Knight will get the nod over Blake Bell for this opener.

There’s no doubt who’s starting at ULM, where Kolton Browning returns for his senior year, already having amassed more than 8,000 career passing yards. If not for a foot injury of his own that caused Browning to sit out losses to Louisiana-Lafayette and Arkansas State, the Warhawks would have walked away with the 2012 Sun Belt title.

The belligerent birds are always spoiling for a good fight. This year, they face three opponents from what may still be termed “BCS conferences.” That makes 24 games against big-league foes in eight seasons.

“Oklahoma” is a Choctaw word meaning “red people,” by which they meant people with red skin. What a hostile and abusive people those Choctaw must be.

The Mean Green once sat in the Sun Belt’s catbird seat, but it now leaves that conference with its tail between its legs, after eight consecutive non-competitive seasons. Consequently, they’re the only ones who know what a catbird’s tail really looks like. If that’s discouraging, what about the fact that they’re now taking a step up to Conference USA, and taking on a road schedule that includes Georgia, Tulsa, Louisiana Tech and Ohio?

The Vandals’ new coach is Paul Petrino, the brother of Western Kentucky’s Bobby Petrino. Paul has no known reason to be held to the Roethlisberger Rule, just for the record. That’s a good thing, because he could stand to issue some motorbikes to his defenders, who gave up the third-most points in the nation last year. UNT can run rings around them, but unfortunately, they won’t get much closer to the goal line that way. Dan McCarney’s offense scored more than 24 points on only two occasions in 2012.

Idaho is best known for its russet potatoes, but if you want potatoes for boiling, they also grow lots of those great little red-skinned ones up there. Just in case you were curious.

Former Auburn tailback Michael Dyer has joined the Cardinals on short notice, and is eligible to play this season. That’s because Dyer sat out last year while following coach Gus Malzahn to Arkansas State, but decided not to play there after Malzahn returned to Auburn. The junior, who was suspended for the 2012 Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl for smoking pot, has assured U of L coach Charlie Strong that he’s clean, and has remained in playing shape during his absence.

That very well may be true, but one wonders why Strong would take such a chance on disrupting a team that practically everyone considers to be the runaway favorite in the American Athletic Conference. Senior RB Dominique Brown, who has worked to overcome a knee injury in expectation of being the starter this year, tweeted about Dyer that, “everyone wants to hyped [sic] this guy up all I kno [sic] is my boys and I AINT [sic] GOT NO WORRIES,” his “boys” being the other running backs already on the Cards’ roster. This is not likely to end well.

OU quarterback Tyler Tettleton is the son of former major-league catcher Mickey Tettleton, who played for the A’s, Orioles, Tigers and Rangers. It’s too bad he never got traded to Cincinnati. That would have made Tyler a Red’s kin.

Invesco Field hosts its tenth Rocky Mountain Showdown, with Colorado holding a 6-3 lead in games played at that venue. The Buffaloes had won the past four meetings in Denver until last season, when the CSU defense stymied them, 22-17.

CU went 1-11 last season, including a loss to Division I-AA Sacramento State. This year’s team is basically the same. The only reason one might expect a better outcome is the hiring away of San Jose State coach Mike MacIntyre.

Former NFL linebacker Joey Porter returns to Fort Collins as an assistant coach while he completes his degree. The question is whether he can help teach the Ram defenders some fundamentals, or only to mimic his obnoxious celebratory antics.

As long as we’re cleansing the game of politically incorrect team nicknames, why, in this era of concussion awareness, can a school name its players after animals that do battle by bashing their heads against each other? That’s two NFL teams down, 28 to go.

The ACC has put out the red carpet for one if its new members in this high-profile Labor Day opener. The fans at Heinz Field are hoping their Panthers don’t get rolled up in it and dumped in the Ohio River.

The U of Pittsburgh has been placed in the ACC’s Coastal division, which is only fitting, since they play on the “North Shore,” of town, as the signage around the stadium indicates. Mind you, football fans in this city still ridicule ex-Steeler QB Bubby Brister for complaining that “the wind blows in from the lake” at home games on the Three Rivers. But since he made that remark, the city has officially determined that rivers have shores? Bubby has et crawdads with more brains than the people who have governed the Iron City since his playing days.

Don’t be surprised if the Seminoles end up not missing former QB and first-round NFL draft pick E.J. Manuel all that much. Freshman Jameis Winston so impressed the coaches in spring camp that he prompted Manuel’s very capable backup, Clint Trickett, to transfer to West Virginia.

One of these teams has a mascot that has been the subject of controversy over the years, although the Czar is at a loss to understand why. After all, everyone knows that the Panthers have beige fur.

Where is your prediction for the UT San Antonio at New Mexico game? My beloved Lobos are going to suprise alot of people this season. Bob Davie has already erased the memory of that snake oil salesman massquarading as a coach in Mike Locksley. The Lobos return one of the best RBs in the country in Kasey Carrier. UNM 35, UTSA 13.

2 posted on 08/26/2013 7:31:51 PM PDT by sean327 (God created all men equal, then some become Marines!)

Labor Day can't get here soon enough.

Go Noles!

Trojan wide receiver Marquise Lee says it’s “crazy” that his team has not settled on a starting QB...By the way, “Marquess” is a title of nobility, ranking above an earl, but below a duke. “Marquise” is the feminine version of that, meaning something akin to a duchess. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, now that we’re in the re-Rainbow era.

Take all the shots you want at the SEC, but seven titles in a row talks louder.

I don’t think the Georgia Clemson game will be so high scoring might expect more of a defensive battle. Maybe a 23-17 type game. As for VT-Alabama I would not expect that to be much of a game. Alabama by about 40 points.

6 posted on 08/26/2013 8:01:18 PM PDT by fkabuckeyesrule (So is Chelsea now one of Rush Limbaugh's all time fav transgendered names?)

I can’t wait for week 3. Alabama vs A&M!

Great Comment:

“Heisman-winning quarterback Johnny Manziel is under investigation for allegedly selling autographs, which would be an obvious violation of NCAA rules. Perhaps he simply thought that the ability of an SEC player to write his own name is something that ought to be rewarded.”

8 posted on 08/26/2013 8:20:56 PM PDT by where's_the_Outrage? (Held my nose to vote.)

UAB over Troy!!!! First time I’ve ever heard anybody say UAB could win. GO BLAZERS!!!

If Johnny plays, it’s going to be a great game.

10 posted on 08/26/2013 9:50:21 PM PDT by VerySadAmerican (When you vote for evil because you can't see evil, you ARE evil.)

My son is a sophomore at A&M and gets to go to the game. I am so jealous!

And LSU and Alabama will be the usual war too.

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