An Oldie, but a Goodie..........

http://www.tealdragon.net ^ | From way back in the 80's?.....or 70's? | Unknown

[Red Badger]

M E M O

To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Revised layoff policy

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the plan, planners will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who are willing to code 80 hours a week for the company.

Therefore, a program to phase out all planners by the end of the current fiscal year, via layoff, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire All Planners Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual layoff takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If employees follows the above procedure, they will be entitled to HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to the assure remaining employees that the company will continue its policy of ensuring that employees are well trained through Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If an employee feels that not enough SHIT is received on the job, an appointment should be made with the appropriate first line manager. First line managers are empowered to ensure that employees receive all the SHIT they can stand.

M E M O

To: All Employees From: Management

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPped will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are SLAPped, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPped or SCREWed may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPoed once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, they will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless they already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPped or SCREWed by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

(Please see our previously issued memo on SHIT for more information.)

[Red Badger]

Brings back memories of when this kind of stuff was rolling off every Xerox machine in the country.....

[massgopguy]

Then there was the position of Head Of Training for SHIT, known as HOT SHIT.

[pgkdan]

I had a copy that was faxed on thremographic paper that finally just faded away...

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

I believe he reported to the Boss In General of Special High Intensity Training (BIG SHIT).