I wouldn’t want somebody making me leave my home. He doesn’t either.
My mom is 82 and said for years that she wanted to live in her house until she dies or decides to leave. Fine. And now her house is for sale and she has plans to move on. It was her decision to make.
Sounds like an excellent decision made by you and your siblings. Now you can visit him in peace. Who knows, without all the wise words coming from yall about why he should move, etc., he may finally decide he’s ready on his own, but if he doesn’t it’s ok. It’s a hard time in our lives when our parents get old.
At 82 let the man finish out his days as he wishes. Been in the same situation with an elderly parent so I just helped to the extent allowed and enjoyed the time I had with them.
That is his home. Why don’t you try to help him do the things he’s no longer capable of doing himself?
It’s a tough problem that a lot of us face.
How about you and your siblings going together to pay for the basic repairs that would make the house safe for him to live in. At age 82, he probably wants to stay where he is. Unless the neighborhood itself has became a dangerous place, of course.
Experiencing the same thing.
My dad loves his home, even as it decays around him, it holds memories.
I try to think of how I would feel in the same situation.
I would want to stay as long as it didn’t fall on top of me.
Let it be HIS decision and you and your siblings can rest easy.
As long as he’s functional and capable and reasonably comfortable, it’s best to leave it to him. He’ll leave when he’s ready, if ever.
Just keep your eye out for him failing to be able to care for himself, that’s probably the main issue.
taking the pressure off him to move could be the very thing that gives him the ability to make the decision on his own. people naturally resist doing stuff when they really don’t want to yet. he could also die tomorrow totally happy in his home, too. and he’d be happy to have done so.
Been there. Your Dad is an adult. This is his decision - no one elses. The best thing you and your siblings could have done would have been to help with the repairs and maintainance.
Glad to hear that you are going to back off and help.
The ending was good, and absolutely correct. As long as Dad can still feed himself and handle bathroom business by himself, leave him be. I’m getting up there myself and am starting to think about this stuff.
I have seen this a thousand times: when well-meaning adult children remove an elderly parent from his or her beloved home against his will, depression follows, and death is on the horizon. Leave him alone. Let him stay in his house, go to Mass, see the people at his church. How does it harm you if he does so? He’s an adult; let him decide how he wishes to conduct his life. You don’t have the legal or moral right to interfere.
I must add that I’m beyond horrified you would even consider calling the health department as some sort of deception and manipulation to force your father to live the way you want him to live. What has he done to you that you would wish to remove him from the memory of his beloved wife and take from him the home and life he loves? What cruelty!
Why doesn’t this jackass help his Dad fix up the place his Dad earned?
First, was to close off any unneeded areas of the home. Old bedrooms, a second bathroom which was in poor repair. In our case, it was converting a den into a bedroom, and re-adjusting the living room. Unused items were moved to the sealed off areas of the home, heating ducts closed, to reduce the drain on the bills to maintain comfort in areas where no one was staying.
There was a lot of resistance to this, and eventually, it was agreed that those were still the bedrooms of the children, and they could keep their doors locked if they wanted to. The hardest was the garage areas, but by moving unneeded furniture into this area, it effectively ‘closed’ it off.
The second agreement was weekly visits by a housekeeper to handle various chores and one sit down meal. That was less hard - after all, who relishes cleaning toilets? We had contacted my father's church, spoken with the priest, and found an appropriate person that our father knew who would be willing to take on the job.
Honestly, the best solution is that if one of you is in the position to, returning home to live with your father with their family. But that does not sound like a possible solution, as it wasn't in our case either.
By focusing the attention on a smaller living space, we were able to upgrade living conditions, reduce clutter, and add in some safety features - handrails in the shower, non-slip flooring, handrails next to the toilet.
The one ‘sit down’ meal a week required supplies my father wouldn't have on hand, so the housekeeper would handle the weekly shopping, dispose of any outdated food in the fridge, and leave leftovers for a follow on meal.
Between those, myself and my siblings would make calls, kids would talk to grandpa. We used Skype for video calling, though today you can use a very modest tablet which requires virtually no skill for anyone to use.
The extra, constant attention helped draw our father back from the edge, and he took a lot of steps to improve how he lived his life. Eventually he opened up that he resisted visits as he felt like he was a stranger intruding into someone else’s life, whereas the constant communication and interaction from the compromise brought him back into the fold.
Regrettably, my father isn't still with us today, but I hope our experiences will help you. It sounds like you've got a great starting point - his church - to work with. I hope you work out your own compromise and that your family home once again rings regularly with the laughter of family.
She is now in the adult living apartment, but her baby brother has recently had to go to a nursing home. She refuses to go herself, but really should due to her heart condition, among other things.
By the way, part of the reason she will not go is that she does not want to give up her freedom, which includes driving on a daily basis. She drives to the mall, grocery store, her appointments. One would say God bless her...let her do what she wants. Well, she is 98 now, and cannot hear or see well. She will not wear her glasses. She just drove to the store in a snow storm the other day, against our wishes. She has had fender benders in the past, and it is just a matter of time that she has another accident. I fear for others in her way.
Her 4 children don't have the courage to take the keys away. She has always been the boss, and it would be a fight. She renewed her license in person last year at age 97 as she had to get a new picture. They praised her for being the age she is and did not even test her. They actually encouraged her to drive. We could not believe it as we thought this would be the end when they would deny her a license. There should be a law for mandatory testing at a certain age. I may just write the governor about it.
There is a time for everything, including how long one should be left to live alone, and how long one must be allowed to drive. I pray that when I am older, I will have the wisdom to know when it is time to give up certain things.
Michigan's back east? Who knew. ahahah
(My dad is buried there)
We had the same problem different parish: Saint Ambrose.
My sister an RN decided to move in with him. He gets testy but its working out.
Leave Dad ALONE. He is at peace and happy and, as you noted later, is with the memories of the woman he loved. He likes where he is. Why should he move because you and your siblings are upset.
If he doesn’t have proper plumbing or heating you need to get the repairs done to care for him properly. You need to make sure he is living in a decent environment. If its clutter, why not help him on a very small scale. Maybe he’d accept an afternoon of gathering up the bowling trophies, or organizing the kitchen. Then wait a while before suggesting the next declutter project.
Keep him in charge of his life as long as he can manage, but yes, you can make sure the basic needs of shelter are met.
Going through this now with a dad with Alzheimer’s and a mom who is insisting on no help. Big sigh. It’s hard. Ironically, her reasons for being so stubborn when everyone knows she can’t do this alone are always to not be a burden on her kids. But this is causing her to be a heavy burden on us! I hope I am far easier on my kids and will accept at least minimum help to let them not worry as much.