Posted on 01/27/2011 5:20:12 PM PST by metmom
The document recognizing the legality of a marriage is a marriage license, not a bill of sale.
Ooo, now that’s more feasible.
Likewise from the female perspective.
The problem is, however, that there are more females than males at that age, so even if every single male got married, there would still be women without a husband.
And some of the men who are still single at that age, are often single for a reason - they’re creepers.
*sigh*
I’ve known some truly wonderful people, men and women, who have been single well into their 30’s and for the life of me cannot figure out why they can’t find a spouse.
Then I see losers like my ex-s-i-l who went through three husbands and still found some idiot who was willing to be number four, and I’ll tell you, she was NO prize. That one didn’t last either.
Life is NOT fair.
See post 62. They're too young for my girls.
Look at it this way - your statement about women would be like me saying that every man over the age of 30 in the United States wants either a 20 year old air headed trophy wife or a foreign woman who couldn't possibly support herself so she is totally dependent on him like a slave.
Wouldn't that make you feel like I thought you didn't have enough sense to want a woman who could talk to you about politics or understand science or history. Or that you didn't have the confidence to marry a woman who had an IQ above room temp?
I understand. I have a sister who’s been married once (and still is), has kids, and is doing just fine. By my standards, I would tell anyone that I know not to marry her - and be dead wrong.
My point is, even though I did a lousy job of communicating it, that I look at marriage as a probability game (i.e., a lottery). And no matter how much you think you know the person that you’re about to marry...you don’t. The system is rigged for her to scram with the kids and then collect money from the loser husband. So the temptation and opportunity will always be there - and the question then becomes what is the cost to her? If her friends and family consists of people who have scrammed and taken the dough, then it becomes very easy to do the same. On the other had, if she comes from the ‘old country’ where people were expected to marry once and stick it out, it gets much harder to scram when things get rocky.
In my case, my wife is from the ‘old country’ and her 6 siblings have all been married to the same person and are still married to the same person after 20+ years. What does that mean for me - it means that she put up with a LOT of crap that no American woman would have stood for (there’s a reason it took me to age 30 just to have a girlfriend) - but we got through (and no, I didn’t cheat...just wouldn’t have ‘measured up’ to feminist standards). In any case, we’re past that and doing ok.
So I’m sorry for the American women that I might be hurting. I don’t really blame them - as we’re all products of our environment and there are lots of excellent ones out there - but until our system treats marriage as something to protect, it is VERY RISKY for any guy, particularly if he makes decent money, to risk it in this way.
I know many couples who have never divorced, gone through rocky situations (financial, illness or family matters) and have never even considered divorce. My own husband is from a broken home yet his siblings are all happily married and not divorced. I came from a story book home yet both of my siblings have been divorced. There isn't a rule book - some people are selfish or childish or change as they mature. Some can work it out together, some can't. But to say the risk is all on the man is wrong. Women risk too - some make more money than their husbands, or perhaps one person gives more emotionally and risks that failure. The children risk losing stability and trust.
You seem to focus mostly on money - do you not realize that most women with children don't come away from a divorce rolling in money - most have to downsize considerably and go to work if they were stay at home Moms. The children lose not only the foundation of family they have known, and their home, but often lose the time they had with their mother as well. And add only seeing Dad every other weekend, or whatever, to the mix and I feel more sorry for the children than the selfish adults who couldn't work it out or made a bad decision to marry that person in the first place.
I’ll start with the kids. If they mattered, then no divorce - EVER (except for violence). I’m a big fan of Dr. Laura’s and I know full well what it means to kids to have parents walk out. Yet parents do it anyway...and then rationalize that the kids are better with split parents - so both (husband and wife) get the blame in my book. Now, if you look at (non-Hispanic) immigrant families and the fact that they are much more likely to stay together, and then the kids almost always do very well in school, even if they sometimes haven’t even mastered English...there is a correlation. As a guy who prefers to be married just once...that means a lot.
As to my point of view - sure it’s jaded. But when most of my friends have been divorced and many taken to the cleaners, and many other never wanting to play the lottery, I will get a jaded viewpoint. But that is my point, and the overall numbers bear that out. I don’t really care if it’s the woman’s fault for a divorce, or the guy’s, or both. All that matters to me is whether there is a divorce - and what can I do, as I guy, to minimize that possibility. And, like it or not, going halfway around the world to find a wife is probably the single best insurance possible. While I’m sure they’re out there, I have yet to see a mixed marriage of that type end in divorce.
As to knowing couples that have gotten through tough times, no doubt. As noted before, it’s simply a probability game - in a country that has a 50% divorce rate (which I see first-hand), there are also 50% of couples that make it (although skewed somewhat my immigrant-based marriages), so sure, there are plenty of happy endings in mainstream America - I know some too (of course).
Yes, the money is a piece of it. One guy I know just moved to Australia, permanently, as his ex totally cleaned his clock and he absolutely no future here. Get a bad judge...and it’s game over - so you have to play the probability game and do your best to never be in front of a judge. From the woman’s standpoint - they have legal bills too, they have to deal with non-payments, they have the expenses of the kids. But for some women, wiping out the ex makes it all worth it - again, you only find that out when it’s too late - so why take the chance?
I saw that. I have an 11 year old and 4 year old daughter. Raising them to be wives and mothers and if they choose a career that it will work with their husbands’ so that they can be helpmates. It saddens me to see young married couples going off in different directions to pursue different dreams and goals.
I look at my family on both sides and there are no wusses in any of the females on either my side or mr. mm’s side.
They are all strong minded and strong willed women, independent and capable of supporting themselves if need be.
And with the exception of my one brother with his first loser wife, everyone is still married to their first spouse and that’s out of seven marriages.
Well, nine including our parents who never got divorced either.
You think women from Eastern Europe stay in an American marriage longer due to their customs or beliefs back home. I think it could have more to do with being treated like a second class citizen here by their husbands or their fear of not being able to support themselves. Probably both viewpoints have some validity.
I still think that marriage should be based on love and respect - and if you go shopping for a bride in another country then you are buying her based on her appearance, not on the values marriage should have as a foundation. If she has put up with whatever you claim she had to deal with, then congratuations - you found one that either came to love you or depends on you completely to the point of putting up with more than an American woman would put up with. That statement should have stood out to you even as you typed it - the fact that it doesn't is very sad.
Yea, I am certainly a loser and my dumb immigrant wife has no choice but to stay wedded to me.
Even so, that works - and keeps society stable (or at least our household). I have a lot more to show at this point in my life than my divorced friends, or never-married friends - so I don’t mind a few jabs regarding the airhead that I married.
But needless to say, I will continue to advise EVERYONE that I can to STAY AWAY FROM AMERICAN WOMEN...unless they want to greatly increase the odds of having a life filled with drama and legal bills (which most don’t).
Anyway, not that many people listen to me, so don’t worry so much about it - but on the other hand, a heck of a lot of successful career men have figured out (on their own) what I advise, and live happy lives for it.
And for that matter, how do you know that other (american) women haven't also going through difficult times in their marriages and stayed? You seem to have a lot of male friends who couldnt' keep a marriage together so they blame their wives. How much of it was their fault?
Blaming American women for the divorce rate is as stupid as attibuting sustained marriage on marrying a foreigner - some marriages work, and some don't - but you want to blame bad marriage on women when you already admitted you were not respectful of your own wife in your marriage.
You’re welcome to try to make it about me, and that’s fine, I have thick skin and so does my airhead wife (I check, she’s cool with me saying it, anonymously).
I just point the facts and there are two as far as I’m concerned: (1) A marriage to someone from a culture that still values marriage has a MUCH HIGHER chance of success. (2) I am in what we both consider to be a happy marriage because that culture encouraged my wife to stick it out...and we BOTH came out ahead because of it. It’s a shame that generally doesn’t hold for domestic women.
Again, you treated your wife like crap and were lucky she stayed. Most self respecting women would not have. You are totally obsessed with denigrating American women and it is very telling of your character. I would like to thank you for marrying a foreigner though - and saving one of my fellow Americans from your controlling and bitter attitude, of course that is assuming you would have been able to get a wife without buying her.
Whatever. Anyway, nice discussion. I think your escalating personal comments pretty much prove my point about American women. I wish you the best and I don’t see any reason to change my advice to people that wish to have stable, happy, marriages.
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