Disturbing Christmas Specials

QuickDFW | 12/15/05 | Gordon Keith

[Maximus of Texas]

I watched that 1964 Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer claymation special again recently. What a freaking nightmare of poor lessons and childhood terror.

First of all, Rudolph is hated, even by his parents, because of his specialness. So he does what any vulnerable prepubescent male would do: He befriends a gay elf suggestively named "Hermey."

Hermey and Rudolph then begin hanging around a bearded prospector named Yukon Cornelius, who tests the ground for gold by throwing a pick ax in the air, letting it fall randomly, and then going to town on it by licking the blade as if it were a Democratic president.

Even as a kid I knew that something wasn't right about all of this. I felt uncomfortable whenever Rudolph and Hermey would exchange pregnant glances, and downright dirty when Yukon would deep throat the cold pick ax. But this was all OK, because the show bore the title of "children's entertainment."

So let us survey other lesser but equally disturbing children's Christmas specials from my youth, and you tell me if we are warping our children.

The Day Rudolph Died: This Christmas classic follows the story of Rudolph in hospice care after living a very full life on the club scene. The most memorable moment to my young mind was seeing a broken and tearful Rudolph imploring other young reindeer to "not be like me."

Frosty's Christmas Revenge: An erstwhile lovable Frosty breaks out of drug rehab in search of a fix and inexpensive companionship. Most memorable moment? Frosty's touching soliloquy to the dead hooker.

Santa vs. the Devil: Santa betrays his friend the Devil by stealing his collection of network broadcaster souls. The Devil chases a clearly scared Santa around the world to "cut out his black heart." Most memorable moment? The awkward love scene between the two former rivals.

Ted Nugent's Reindeer-Slaying Christmas: According to Ted, Christmas means family, gifts and a whole lot of blood. Most memorable moment? When Nugent dons a freshly harvested reindeer cape and prances around to "Joy to the World."

How the Grinch Stole My Husband: This inner-city gem traces a confusing love triangle gone sour. Most memorable moment? A slumped and bleeding Grinch nodding off while John Amos repeatedly yells "Don't you die on me, man!" as sirens approach. I learned the importance of monogamy and the dangers of STDs from this cautionary tale, all at the age of 3.

As you can see, given my exposure to such children's entertainment, it is a wonder that I have turned out to be the well-adjusted, unimaginative adult my parole officer enjoys today.

[Maximus of Texas]

[Jersey Republican Biker Chick]

"How the Grinch Stole My Husband: This inner-city gem traces a confusing love triangle gone sour. Most memorable moment? A slumped and bleeding Grinch nodding off while John Amos repeatedly yells "Don't you die on me, man!" as sirens approach. I learned the importance of monogamy and the dangers of STDs from this cautionary tale, all at the age of 3.

All followed by "A Very Springer Christmas" no doubt.

[EX52D]

You want "disturbing"?

[Forest Keeper]

First of all, Rudolph is hated, even by his parents, because of his specialness. So he does what any vulnerable prepubescent male would do: He befriends a gay elf suggestively named "Hermey."

Gay Dentist Ping

[Fierce Allegiance]

Want disturbing? Check out A Charlie Brown Kwanzaa!

Every warning you can think of applies! Don't click it if you are even remotely sensitive.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/charliebrownkwanza.html

[EX52D]

[Fierce Allegiance]

That definitely fits the "disturbing" category.

[EX52D]

I aim to please...

[LongElegantLegs]

How about The Godfather saves Christmas? The touching story of Don Corleone's trip around the world filling the stockings of good little children with oranges and AKs, and leaving bleeding animal parts for the bad? Most touching moment: Whan Timmy the parapalegic renounces naughtiness after finding Buster the Bunny's entrails decking the hall outside his bedroom.

[Forest Keeper]

Every warning you can think of applies!

You win the Truth in Advertising Award. The most disturbing part was how many times I laughed!

[Zacs Mom]

BTW, welcome to FR ~
it's always good to see a fellow Texan milling about ....
well, it's usually good .....

Well, at any rate, here's a proper seasonal greeting for ya ...

[Charles Henrickson]

From the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement Christmas special, "Hermey the Non-Breeding Dentist":

WE'RE MALTHUSIAN MISFITS
Tune: "We're a Couple of Misfits"

We're Malthusian misfits,
Hate-the-human-race misfits,
Let-disaster-hit misfits--
Humans don't fit in!

We're not loco or loony
Like a-bat-from-the-moony;
We won't rest till we're puny--
Humans don't fit in!

We may be
Different from the main,
Go against the grain
Of what is really sane.

We're Malthusian misfits,
Hate-the-human-race misfits,
Let-disaster-hit misfits--
Humans don't fit in!

Why am I anti-social?
I am so self-reproachful!
Lower-than-low cock-a-roach-ful--
Why don't I fit in?

Why am I misanthropic?
Is it my special topic?
Give me drugs psychotropic--
Why don't I fit in?

We may be
Different from the main,
Go against the grain
Of what is really sane.

We're Malthusian misfits,
Hate-the-human-race misfits,
Let-disaster-hit misfits--
Humans don't fit in!

[blackie]

[Moleman]

Hogwash. Both Rudolph and Santa are drunks. Rosey cheeks and noses on both of them.

[kevkrom]

Frightening enough "real" movie: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

[Maximus of Texas]

You're one sick puppy, LEL.

I like it.

[fnord]

that is the funniest thing I've seen in years!

[nuke rocketeer]

Where's the wad of chaw in the Texas Santa's cheek? And a brown spot on the snow where he spits?

[GodBlessRonaldReagan]

In defense of Yukon Cornelius...there's a scene that was cut from the final product where Yukon licks his pickaxe and yells "Eureka!" He's finally found the peppermint mine he was looking for. Without this scene, the pickaxe-licking does seem a bit perverse....