Democrat Proposal for the Reorganization of the Armed Forces (vanity)

I wrote this piece of political satire back in the wake of the Abu Ghraib scandal and have refined it since. I've shared it with close friends and family members, but I thought the Freepers might get a kick out of it too. Enjoy!

Proposed Reorganization of the Armed Forces of the United States of America by a Taskforce of Progressive, Congressional Democrats With additional input from France, Germany, Spain, and Canada.

Hybrid Armored Division Sensitive to preserving the environment of friend and foe alike, this division’s semi-electric tanks will get better gas mileage than those loveable little Yugos of the 1980s. They will be made entirely of recycled materials to prevent the arbitrary exploitation of the earth’s precious resources. Furthermore, each tank will be adorned with a lovingly sculpted hood ornament of Michael Dukakis to commemorate the former Presidential candidate’s gallant tank ride during the 1988 campaign. Senator Robert Byrd’s suggestion for a “hood” ornament, however, has been rejected as wholly inappropriate. Oh, that zany Bob.

Fabian Legions Constituting the main infantry component of the reorganized army, the Fabian Legions are named in honor of Quintus Fabius, the Roman general who declined to engage Hannibal’s marauding army, favoring instead a strategy of delay and defensive operations. The modern Fabian Legions, true to the martial spirit of their namesake, will boast the most timid and overly cautious commanders that this country has to offer. They will avoid battle at all costs, and, if cornered, will deploy their secret weapon: mass prostration. Designed to elicit the enemy’s pity, this complex maneuver utilizes the combined arms of self-flagellation, payments of protection money, and, at the suggestion of our French advisers, the performance of the inspired “White Flag Dance”, choreographed by Cirque de Soleil.

Air Cavalry In addition to embedding journalists in various combat units, the new Air Cav will be fully composed of members of the impartial press, including representatives of Al Jazeera, of course. These ardent advocates of multiculturalism, moral relativism, and peace at any cost will serve as the watchdog wing of the reorganized army. They will hover over battlefields in their unarmed news choppers, zealously seeking to document any atrocities committed by American forces. Be assured, however, that these devotees of Noam Chomsky will not hold our adversaries to the same standard; they will forgive enemy excesses as proportional responses to American imperialism.

“Shrieking Harpies” (Airborne) A pet project of the former first lady and junior senator from New York, the Shrieking Harpies will unleash aural assaults of rhetoric at maximum decibels, driving their enemies before them like animals fleeing a raging forest fire. These fearless feminists, affectionately nicknamed “Hillary’s Her-roes”, will be equipped with parachutes hand-sewn by Medea Benjamin and the other non-partisan, peace-loving homemakers of Code Pink.

Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition Interrogation Unit This unit of elite interrogators will employ such dreaded implements of persuasion as the “comfy chair” and “tickling feather”. Operating on the premise that the more comfortable an Enemy Prisoner of War is the more likely he will be to talk, these trained professionals will pride themselves on pampering the terrorists in their charge. They will ply their trade in a five-star interrogation facility, featuring such amenities as an Olympic-sized pool, a full-service spa, a selection of gourmet restaurants, an Internet café, and even Pilates classes. Prisoners will have total access to these amenities and their “cells” will be equipped with king-sized beds and cable TV. “Have you hugged a terrorist today,” interrogators will inquire of one another as they pass in the halls, admiring framed Maplethorpe photographs. And remember: “No one escapes the Spanish Inquisition!”

First Fleet With Greenpeace’s famed Rainbow Warrior serving as its flagship, the first fleet will consist of an armada of former oil tankers and cruise ships that have been converted into floating homeless shelters. What foreign power would dare attack a homeless shelter packed with human shields, right? To be sure, the First Fleet will be the envy of socialist nations worldwide. It will sail into battle with the Village People’s “In the Navy” blaring over the com system. And when fine sailing weather prevails, the fleet might even receive an escort from members of the liberal leisure class, as they cruise the seas in million-dollar pleasure vessels purchased with inheritance money.

Hippiecanoe and Skylar Too Forget swiftboats and PBRs, the new navy will commission a flotilla of river patrol canoes that will be led by Skylar Windsong, the celebrated eco-tourism guide, yoga master, and astrologer. Dubbed “the guru of the canoe” by her supporters, Ms. Windsong will command a troupe of professional potheads armed with bongs, bags of marijuana, and lava lamps. They will paddle stealthily through enemy waters in search of bootlegged Grateful Dead recordings and glimpses of rare bird species. Be it on water or on shore, these dreadlocked “commandos of the kind bud” will “smoke” the enemy out with the choicest weed that a slacker living in his parents’ basement can afford to buy. Once “smoked out”, the belligerents will be mesmerized, and, thereby pacified by a killer laser light show. Duuude!

Baby Seals PETA activists will embody a special-forces unit skilled in the arts of cuteness. Making the pitiful pouty face and batting their adorable big eyes will be the hallmarks of this unit’s psychological tactics, which are designed to guilt the enemy to surrender.

Hot-Air Balloon Strategic Wing Conceived in a Haight-Ashbury lovefest reverie, this helium-based platform will deliver saturation bombings of cut flowers and love poems. Just imagine a kaleidoscope of brightly-hued balloons floating like puffy clouds of peace through a clear blue sky. It’s sure to warm the cockles of the enemy’s heart.

Tri-plane Tactical Wing Exemplifying the leftist maxim of “strength through weakness”, these funny looking three-wingers, painted the colors of the rainbow, are designed to bring comic relief to the battlegrounds in the clouds. The sight of a squadron of these ungainly planes is sure to make enemy pilots laugh themselves out of the sky.

The Metrocorps (aka, the Well-Coiffed Commandos) If you the think the dress uniform of the old Marine Corps was sharp, wait until you see what Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s very own couture expert, Carson, has designed for the new unit. The Metrocorps will consist of impeccably manicured metrosexuals from the Northeast and the Left coast. Since they will be the first troops in and the last ones to leave, the Metros will undergo a rigorous boot camp, where they will master various grooming techniques, learn how to properly accessorize their wardrobe, and gain an appreciation of the pathos of “chick flicks”. The alpha males in the enemy’s army will surely rout in horror when the Metros hit the beach, brandishing an impressive array of hair and skin care products. Semper Fi!

The Delta Burke Force This crack unit of fabulous and outrageously hilarious drag queens has perfected the ability to infiltrate enemy cities, where they will perform drag revues with subliminal anti-war undercurrents. “Its raining men {not bombs}, hallelujah; it’s raining men {not bombs}, hallelujah.”

Welcome to FR. As n00b vanities go, I'd give this one a 9.7 :)

2 posted on 02/04/2005 1:52:34 PM PST by Tijeras_Slim (Put on your red shoes and dance the blues.)

3 posted on 02/04/2005 2:30:44 PM PST by irishtenor (If stupidity were painful, the Democrats would NEED paid health care...)

I don't know what happened, but somehow I must have deleted one of the unit's when I was trying to figure out the HTML stuff. Here's the new Army Artillery unit:

Kiss-blowing Cannoneers Armed with puckered lips and caissons full of brotherly love, this able artillery battalion will be trained to lay down such devastating barrages of blown kisses as to make the most obdurate enemy swoon like schoolgirls at a Justin Timberlake concert. XOXO

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