African Tribe Worships Salma Hayek's Breasts! (The Headline I've Waited All My Life For...)

Weekly World News ^ | 12/09/04 | Mark Miller

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

The Mandinka tribe of Gambia, Africa, adheres to a religious practice completely unique to its people -- they worship actress Salma Hayek's breasts!

While most primitive societies tend to pray to animal or ancestral spirits, or to stars and planets as the Mandinkans once did, that all changed in 1995.

Mandinkan farmer Danjuma Kianga remembers, through an interpreter, the moment it happened.

"As a special treat, Chief Tuamanguluka arranged for a movie to be shown here for the first time ever. The movie was Desperado, starring the blessed Salma Hayek as Carolina, a beautiful woman who works for the local drug lord."

When Hayek first appeared on screen, the Mandinkans were blown away by the sight of the 36C-25-37 actress. "Everyone gasped -- men, women, and children," recalls Kianga. "Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."

After that screening, all any of the Mandinkans could talk about was Salma Hayek -- her looks, her spirit, her energy.

In the years since, the tribe has arranged screenings of every one of her films including, From Dusk 'Til Dawn, Fools Rush In, Dogma, Wild Wild West, Traffic, Spy Kids: 3D, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and, especially, Frida, which was nominated for six Oscars including best actress for Hayek.

The Mandinkans found themselves especially affected by the sight of Hayek's breasts, which are often on full display in her movies.

"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes Kianga. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "

Around their necks, the Mandinkans wear stone and wood amulets fashioned as miniature replicas of Hayek's awe-inspiring milk wagons. Before undertaking any strenuous or dangerous task, going on any hunting expedition or praying for anything, they lick Hayek's breasts one hundred times for luck.

One of the villages has even constructed a giant 37-foot high scale replica of Hayek's sweater puppets. The breasts themselves are formed of rare black obsidian stone, and the nipples are solid gold.

Villagers form a large circle around the statue, hold hands, and dance themselves into a frenzy while chanting the following:

Oh glorious funbags of Salma, Fertilize our fields, protect us, and bring us luck. Especially we ask for sexual potency from the Life-changing, awe-inspiring twin peaks of Salma. Suckle us with your magical orbs, Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds, Our strength, hope and joy derive from the wondrous bazongas of Hayek!

Gahiji Ngozi, a 22-year-old craftsman, speaks for the entire Mandinkan tribe when he says, "Worshipping Salma Hayek's breasts has added meaning, direction and wonder to my life."

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

[Portnoy]

Hmmm...I've been looking for a club to join.

[taxcontrol]

Ok, I can actually understand this.

[cyborg]

Along with bibles, missionaries do sometimes bring gas powered televisions.... the girls in the Amazon rainforest who have seen Baywatch want Pam Anderson's boobs too.

[BFM]

"...She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."

I am ready. She can enter my soul any old time now.

[bmwcyle]

Men have been doing this to many breasts for years.

[Constitution Day]

One of the villages has even constructed a giant 37-foot high scale replica of Hayek's sweater puppets. The breasts themselves are formed of rare black obsidian stone, and the nipples are solid gold.

[cyborg]

ping hehe

[Luddite Patent Counsel]

Has Bat Boy weighed in on this development?

[Mr. Jeeves]

"Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."

Well...yeah! Most of us American male film-goers have had that Salma Hayek experience already. ;)

[cyborg]

ROTFL one of the best threads ever

[Constitution Day]

Oh glorious funbags of Salma, Fertilize our fields, protect us, and bring us luck...

I'm dyin' over heah!

[Hegewisch Dupa]

If we can prove three miracles were done in the name of her hoots, we can nominate the things for Sainthood too (might take 6 miracles - have to check on this...)

[stainlessbanner]

They might enjoy superbowl halftime shows.

[cyborg]

LOL

[petercooper]

[P-Chan Penny]

I... don't really know what to say... |_| |_|

[stainlessbanner]

"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes Kianga

There is a disturbance in Force.

[cyborg]

Ya don't say!

[NeoCaveman]

Our strength, hope and joy derive from the wondrous bazongas of Hayek!

I thought I was the only one.

[martin_fierro]

One of the villages has even constructed a giant 37-foot high scale replica of Hayek's sweater puppets. The breasts themselves are formed of rare black obsidian stone, and the nipples are solid gold.

Sounds suspiciously like a Wardrobe Malfunction.

[headsonpikes]

This reverence towards the puppies is all fine and good, but I certainly hope that the Mandinkans pay as much heed to Hayek's works on political economy.

[cyborg]

Salma Hayek is gorgeous.

[Constitution Day]

All hail the Glorious Wardrobe Malfunction!

[Chad Fairbanks]

And us First Worlders continually look down upon indigenous cultures.

We are stupid ;)

[Always Right]

Makes more sense than celebrating Kwanza.

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

Oh glorious funbags of Salma

"Funbags." That's an esoteric religious term of some sort, right...? :)

[January24th]

Ping without comment!

[Chad Fairbanks]

But I have to add the caveat that 36C doesn't really all that impress me.

[cyborg]

Odd translation from the mandinka language I think *LOL*

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

Mock not the sweater puppies, heathen blasphemer. :)

[cyborg]

I take offense to that comment. Grevious offense.

[CollegeRepublican]

I like this part:

Suckle us with your magical orbs, Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds...

[Chad Fairbanks]

Hey, I have my standards.

[NeoCaveman]

Salma Hayek's funbags ping.

Apologies to all I forgot to ping.

[Chad Fairbanks]

36C? Yawn. Get back to me when the "puppies" are fully grown. ;0)

[Camachee]

You're just too good to me! LOL!

[Argh]

Whaddya know? I AM African!

[cyborg]

Mandinka tourboat operators happy for a reason!

[NeoCaveman]

Hey, I have my standards.

Don't believe him Cy, he has no standards :^)

[cyborg]

LOL tell me something I don't know ;o)

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

You're even funnier than usual lately. Are you chemically enhanced? ; )

[Mr. K]

I guess I DO belong to a religion then...

[NeoCaveman]

Your an African-Canadian, that has to be good for some extra bennies from your socialist government :^)

[cyborg]

ping

[Chad Fairbanks]

Jus' mi, n' mah coca cola, doritos, and Selma Hayak movies, why?

[cyborg]

laugh ping

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

In arbitrarily moving this thread over to Gneral/Chat: you have cruelly dissed an entire religion. :)

[af_vet_rr]

damn. just damn.

[horizondb]

A Hooters better not open close by or there will be a religious war over mounds of mounds.