The voting record of John FormerlyKnownAs Kerry clearly shows him to be nothing on defense, nothing on intelligence, nothing on taxes, nothing on same-sex marriage, and nothing on the war on terror.
Posted on 03/12/2004 7:43:40 AM PST by Sloth
In an effort to "preserve our momentum into the general election season", Senator John F. Kerry left a Massachusetts courtroom yesterday announcing that he had legally changed his name to 'Unnamed F. Democrat.' Voters seemingly approve, as the Senator's polling numbers against President Bush improved immediately after the change.
The Kerry camp made the strategic name change decision amid fears that Kerry's liberal voting record and past public statements could hurt him with crucial 'swing voters' in November. "It seems so obvious, in hindsight," remarked one advisor, who changed his name to Unnamed Advisor as a show of solidarity. "I mean, a year ago, Kerry was trailing Bush by double digits, but an unnamed Democrat was on top by four points. If we'd done this back then, we could have reversed our fortunes that much sooner." The campaign also reportedly considered other names including 'Nascar F. Dad' and 'Cole N. Powell,' but early focus group data suggested these were not as effective.
Many observers agreed that the tactic is a shrewd one. On MSNBC's Hardball, Chris Matthews listed some of the advantages: "Nobody thinks about Jane Fonda when they hear 'Unnamed Democrat.' You can dig through the entire Congressional Record and you'll never see where Unnamed Democrat voted against national defense. Nobody named Unnamed Democrat ever admitted to committing atrocities in Vietnam. He has a clean slate! It basically takes all the Republican talking points off the table!"
The smooth-foreheaded senator seemed ambivalent about the change, saying he recognized the wisdom of his advisors, "but I do worry that it may cause a hiccup of sorts in the populist, grass roots juggernaut of support for John F. Kerry."
Indeed, it remains to be seen how the campaign will convey to existing John Kerry supporters and convention delegates that Unnamed F. Democrat is really the same man, without unintentionally tipping off the very voters the move is intended to attract. One possibility, the so-called 'Clark Kent strategy' calls for Senator Democrat to wear eyeglasses when appearing before the general public, but remove them when speaking to labor unions and other traditionally Democratic constituencies. Another option is for Democrat to avoid public exposure altogether, appearing only when absolutely necessary, via closed-circuit television in backlit sillhouette with electronic voice modification.
It is not clear whether the Senator's wife will change her name to Teresa Heinz-Democrat. Some advisors have recommended the name 'Mother F. Teresa' instead.
Favorite line: "It is not clear whether the Senator's wife will change her name to Teresa Heinz-Democrat. Some advisors have recommended the name 'Mother F. Teresa' instead."
I don't know how many name changes they might decide to try, but one thing is for certain...Teresa is hanging on to the Heinz moneyker - oops! moniker.
LOL ! ...
One possibility, the so-called 'Clark Kent strategy' calls for Senator Democrat to wear eyeglasses when appearing before the general public, but remove them when speaking to labor unions and other traditionally Democratic constituencies ...It is not clear whether the Senator's wife will change her name to Teresa Heinz-Democrat. Some advisors have recommended the name 'Mother F. Teresa' instead.
Good one Sloth! you've got Talent!
I would suggest that she change her name to Teresa Generic-Brand-Democrat so that she distances the campaign from her Ketchup Company.
Funny
Oh, this is not the "attack squad"? This is "truth squad"? But Kerry said there was an "attack squad". There isn't? Just people telling the truth about him. Oh, I see. Then why would he use the words "attack squad"?
Nobody knows? I'll go ask Kerry. Be right back..........
OK, I checked with Kerry. It seems Kerry used the term "attack squad" because it might make people think of these guys.
Kerry also says he is changing his name to: $900,000,000,000.
Or, he says, you can just call him "Nine-fing-Billion".
The voting record of John FormerlyKnownAs Kerry clearly shows him to be nothing on defense, nothing on intelligence, nothing on taxes, nothing on same-sex marriage, and nothing on the war on terror.
Artist: Beatles
Song Title: John "Nowhere Man" Kerry
He's a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his nowhere land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere man, the world is at your command.
He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere man can you see me at all?
Nowhere man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all 'till somebody else
Lends you a hand.
Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere man, the world is at your command.
He's a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his nowhere land,
Making all his nowhere plans
For nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans
For nobody.
Hmmmm...They must have the same middle name.
This is too funny! Thanks for the ping!
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